My anger especially due to his adulterous life is so severe that every time he criticises me.
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
(May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked
this question:
Sir,
I am a
Muslim lady 36 years of age with a ten year old child.
I have
been subjected to continuous ridicule and criticism by my husband for the last
12 years of my marriage.
Now my
anger especially due to his adulterous life is so severe that every time he
criticises me I blow up in anger and say inappropriate things and most of the
time my child is listening.
I know
that my anger is justified but my reaction is not. I do my best to offer all my
prayers with all sincerity and keep myself as busy as possible to be able to
give peace to my self and curb my anger.
I am
terrified of having a physically intimate relationship with him. I am not only
scared of him but I have lost my trust in him.
I
tried going away for 1 year to be able to heal and to get myself out of
the atmosphere which was torturing me. We met each other 7 times for a
week every time to work on our relationship. I was under the
wrong impression that he would change at least for the sake of the child's
suffering.
After
he got me back with promises and tears I realised that he has changed for the worse.
The
physical abuse, mental torture and his adulterous ways have taken their toll on
me.
My question is I understand that a
woman cannot refuse physical intimacy when her husband demands it.
In my case I cannot bear to bring
myself anywhere close to my husband at least for now.
Should I take a khula so that I am
not committing a sin. This is what our
families have advised me as they all feel that he will never change.
I
would want the condition that the custody of my child is to be given to
me as Allah has been merciful and has given resources to look after the child
financially as I am working.
Or
Should I wait for a couple of years
and hope that he will change someday and
maybe I will not be repulsed by him as I have been feeling for quite some time.
I will
be leaving the country with my child soon anyways to save ourselves from his
hurtful ways.
I am
extremely confused as to what is the right path for me.
Please
remember me in your prayers.
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Answer:
Abusive husband
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His
help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide,
and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear
witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear
witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His
Messengers.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah
Nisaa verse 34:
34
Men are the
protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has
given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their
means. Therefore the righteous women are
devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have
them guard (their chastity, their husband’s honor, property, etc.)
Respected Sister in Islam, the sacred institution of
marriage in Islam is not a union between two people who compete against each
other, but rather a marriage in Islam is a sacred union between two people who
complement each other in their partnership, who develop and maintain the love
and mercy between them that Allah Subhanah has created for them in their
marriage, and strive together as a team to live a life of peace, harmony and
tranquility under the fear and guidance of Allah.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah
Rome verse 21:
21 And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among
yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put
love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for
those who reflect.
If one truly seeks guidance in one’s marriage, there is no
better recipe for peace, harmony and tranquility in one’s relationship with
one’s spouse in marriage than the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws).
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘The most perfect
Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best
among you are those who behave best towards their wives.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3252 Narrated by Aisha ; Abdullah ibn Abbas
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The best
of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my
family."
Sahih Muslim Hadith 3465 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As
Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘The whole
world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious
woman.’
Sahih Muslim Hadith 3469 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘a believing
man should not hate a believing woman (his wife); if he dislikes one of her
characteristics, he will be pleased with another.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3358 Narrated by AbuBakr as-Siddiq
The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats
badly those under his authority will not enter
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
When Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him)
was asked which woman was best he replied, "The one who pleases (her
husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not
go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of
which he disapproves."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Had it been
permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have
ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 284 Narrated by AbuAli Talq ibn Ali
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘When a man sends for
his wife for the satisfaction of his need, she should go to him even if she may
be occupied in baking bread.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If a woman dies
while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter
Amongst the obligatory rights that are due from a husband
to his wife in marriage are that he honor her, love her, cherish her, be kind,
generous and merciful towards her, protect her, and provide for her complete
upkeep according to his means.
In return for everything the husband does for the wife in
the sacred bond of marriage, the guidance of Islam commands and guides the wife
to be grateful and devoutly obedient to her husband.
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 1.28 Narrated by Ibn Abbas
The Prophet (saws) said: "I was shown
the Hell-Fire and found that the majority of its dwellers were women who were
ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah? (or are they
ungrateful to Allah?)” He (saws) replied, "They are
not thankful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors done to them.
Even if you were to do good to one of them all your life, when she seems some
harshness from you, she will say, "I have never seen any good from
you!"
Beloved Sister, if your husband is not willing to give you
your due rights in the marriage, you have two lawful options in Islam:
- Bear
his unjust oppression with patience with the conviction that justice will
be served and you will get your full and due retribution in the Presence
of your Lord Most Just, Most Supreme on that Inevitable Day of Judgment;
and thus save your marriage.
- If
you cannot bring yourself to bear the unjust oppression of your husband in
the marriage, you are well within your rights to initiate a divorce
proceedings against such an evil and impious husband….and if what you have
related is indeed true, there would be no blame or sin upon you.
Respected Sister, if you opt to save your
marriage….regardless of whether or not your husband chooses to fulfill all his
rights towards you or not, you should fear Allah and make absolutely sure that
you fulfill all the rights that are due unto him in the marriage. It might appear that one who is unjust might
get away with his injustice and oppression in the life of this short and
transient world; but we assure you sister, none will get away with one’s
oppression and injustice in the Presence of the Lord Most Majestic Most Supreme
on that Inevitable Day of Judgment!
Sahih Muslim
Hadith 6251 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's
Messenger (saws) said: ‘Do you know who is a ‘muflis’ (abjectly poor or one who
is totally bankrupt)?’ They (the Companions (r.a.) of the Prophet (saws)) said:
‘A ‘muflis’ amongst us is one who has neither dirham with him nor wealth.’ He
(the Prophet (saws)) said: ‘The ‘muflis’ of my Ummah would be he who would come
on the Day of Resurrection with prayers and fasts and Zakah but (he would find
himself bankrupt on that day as he would have exhausted his funds of virtues)
since he hurled abuses upon others, brought calumny against others, unlawfully
consumed the wealth of others, shed the blood of others, and beat others. His
virtues would be credited to the account of one (who suffered at his hand). And
if his good deeds fall short to clear the account (of his mis-deeds), then
their sins would be entered in (his account) and he would be thrown in the
Hell-Fire!’
Your
Question: I would want the condition that the custody of my child is to
be given to me
In the unfortunate event of a divorce in Islam, Shariah
Law states that all children (male or female) will remain in the custody of the
mother until they reach the age of understanding and puberty; and it will be
responsibility of the father to provide the financial means for their upkeep.
Once the children reach the age of understanding, the
father has a right to move the Shariah Court if he wishes to gain custody of
the children. The Shariah Court Judge
will then ask the children who have attained the age of puberty whom they wish
to live with: their mother or their father; and whatever decision is made by
the children will be enforced by the Shariah Judge.
The decision of who gains the custody of the children in a
divorce in Islam neither rests with the mother, nor the father, nor the Shariah
Court Judge; but Allah Subhanah has placed this right of decision in the hands
of the children as soon as they reach the age of understanding and
puberty. The Shariah Court Judge will
only enforce the decision of the children, and give the parent who lost the
custody fair visitation rights.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only
due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me
alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is
the Only Source of Strength.
Your brother and
well wisher in Islam,
Burhan
Wister