Abusive husband.
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
(May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked
this question:
Assalamu
alaikoum,
May Allah reward your efforts in helping out brothers and sisters answer their
questions regarding Islam, our way of life.
Here is my situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years and a half.
We have never really been happy together except for a few days after we had
been separated. My husband has an anger problem. He is extremely nervous and
gets angry at everyone and everything. It seems to me he cannot bare living
with someone else. I am a convert and have been for 5 years now and sometimes I
wonder about my husbands intentions for marrying me. He does not have a
Canadian status yet and this has been an issue in our life together. I must say
our marriage has been very strange as he gave me the impression he did not want
to marry me from the begining and he always complains about me even though I do
my best to please him. He gets angry at me even though he is mad at someone
else or at himself. He shouts at me and tells me the most horrible things. I
wanted to divorce many many times and we discussed it a lot. He agreed many
times to get divorce but he never pronounced divorce to me specificaly.
Sometimes we would live separately for a few days and he would come to me and
beg me to forgive him and he does not want to lose me. Usualy the way it works
when we fight, he insults me, shouts at me and when it gets too bad, I have to
get out of our home and go away for a while to be safe. Within our 4 years 1/2
of marriage, he must have kicked me out of our home 10 to 15 times, forcing me
to give him the apartment keys back. He would leave me without money and I had
to go seek shelter at my mother`s place. He never expressely said he divorced
me in those times. But he would say things like: " Pack all your things
and I don`t ever want to see your *** face again! " the I would go out and
take the bus to my mother`s place. Most of the times, he will come back to me
the next day or a few days later seeking forgiveness and takes me back home.
Another scenario is the same, except before I open the apartment door to leave
with my personal belongings, he blocks the way and forces me to stay home and
laughs as if it`s funny and I am hurt from his behaviour. I start crying and he
tries to hug me and kiss me and keeps laughing. Then he says he did not mean
what he said, or for me to go away, he says he`s stupid etc. He lets me pack my
things and stops me just before I open the door.
My problem is, he did this for over 10-15 times, if not more. Sometimes it
would happen 2-3 times within the same month. But he doesnt say "I divorce
you". Does this behaviour count as divorce or not?! For how long can he
kick me out of our home without saying I divorce you so we are done? I am very
tired and I want to continue with my life and I do appreciate things about him
but we are in fights every day. I cannot raise a family with him and he refuses
to get divorce. I feel like we have already een divorced for a long time
because of his behaviour. Please enlighten me because I cannot take this
anymore. I tried to get khula but he cries and cries when we talk about it and I
feel guilty! Guilt is the only feeling that lets me stay with him. If we get
divorced legally as well, he will need to go back to his country and he might
suffer from this. But we cannot live together! And I can`t let him suffer back
home! What to do??? Are we already divorced and haram for eachother for a long
time or do I have to put up with his behaviour?
A very very very desperate sister.
(There may be some grammatical and spelling
errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from
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confidentiality.)
Answer:
Abusive husband
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His
help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide,
and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear
witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear
witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His
Messengers.
Your
Question: …..My problem is, he did this for over 10-15 times, if not more.
Sometimes it would happen 2-3 times within the same month. But he doesnt say
"I divorce you". Does this behaviour count as divorce or not?!
Respected sister in Islam, a divorce has to be pronounced
by the husband for it to be considered established in the Sight of Shariah Law
and of Allah Subhanah. Regardless of the
words uttered by your husband, as long as he has not clearly declared ‘I
divorce you’, rest assured that no divorce has been established in your marriage
in the Sight of Shariah Law.
Your
Question: Are we already divorced and haram for eachother for a long time or do
I have to put up with his behaviour?
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah
Nisaa verse 34:
34
Men are the
protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has
given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their
means. Therefore the righteous women are
devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them
guard (their chastity, their husband’s honor, property, etc.)
Respected Sister in Islam, the sacred institution of
marriage in Islam is not a union between two people who compete against each
other, but rather a marriage in Islam is a sacred union between two people who
complement each other in their partnership, who develop and maintain the love
and mercy between them that Allah Subhanah has created for them in their
marriage, and strive together as a team to live a life of peace, harmony and
tranquility under the fear and guidance of Allah.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah
Rome verse 21:
21 And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among
yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put
love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for
those who reflect.
If one truly seeks guidance in one’s marriage, there is no
better recipe for peace, harmony and tranquility in one’s relationship with
one’s spouse in marriage than the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws).
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘The most perfect
Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best
among you are those who behave best towards their wives.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3252 Narrated by Aisha ; Abdullah ibn Abbas
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The best
of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my
family."
Sahih Muslim Hadith 3465 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As
Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘The whole
world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious
woman.’
Sahih Muslim Hadith 3469 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘a believing
man should not hate a believing woman (his wife); if he dislikes one of her
characteristics, he will be pleased with another.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3358 Narrated by AbuBakr as-Siddiq
The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats
badly those under his authority will not enter
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
When Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him)
was asked which woman was best he replied, "The one who pleases (her
husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not
go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of
which he disapproves."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Had it been
permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have
ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 284 Narrated by AbuAli Talq ibn Ali
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘When a man sends
for his wife for the satisfaction of his need, she should go to him even if she
may be occupied in baking bread.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If a woman dies
while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter
Amongst the obligatory rights that are due from a husband
to his wife in marriage are that he honor her, love her, cherish her, be kind,
generous and merciful towards her, protect her, and provide for her complete
upkeep according to his means.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3358 Narrated by AbuBakr as-Siddiq
The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats
badly those under his authority will not enter
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘The most perfect
Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best
among you are those who behave best towards their wives.’
In return for everything the husband does for the wife in
the sacred bond of marriage, the guidance of Islam commands and guides the wife
to be grateful and devoutly obedient to her husband.
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 1.28 Narrated by Ibn Abbas
The Prophet (saws) said: "I was shown
the Hell-Fire and found that the majority of its dwellers were women who were
ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah? (or are they
ungrateful to Allah?)” He (saws) replied, "They are
not thankful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors done to them.
Even if you were to do good to one of them all your life, when she seems some
harshness from you, she will say, "I have never seen any good from
you!"
Beloved Sister, if your husband is not willing to give you
your due rights in the marriage, you have two lawful options in Islam:
- Bear
his unjust oppression with patience with the conviction that justice will
be served and you will get your full and due retribution in the Presence
of your Lord Most Just, Most Supreme on that Inevitable Day of Judgment;
and thus save your marriage.
- If
you cannot bring yourself to bear the unjust oppression of your husband in
the marriage, you are well within your rights to initiate a divorce
proceedings against such an evil and impious husband….and if what you have
related is indeed true, there would be no blame or sin upon you.
Respected Sister, if you opt to save your
marriage….regardless of whether or not your husband chooses to fulfill all his
rights towards you or not, you should fear Allah and make absolutely sure that
you fulfill all the rights that are due unto him in the marriage. It might appear that one who is unjust might
get away with his injustice and oppression in the life of this short and
transient world; but we assure you sister, none will get away with one’s
oppression and injustice in the Presence of the Lord Most Majestic Most Supreme
on that Inevitable Day of Judgment!
Sahih Muslim
Hadith 6251 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's
Messenger (saws) said: ‘Do you know who is a ‘muflis’ (abjectly poor or one who
is totally bankrupt)?’ They (the Companions (r.a.) of the Prophet (saws)) said:
‘A ‘muflis’ amongst us is one who has neither dirham with him nor wealth.’ He
(the Prophet (saws)) said: ‘The ‘muflis’ of my Ummah would be he who would come
on the Day of Resurrection with prayers and fasts and Zakah but (he would find
himself bankrupt on that day as he would have exhausted his funds of virtues)
since he hurled abuses upon others, brought calumny against others, unlawfully
consumed the wealth of others, shed the blood of others, and beat others. His
virtues would be credited to the account of one (who suffered at his hand). And
if his good deeds fall short to clear the account (of his mis-deeds), then
their sins would be entered in (his account) and he would be thrown in the
Hell-Fire!’
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only
due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me
alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is
the Only Source of Strength.
Your brother and
well wisher in Islam,
Burhan
Wister