Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

As Salaam Alwikum wa rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

Salaam Dear Brother,

I have a question to ask you and insha allah you will try and help me understand.  It is very confidential.  >From at a young age i have always been tought to obey parents and not to be disrespectful.  Try and keep them happy and please them. 

I am married and have been for the past seven years.  Throughout my marriage so far my parent and my husband have not been getting on very well.  Over the past year my husband infact stopped me from going and seeing my parents and secretly has barred their numbers for incoming call. 

My husband is angry with my parents for not having their support during his bad times.  I am aware that his problems are my problems, and supporting him is supporting me.  I have explained to my parents and had no luck instead they tried to minupilate me against my husband. 

Dear brother, i have four brothers and including me two sisters.  My sister is younger and before i got married she has ran away with a married man and have settled.  All my brothers are married and are settled.  I have seen and felt my parents, brothers and sister used me.  I have shared my world with them, gave money when they needed and most of all gave my love.  After i got married i saw a different approach in my life from my family, and what mostly hurts is that they took advantage of my naieve love for them?

My husband from begginning has saw it all, although he tried to convince me i refused.  Then it all started to blow in my face?

My difficulty at the moment is despite everything they are my parents and he is my husband!  i love both and because of the situation at this very moment i feel as though both side has forgotten about me, who is sufferring the most!  Neither are prepared to compromise and as i have been blessed by allah with two sons i think of my children and marriage as first.  Yesterday i have found out that my father is critcally ill, and have spoken to him without my husband knowing?  I have realised one thing despite him not being in contact with me for one year he has not changed his attitude, he was angry with my husband and have been swearing.  My brothers  have the same mind and thoughts, my sister has made efforts but have failed.

My dear brother - i seek help in you for advice.  How do i make both side see my pain, as each and everytime i try and explain they always talk about their pain and shut mines out!  How and where do i seek comfort.  I am praying to allah and may allah forgive me i do not see any improvement!  Can you help please brother!

i have turned to you for advice because after reading the messages you sent out to muslim brothers and sisters you clearly have explained many things.  I saw this comfort in you and hope you can find a cure for this sister.

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Mother husband relationship

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24: Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: “Had it been permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.”

Beloved sister in Islam, the situation you have described is indeed a difficult trial, whereby the believing woman is torn and forced to choose between honoring either her parents or her husband. The parents and the husband are like the two eyes of the woman, and it becomes almost impossible for her if she has to choose one between the two.

You must recognize this as a trial from your Lord, remain constant in your supplications to Him to make your trial easy for you, and beg the Merciful in all earnestness and sincerity to keep steadfast on the path that is Pleasing and Acceptable to Him.

Beloved and dear sister in Islam, the first thing you should do is under no circumstances challenge or rebuke or dishonor your parents; no matter what their point of view is regarding your husband. However difficult that might be for you, you must practice extreme patience and wisdom when dealing with your parents, and never ever raise your voice or challenge their views. You should know that the All Knowing, All Wise Lord knows well the condition of each of His believing slaves, and He also Knows that you do this only in obedience of His Command and Guidance.

But whatever you do, do not let this situation of yours affect your relationship with your husband in any way. If he is a good, righteous and God-fearing person, he will understand your delicate situation in this trial of yours, and will not make your trial any more difficult than it already is. Neither should he influence you to take sides in this conflict, nor should you incline towards one or the other; but remain patient and practice extreme wisdom in your dealings with both parties. If you seek the help of Allah Subhanah, and don’t react on instinct or defense to any of their actions; it is expected that Allah Subhanah will make the conditions and situations improve, Insha Allah.

Beloved and dear Sister in Islam, you must draw your complete strength and absolute state of patience from the knowledge that you are doing this only to earn the Pleasure and Good of your Merciful Lord, and He is well aware of your exact situation in this supreme trial of yours. Remain constant in your supplication to Allah Subhanah to give you the patience and courage and the wisdom to remain steadfast on His Commands and Guidance, and beg Him Alone to remove this dissonance that the Shaytaan has created between the two parties that you love and honor the most in your life.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah Ale Imraan verse 160: If Allah helps you none can overcome you: if He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? In Allah then let believers put their trust.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 11 Surah Hud verse 123: To Allah do belong the unseen (secrets) of the heavens and the earth, and to Him goes back every affair (for decision)! Then worship Him, and put thy trust in Him Alone: and thy Lord is not unmindful of aught that you do.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your Brother in Islam,

Burhan