Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

I got married 2 months back, my elder brother also get married 2 months back. We live with our old parents. I married her after much efforts as i love her alot. I convinced my family to marry me with her. I've a good earning, i've servants at home for cooking food, cleaning the home and washing cloths etc. My wife doesn't have to do any work. On 24th night of our marriage my wife asked me that she wants to do a job because she get bored at home. I politely forbade her and told her that doind job is not easy and it will cause much discomfort to her which i wouldn't like. Moreover,if she does job then we'll have no time to relish each other, our relationship would get affected. When i told this to her she angrily asked me to give her divorce and told me that she is an independent human being and i can't put limitations like this. I didn't speak after that and didn't give her divorce but deep inside i thought that i love so much to her and she asked me for divorce just for the reason that i don't like her doing job. Her father frequently asks her that why she's not doing a job and she should do some job and should not waste her education and life while not doing a good job. Her parents live in other city.

Somedays back her father had pain and diagnosed for gallstone and advised by the doctor for surgery. My wife is very much attached and influenced by her father. She asked me that she wants to be there at bed side during her father's surgery. I said ok, and 2 days before surgery i sent her to her parents city. Her one sister married in my city, she didn't go for this event. A week after her father's surgery, I asked her that when she'll be coming bacl, she didn't give me satisfactory answer instead she told me in humour that she'll never come back. But she continues to talk with me on phone. Again after two weeks of her father's surgery i asked her that when she will be returning and that she has lived there enough now. She got angry and told me that she has lived more days with me after marriage than the days she lived with her parents now, and that she'll return when her heart fwill feel so, but in the last she told me that it will take 2 more weeks to return. I asked her that it would be too much time then she again told me in anger that she'll never come back. I am very much disappointed by her behavior. She doesn't obey me, i am not asking her to do anything against islam then why she is not obeying me? I love and care her so much that i don't spend a single penny on myself but always fulfills her wishes. I dont' even ask her to bring food in the plate for me from kitchen if the servant is not present, i do it by myself, sometime she helps me. Please tell me what should I do? is she right in doing all that?

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Answer:

Diobedient wife issues

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Your Question: She doesn't obey me, i am not asking her to do anything against islam then why she is not obeying me?

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34:

34   Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard (their chastity, their husband’s honor, property, etc.)

The sacred institution of marriage in Islam is not a union between two people who compete against each other, but rather a marriage in Islam is a sacred union between two people who complement each other in their partnership, who develop and maintain the love and mercy between them that Allah Subhanah has created for them in their marriage, and strive together as a team to live a life of peace, harmony and tranquility under the fear and guidance of Allah.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rome verse 21:

21 And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

If one truly seeks guidance in one’s marriage, there is no better recipe for peace, harmony and tranquility in one’s relationship with one’s spouse in marriage than the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws).

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: ‘The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3252 Narrated by Aisha ; Abdullah ibn Abbas

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family."

Sahih Muslim Hadith 3465 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.’

Sahih Muslim Hadith 3469 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘a believing man should not hate a believing woman (his wife); if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3358 Narrated by AbuBakr as-Siddiq

The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats badly those under his authority will not enter Paradise."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

When Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) was asked which woman was best he replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Had it been permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 284 Narrated by AbuAli Talq ibn Ali

The Prophet (saws) said: ‘When a man sends for his wife for the satisfaction of his need, she should go to him even if she may be occupied in baking bread.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah

The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.’

Your Question: She doesn't obey me, i am not asking her to do anything against islam then why she is not obeying me?

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.27 Narrated by Abu Huraira

The Prophet (saws) said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser."

Respected brother, it is evident from the guidance of the Glorious Quran that if one disobeys the obligatory Commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws); one would be utterly ruined in this world and the Hereafter.

In our humble opinion brother, if one disobeys even the advice and recommendations of Allah and His Messenger (saws), Allah is our witness one will be in utter and manifest loss!

Although it is lawful in Shariah Law for a believer to marry any chaste believing woman, the Messenger of Allah (saws) time and time again advised, recommended and guided the believing men to seek to marry pious and religious women, if indeed they did not wish to be in loss.

Allah Alone Knows Best brother, but from the symptoms which you have narrated and the attitude of disobedience of your wife suggest that maybe you did not take the advice of the Messenger of Allah (saws) to seek to marry a pious and God-fearing wife as seriously as you should have.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verses 34-35:

34 …… As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience seek not against them means (of annoyance): for Allah is Most High Great (above you all).

35 If ye fear a breach between them twain appoint (two) arbiters one from his family and the other from hers; if they wish for peace Allah will cause their reconciliation: for Allah hath full knowledge and is acquainted with all things

If one finds oneself in a marriage where the wife is disobedient even to the lawful commands of her husband, the remedies which Islam prescribes before one reaches for the ultimate solution of divorce are as follows:

1. Admonish them: talk to them with patience and with patience, and let them know politely but firmly that their attitude of constant disobedience is not helping their cause in marriage.
2. Refuse to share their beds: As much as this would sound like a sacrifice and punishment for the men, the truth is there is no bigger pain for the nature of a woman than for her husband to refuse to have sexual intercourse with her! Thus if the polite admonishments for a considerable period of time still do not seem to get the desired result, one may move to the next level and refuse to share the beds with their wife until they turn to obedience. Any woman, who sincerely wishes to save her marriage, would or should strive to change her rebellious attitude at this stage.
3. If after admonishment and the refusal to share their beds for a considerable period of time still bring about absolutely no change in their rebellious attitude of the wife, Islam has allowed the husband to lightly ‘beat’ their wives as a sign of their utter disgust. Please note that this is not a license for the husband to beat his wife ‘black-and-blue’……on the contrary, the husband should fear Allah and exercise this option of light beating only and only if he feels that it might bring about a severe improvement in the rebellious attitude of his wife and thus enable them to save their marriage.
4. If all of the above three steps bring about no improvement, the absolute penultimate step is to appoint two arbitrators….one from the husband’s side and one’s from the wife’s side and the couple may come to a mutual understanding.
5. If even that fails, then the only choice left is to permanently separate from each other through the institution of divorce!

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan