Wife, Husband and Mother in Law
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
Hello. I am a Canadian who has now been in a relationship with a Muslim man from Tunisia for the past 3 1/2 years. We met january 19th, 2010 online and on April 5th, 2010 we were engaged. (His father and mother asked my mother for her permission to marry their son via skype) and my mother said yes. We married on May 19th 2012. I apologize ahead of time for the long question, I just want you to understand from beginning to end. From the beginning of our relationship Jan 19 2010 until November 2 2011 I never met my now husband in person. We had our online relationship and engagement only via skype. He cheated on me online with other women from different countries, I know this for sure because I had spoken to them as well and I saw the facebook messages between them from his old facebook with my own two eyes. He lied to me and even went so far as taking the quaran in his hands multiple times and saying WALALH WALLAH WALLAH that I was his only one and he is not cheating on me, but he was. So he blantantly lied while holding Allah's holy book and saying Wallah. I know of 18 girls he had cheated on me with from jan 19 2010 to nov 2 2011. I forgave him as I hope Allah forgives him too.I spent alot of money on him even though I wasn't working, but managed to borrow money from family and the money I received on a monthly basis totalling only $500 a month. From February 2010 until December 2010 I sent money so he could pay his monthly payments for his computer that his mother purchased in January 2010 for his birthday. However they are a poor family and they could not afford to keep paying every month, so I took over. Also every three months I would send money to pay for their internet and their phone line. Not to mention I would send money to help pay their electricty, water, and heating bills. I would also send him extra money for clothes and other things he needed ect.
On November 2nd 2011 I bought a plane ticket and went to see him in Tunisia because I really wanted to spend the Aiid with them. I flew over 7000 kilometers and I stayed there for 1 month in his family's home as I only had $1000 canadian dollars to spend. Well, even after everything I gave him and the money I sent to him via Western Union, (I even sold some of my jewellery to send him money as well). When i was there, I spent alot of that money on him again. He was extremely abusive to me while I was there. He had hit me, punched me, even took a knife out on me..all of this in his parent's house. But I forgave him.After returning back to Canada after that visit, I got a very nice job offer. I was making alot of money every month. Close to $5500.00 canadian on a monthly basis. It was a one year contract. I then went to see him again in May. We married May 19, 2012. I bought him a new computer as the one I was sending monthly payments for was broken and could not be fixed. I gave him a brand new cell phone among many many other gifts and clothes and shoes. I ended up paying for the whole wedding. Please keep in mind that my now husband has not worked since the summer of 2009 and I have been the one supporting him since we met in January 2010 up until now and his family as well. Same bills, I even sent money to pay for 1/2 of the air conditioner they purchased last summer.
His relationship with his father is not a good one. It has not been good since he was a child. His father is very condemning, very abusive and very agressive with his temper and his words when he is angry. He has a anger control problem. He beats his sons all the time (there are 5 boys and 1 is in a wheelchair) he has even beaten him too. However, he prays 5 times everyday, goes to the Mosque, outside is respected because people see him as a religious man, but behind closed doors he is someone totally different which is where I believe my husband gets his anger issues from.February 14th, 2013 my contract with work ended. I went to see him again on Feb 19th until March 5th because I was starting a new job on March 6th. This is where our new problems begun. When I was there in November 2011 I left with him a gold bracelet. It was 22 years old with a diamond in it. He said he gave it to his mother to hide for me until I came back to get it. Upon my arrival this time, I asked him where my bracelet was and he said his mother could not find it, however, she had all of my jewellery in 2 separate boxes that I didn't even know I left there and gave them to me but no sign of my bracelet. I asked my husband if he sold it for money and he said WALLAH he didn't. I believed him. Until now I have no idea where it is. We spent an amazing time together. Things were wonderful. We went on a 5 day vacation of Southern Tunisia, rented a car and asked one of his friends to drive us because I cannot drive a standard vehicle. After this trip was over, we realized that his friend betrayed us. His friend didn't have to pay anything. I covered it all, from every meal, hotel rooms, gifts for his 8 year old daughter, gifts for him, everything and we found out he stole money from us and even some of our things we bought on our trip. Needless to say, we are no longer friends with him anymore and we are no longer on speaking terms either. I am having a lot of problems with my new job. I got injured 3 weeks ago and was unable to preform the job I was hired for so I was doing other things at work but at least I am still here. I work at Canada's Largest Gold Mine which is a 3 hour bus ride from home in the middle of nowhere where I stay for 1 week and go home for 1 week come back for 1 week ect. I work 12 hours a day, waking up at 3:30 am to get to work for 5:30am and get back to my residence room at 6:30 every night. I do this everyday for 1 week at a time. I'm extremely tired and I am only earning 1/2 of what I used to make in a month when I was working at my old job which ended in February. The new computer I purchsed for him, he lost. The new phone I purchased for him he lost that too. He has broken many things I bought him including a pair of Bob Marley Earphones, a pair of Asics running shoes, he has lost clothes I bought him because of people stealing them when he goes to his friends houses. I dont trust him with anything of value anymore. When I was there this time in February, I brought with me a huge bag full of baby clothes for a little girl who is 6 months old and was born in his city. Her family is poor and cannot afford many things so as a gift (not charity) because Ilove babies I purchased these clothes for this little girl. When I was showing them to him and his mother, his mother took 3 dresses, and 2 little outfits and told me that she was keeping them for when her daughter (meaning me) has a little girl. I thought it was cute so I agreed for her to keep them for me and for her son. Needless to say, her other son, the second oldest who I also helped alot now lives in Belgium (which is why he is there because I sent him the money to get there) which he promised me WALLAH he would pay me back but it's been over 1 year and I still have not seen a penny of it. In January of this year he asked my husband, his brother for 600 euros because he wanted to go to work but needed transportation to get there. However, my husband didn't tell me this. His father told his brother to ask me for money, so he did. (This is without my husband's knowledge). His brother told me he needed 3000 euros to buy a car for transportation so he could go to work. He promsied me WALLAH that he would pay me back. I didn't believe him but I told him I would try to help as much as I could and his wife was there as well when I spoke to him via skype and I was sincere about it. The next day, I told my husband what his brother asked me and he was furious. He then told me that his brother told him he only needed 600 euros. So his brother tried to trick me for money and the reason for that was so that he could buy a small used car and use the rest to bring his wife and his wife's son (from a previous marriage) to Tunisia. I was so angry and hurt that he would use my kindness in such a evil way! Since then I have not spoken to him or his wife, now his wife and himself speak so low of me to everyone. They insult me to his parents they put me down, they even speak very badly to my own husbnd about me. His wief has even told me that before long, there will be no more Chiraz. That she will take my place in the family and it will only be her as their daughter. Now his brother's wife is in Tunisia and she is pregnant with a little girl. Before she arrived there, my husband was telling me that his mother bought alot of clothes and things for this baby. I dont know why I thoguht of this, but I asked my husband where the clothes were that his mother asked me for to keep for our little girl one day. He began looking for them and he found them in the bags of clothes she was going to give to his brother's wife from Belgium!!! I was heartbroken to say the least. I feel so betrayed at how she could do this to me!!! She told me I was her daughter, the girl she never had. She gave me the name Chiraz becuase she said that if she ever had a daughter that's what she was going to call her, but yet she did this to me!!! I cannot describe how hurt I feel how betrayed I feel. I have had a rough life growing up with my own mother. Our relationship was very bad. She favored my twin sister over me and I could never do anything right in her eyes so I left her house at the age of 19 in 2000 and didn't come back until 2007 after my father passed away. Only since then has our relationship improved and we are now almost insperable. I always promised myself that I would NEVER allow any other woman to enter into my life and my heart the way I had allowed my mother to after she treated me so badly growing up but I did. It was difficult very difficult but I honestly fell in love with my mother in law. I looked at her as a second mother to me until now. I explained this to my husband and my husband said that he understood the way I felt and that I was right that she did betray me but there was nothing he could do about it. Then he went on to say that he cannot be married to a woman who will not love his mother. I explained to him, that I am extremely hurt by this and I asked him to give me the opportunity to speak with her and for me to tell her how I feel by what she did, he promised he would. He again said, WALLAH he would but he never did. I explained to himtonight that I am not trying to put him between us, but I wanted him to know that I have no trust in her anymore. That I am extremely heartbroken. I forgive her but our relationship will never be the same again. I explained to him that she is his mother, not mine. She will forever be my mother in law but I really do not know if i could ever look at her as a second mother again. I forgave my real mother for betraying me and I allowed her back into my life and my heart, but she is my mother she gave birth to me. I explained that his mother gave birth to him not to me. As I looked at her as my own mother as well, those feelings are torn. My trust in her is torn. Its broken. What she deliberatly did wasn't right and it wasn't fair. My husband agreed with me and he said that I am entitlited to the way I feel. I told him that this is the way I feel, i will respect her because she is his mother, I will never talk badly about her or act badly to her because she is his mother, but I will not go out of my way to pretend that I am happy at what she has done to me just to please her. I can't do it. It's not that I won't, I just can't. I explained I will be civil and I will be kind and nice and polite as always but my eyes see her in a different light now. To me she is my mother in law, the mother of my husband and not anything else at this moment. I said, maybe one day we can patch things up but not right now because teh hurt and teh betrayal I feel is so fresh. I need time. He told me that he doesnt have a mother anymore. He said from now on to look at him as being motherless. I told him don't do that. I said u have to create a balance between your wife and your mother. Not one above the other, but a balance between them. Yes she betrayed me, and yes I am deeply sadened and hurt, but that's no reason to say that you are motherless and leave her. That quickly changed. Now keep in mind that I am now at work again in a dormatory room surrounded by people in other rooms and these rooms are not sound proof. I asked him again regarding my gold bracelet and how I find it so odd that all of my jewellery I left behind was in a box except my bracelet. I asked him to tell me the truth about what happened to it. I was speaking very calmly at this time. He then started to yell at me via skype. He told me that he sold the bracelet for money. I told him, say WALLAH you sold it, but he wouldn't so I knew he was lying. I told him listen, I said just tell me what happened to it. I know you know where it is or what happened don't lie to me to protect your mom. I am your wife and I deserve to know the truth. Then he started to threaten me with his mother, saying things like If you come to Tunisia again and we have our own apartment My mother will come here anytime she wants to and I dont give a F*** about what you say. She is coming here whether u like it or not. If my dad wants to come here he will come too wheter you like it or not. If anyone from my family wants to come here they will come too whether you like it or not. If my mom wants to live with us she will and I dont give a F*** if you say no because if you do, you can leave...and just kept going and going and going.
I finally said well, if that's the case. I will have anyone I want over at the house too whether you like it or not. Be it my mother, my sisters, my friends. Then he hung up the call on Skype in my face and told me I was being a B*tch and that no B*tch will ever be more imprtant to him than his mother and now he considers himself divorced and he was leaving me to be with his mother. I said fine. Ciao and I signed out of skype. He sent me 35 messages on Facebook which I never read I just received notifications of them all. He began posting things on my wall via facebook and he even changed his profile picture from one of me and him to one of himself alone, then he changed his other picture to one that says: Ain't a woman alive that can take my momma's place with the caption that reads: "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF CHIRAZ" which is not something I was trying to do at all!!! As I said I did not read any of his messages but i do get the startings of them and what I read was not nice at all. There were alot of insults, very bad language, and put downs.
I am extremely stressed. I am stressed because I am here at work and not at home, I am still hurting because of my injury but did my first day of my regular job again and ended up falling and hurting myself again, I have these feelings because of what his mother has done, and now him. As I said I wake up at 3:30 in the morning and it is now 10:30 at night and I am still awake writing this to you. I really do not know what to do!!!
I am not only asking for advice but also for what would be the role of my husband here according to Islam and the Quaran. I am trying to learn more about Islam as I am Christian but am in love with the Islamic Religion and way of life. I want to convert.
Thank you very much and sorry again for the long background information. There is so much more, but I had to cut it down. Thank You for your time and May Allah continue to Bless You! <3
(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Sister, you have been very naive and got caught up in an emotional situation wherein you have been working very hard and providing for someone who you presume loves you. The fact is, in Islam the responsibility to provide for the wife and the family rests solely on the man. You have actually been conned and the man has been feeding on your earning and has led a life of laziness and selfishness. If you think this man loves you, then you are the biggest fool.
All your stories loudly tell us that you have been taken for a great ride. Even a fool can make out that as soon as you don't spend or give any money he wants you out of his life. The whole family has conned you nicely. Wake up and break this relationship immediately as there is no future for you.
As for your Islam, if you are really serious, read the Quran in a language you understand and InshaAllah the merciful Lord will guide you aright. If you need any help in this matter please feel free to let us know. May Allah swt make your trials easy.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your brother and well wisher in Islam,
Members of Islamhelpline