Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Assalamualaikum wrwb
I have been married for 20 years now and blessed with 3 kids. I was a working lady for more than 20 years and since we were married, i gave all of my monthly earnings to my husband just to make life better. I work non stop cos of heavy load work whereas my husband is earning his salary by just sitting around or having leisure time without having to get involved in a more profitable business to make life more better. I am truly tired and sad cos its as if i am the breadwinner of the family and not him. I ask him permission to quit from work and stay at home to take care of my children but he forced me to work...telling me if i stop, there wont be enough for the family. Before we were married, he likes going to the horse track whereby he gambles ending up by end of the day borrowing my cash and that activity has became his favourite weekend hideaway until now.
Throughout our marriage, my husband use to be very picky bout what i say or do in the presence of the children and now when the children grows up, its as though paradise is under their father`s feet. They never knew that the money given to them by their father was their mother`s hard earning salary. There are lots of time, i feel hurt when my children talks to me in a very disappointing manner and i have lost my dignity as a mother.
I never like telling the children bout the negative sides of their father cos i do not want them to stop loving their father. I want them to be happy going through their teenage life cos when i was younger, i am not liked by my father who prefers son to daughter.
Both us husband and wife never sleeps in the same bed for 18 years now and he comes to me only when he has the urge of intimacy .thereafter, he would leave me to sleep alone. Its a great pain to be shunned by my husband and to have my children looking at me like i am not good enough to be their mother. There was a few times when i cried from the starting of my prayers till the end when my daughter accuses me of having an affair which is way out of my way as a muslimah.
Alhamdulillah...Allah swt has given me lots of patient and lots of courage to go through such sad life. But it would be more painful for me to see my children going through sad life of a broken marriage of their parents. This is one of the reason why i stayed in a marriage where there is no honesty and love.
Has he got the right to take away my earnings, has he got the right to make me work, has he got the right to criticise me in front of the children and has he got the right to leave me to sleep alone for all the years and in this case, if a woman turns their back on their husband, who is to be blamed?
Jazakallahu Khayran.

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Answer:

Sister marriage issues

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Your Question: Has he got the right to take away my earnings, has he got the right to make me work

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34: Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means.

Allah Subhanah has laid the complete financial responsibility of the family on the shoulders of the men in Islam. It is the duty and responsibility of the man to provide for the complete upkeep of his family to the best of his ability, and it is the duty of the wife and the family to be content with what has been provided for them.

In Islam, even if the wife is a multi-millionaire, she is not required nor obliged to spend even one cent on her husband or the upkeep of the children or the household; and she may spend her money on whoever and whatever she wills and pleases. The husband in Islam has absolutely no right to take away even a cent of his wife’s wealth, nor does he have the right to demand that his wife work or provide for the upkeep of the family or the household.

But if the wife, of her own free will and without any coercion whatsoever, pleases to give anything of her wealth to her husband or spend on the upkeep of the family or the house, she is well within her rights to do so.

If the husband takes any part of his wife’s wealth without her will, or he forces or coerces her to spend on the family or on the household, or he demands or forces his wife to work to bear or support the expenses of the family, he will be held guilty in the Just and Supreme Court of Allah Subhanah for his blatant and manifest transgression.

Your Question: has he got the right to criticise me in front of the children

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rome verse 21: And among His (Allah’s) Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

Allah Subhanah permitted and made lawful the sacred institution of marriage so that a man and a woman may live and dwell with each other in harmony and tranquility, and so that a family may come into existence, which is absolutely essential for the continuity of mankind.

Islam has guided the believers, who sincerely fear Allah and the Last Day, to honor their spouses in marriage, fulfill with benevolence and magnanimity the duties and responsibilities He has laid upon them in marriage, have mercy upon each other, forgive each others faults and short-comings, and live with peace, harmony, and tranquility within the boundaries of their Lord to whom they will all be gathered on an Inevitable and Tumultuous Day.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: ‘The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.’

Sahih Muslim Hadith 3469 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘a believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.’

Neither the husband has a right to criticize the wife in public without a strong reason, nor the wife has the right to criticize the husband in public without a strong reason. Islam has guided the believers in marriage to fear Allah their Lord, and be merciful and forgive the short-comings of each other. Mankind is always prone to error and shortcomings, and Islam has guided the believers in marriage that if there is one characteristic of the spouse which one hates or dislikes, one should search, concentrate, and be pleased with another of their habits or characteristics….thus making for a peaceful and harmonious life under the guidance of Allah the Most High.

Your Question: has he got the right to leave me to sleep alone for all the years

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34 (part): As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct (first) admonish them, (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) strike them (lightly); but if they return to obedience seek not against them means (of annoyance): for Allah is Most High Great (above you all).

In legal terms, if the husband fears disloyalty, ill-conduct, open transgression or disobedience from his wife, as a sign of his utter displeasure the husband in Islam does have a right to temporarily refuse to share their beds with their wife. On one occasion, the Prophet (saws) himself refused to share his bed with his wives for a period of one month.

But the husband absolutely does not have a legal right to refuse to share the bed with his wife on a permanent basis, whereby he leaves his wife hanging: neither giving her all her due rights in marriage in full, nor having divorced her so that she may seek companionship and happiness in another marriage. A person who does that will be in direct and clear violation of the laws of Islam, and will be held severely accountable for his oppression and injustice to his wife in the Majestic Presence of The Lord Most High on an Inevitable Day.

Your Question: if a woman turns their back on their husband, who is to be blamed?
If by ‘turning your back’ you mean you wish to seek a separation and a divorce from your husband, then from what you have related, you are well within your rights in Islam to initiate a divorce proceedings from your husband, if you wish to do so.

But if by ‘turning your back’ you mean to refuse to share his bed when he calls upon you, then a wife in Islam does not have a right to refuse to bed with her husband when he calls upon her to do so.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 4.460 Narrated by Abu Huraira

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "If a husband calls his wife to his bed (i.e. to have sexual relation) and she refuses and causes him to sleep in anger, the Angels will curse her till morning."

If a wife cannot bear to live with her husband, she is well within her rights in Islam to initiate a divorce proceedings against him; but as long as she remains married to him, regardless of whether or not the husband fulfills all his duties or responsibilities or not, the wife must fear Allah and make sure that she fulfills all her duties and responsibilities in full in her marriage. Just because one party in marriage is unjust and usurps the others right does not give the other party the right to be unjust! Each person will be responsible for the fulfillment of one’s duties and responsibilities in the Just and Supreme Court of Allah Subhanah on an Inevitable Day, and any who has usurped the other’s rights unjustly will be held to severe account by the All-Knowing, All-Wise Lord, and the oppressed party will be compensated in full in the Presence of the Lord Most High.

If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your Brother in Islam,

Burhan