Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Assalam-o-alaikum. My question to you is very unusual and painful as it involves a mother and daughter. Both have Islamic knowledge and have been conducting Quran classes. The mother has stopped for a few years but attends dars regularly and is particular abt prayer and fasting etc.
She has of late been very abusive and ungrateful to her older daughter and son-in-law for having neglected her. The daughter has been visiting her every single day and often met wih sarcasm and ingratitude and always hearing here lamenting her past. The mother has also split with her husband who is 75 yrs of age and the two have a long history of separations and then coming together repeatedly in the past The older son married a T.V model 18 yrs ago and the mom had standing orders to the family to boycott the wedding. Many yrs of hate and ill-will existed towards that girl. They had 2 kids and recently got divorced after so many yrs.

This family in discussion was very wealthy. The 2 daughters are generally happily married with children.One daughter had some financial crises and is being supported by the father and brother. The older daughter is nothing but a well-wisher of the family but finds her mom too stern in her dealings. She has seen her parents fight and abuse all her youth inspite of financial prosperity in the house. A year ago the mom had a very serious fight with her husband and once he left she did not allow him into her house. He lives with his older sister and b-in-law. Ever since she lives by herself with her maid.

The lady in discussion can only have her own way and cant bear any kind of opposition.She has often had animostisies with her siblings,brothers,sisters,in-laws,neighbours,children,servants etc. In her mind she has forgiven everyone as they were all bad to her. The truth is when she is good to people she can be very kind too.

The issue is regarding the older daughter who is the target of her mom's wrath. She refused to move in to her daughter's house when offered to do so after her separation. She lives in the same city and  thought it would be safer and more practical. The mother has told her other son and daughter who live in other cities that the daughter has some ulterior motive behind this suggestion even though the daughter has sworn her innocence and sincerity. The mother misconstrues every gesture of this daughter and has a hundred lies and phantoms against her.The daughter has been under a lot of duress as she knows she will invite Allah's wrath if she neglects her mother and on the other hand is always under her mother's slander and abuse. She however is in touch with her dad.

The point is that this daughter is mentally so affected by her mom's cribbing,complainig,anger, bad mouthing,hitting below the belt,accusations,falsereporting to the siblings abt her intentions and gestures. The bro and sis both know the mom's temperament but keep on pushing the married sister to keep visiting and calling but the mother just does not appreciate any of her gestures. The daughter is completely disturbed as she is very acutely aware of the commandments of the Quran n sunnah and keeps forgiving her mother. But is seeking some advice as her mother's behaviour is affecting her while the other 2 siblings are in her better books as they are at a distance. Please do give advice to this daughter. J. Khair.

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Answer:

Abusive mother parents

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:

Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verse 14:

14 And We have enjoined on mankind (to be good) to their parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.18 Narrated by Aisha

The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his bonds of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him!"

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas

The Prophet (saws) was asked about the ‘Kabair’ (the absolute gravest sins in the Sight of Allah). He (saws) replied: "They are:--

1. To join others in worship with Allah,
2. To be undutiful to one's parents,
3. To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill) (i.e. to commit the crime of murder),
4. And to give a false witness."

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra

The Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the Greatest sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."

After the rights due to Allah and His Messenger (saws), in Islam the biggest rights in all mankind are due to one’s parents. The enormity of being undutiful to one’s parents can be imagined by the fact that The Messenger of Allah (saws) listed being undutiful to one’s parents as the second gravest of all the gravest sins in Islam!

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3653 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr

The Prophet (saws) said, "An undutiful son, a gambler, one who casts up what he has given, and one who is addicted to wine will not enter Paradise."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3655 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "There are three people to whom Allah has forbidden Paradise: one who is addicted to wine, an undutiful son, and a cuckold who agrees to his womenfolk's adultery."

Respected sister in Islam, absolutely regardless of what one’s parents might have done or said in the past, absolutely regardless of whether or not they fulfill their responsibilities towards their off-spring or not, regardless of their conduct, or character, or condition….their child, being one who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day, should never never ever resent them, or be rude towards them, or break relations with them, or say unto them even a harsh word! And if their Lord has blessed one or both his parents to reach an abject old age, and their age has made them senile, or troublesome, or quarrelsome, or even unreasonable….bring to remembrance the time when the off-spring itself was a totally and completely helpless infant and they brought it up with kindness and affection……thus when they reach that abject old age where after having known and done much, they know nothing….it is precisely at this stage of their lives when the off-spring is Commanded by their Lord to treat them with absolute and total humility, and tenderness, and kindness, and mercy….and whatsoever their parents may choose to say or do….do not even say ‘uff’ to them…but speak to them words of humility and pray to the Lord Most Merciful to have mercy upon them, just as they had mercy on their child in its infancy.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 16 Surah Nahl verse 70:

70 It is Allah who creates you and takes your souls at death; and of you there are some who are sent back to a feeble age so that they know nothing after having known (much): for Allah is All-Knowing All-Powerful.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:

Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”

Respected sister in Islam, absolutely regardless of what one’s parents might have said or done to their child in the past…it would only be prudent for the believing off-spring to remember that this life is only a place of test and a trial….and the honor of serving one’s parents in their old age is an opportunity for the righteous to earn the ultimate reward of Paradise from their Lord in the Hereafter.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah

A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise or your Hell."

Sahih Muslim Hadith 6189 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘Let him be humbled into dust! Let him be humbled into dust!’ It was said: ‘O Allah's Messenger (saws), who is he?’ He (saws) said: ‘He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise (through his deeds of service towards them)!’

Regardless of whatever one’s parents might choose to say or do unto their off-spring…… it just does not behove and befit one who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day to treat them harshly, or Allah forbid, disown them! Allah is our witness sister, there is only one crime and sin greater in the Sight of Allah than an off-spring being rude, or manner-less, or harsh with their words and their deeds with their parents….ie. ‘shirk’ or associating other gods with Allah Subhanah!!!

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 13 Surah Ar-Raad verse 25:

As for those who break their covenant with Allah after confirming it, who cut asunder relationships which Allah has bidden to be joined, and spread chaos on the earth, their’s shall be the curse, and they shall have a wretched abode in the Hereafter.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Bakarah verse 27:

And He leads astray only those who disobey Allah, who break Allah’s covenant after ratifying it, who cut asunder relationships what Allah has ordered to be joined, and who produce chaos on the Earth. These are indeed the people who are the losers.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.17 Narrated by Abu Huraira

The Prophet (saws) said, "The word 'Ar-Rahm (womb) derives its name from Ar-Rahman (i.e., one of the Names of Allah) and Allah said: 'I will keep good relation with the one who will keep good relation with you (the womb, i.e. kith and kin), and sever the relation with him who will sever the relation with you (the womb, i.e. kith and kin).

It is absolutely impermissible, forbidden, and an abomination of a sin in the Sight of Allah for one to break or sever any ties or relationships of blood which the Lord Himself has created for them, leave alone breaking relations with one’s own parents!!!

Respected sister in Islam, whatever might have transpired between oneself and one’s parents in the past, whatever they might have chosen to say or do unto their own off-spring, whatever the situation and conditions….the believing off-spring, as one who fears Allah and the Last Day, must never never ever say or do anything which would cause them even an iota of pain and grief….if indeed they sincerely believe in Allah and the Last Day. Only and only if one is satisfied that their Lord Creator Himself will sever relations with him, should one ever even contemplate of ever severing their relationship with their own parents!!!! Such is the gravity of breaking or severing one’s blood relationships in the Sight of Allah Subhanah!

If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan