Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

My Question is:

I have very bad relation with my father.  There are thousands of reasons: My Mother whom he divorced and now my wife even though he selected her for me.

I dont say that i am always right but he as a father never tried to build relation with me.  In fact when my son died i was very sad and I realised that may be my father is not happy this happened to me by God.  I aske forgiveness with God and my father also.  But my father did not agree and continues to behave same way as before.

What are my obligations toeards him now.  Right now i avoid any contact with him as he has given me monitoraly and socially lot of problems and it is really unberable.  Plz advice

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Answer:

Abusive father

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:

Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verse 14:

14 And We have enjoined on mankind (to be good) to their parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.18 Narrated by Aisha

The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his bonds of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him!"

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas

The Prophet (saws) was asked about the ‘Kabair’ (the absolute gravest sins in the Sight of Allah). He (saws) replied: "They are:--

1. To join others in worship with Allah,
2. To be undutiful to one's parents,
3. To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill) (i.e. to commit the crime of murder),
4. And to give a false witness."

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra

The Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the Greatest sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."

After the rights due to Allah and His Messenger (saws), in Islam the biggest rights in all mankind are due to one’s parents. The enormity of being undutiful to one’s parents can be imagined by the fact that The Messenger of Allah (saws) listed being undutiful to one’s parents as the second gravest of all the gravest sins in Islam!

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3653 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr

The Prophet (saws) said, "An undutiful son, a gambler, one who casts up what he has given, and one who is addicted to wine will not enter Paradise."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3655 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "There are three people to whom Allah has forbidden Paradise: one who is addicted to wine, an undutiful son, and a cuckold who agrees to his womenfolk's adultery."

Dear and beloved brother in Islam, absolutely regardless of what one’s parents might have done or said in the past, absolutely regardless of whether or not they fulfill their responsibilities towards their off-spring or not, regardless of their conduct, or character, or condition….their child, being one who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day, should never never ever resent them, or be rude towards them, or break relations with them, or say unto them even a harsh word! And if their Lord has blessed one or both his parents to reach an abject old age, and their age has made them senile, or troublesome, or quarrelsome, or even unreasonable….bring to remembrance the time when the off-spring himself was a totally and completely helpless infant and they brought him up with kindness and affection……thus when they reach that abject old age where after having known and done much, they know nothing….it is precisely at this stage of their lives when the off-spring is Commanded by their Lord to treat them with absolute and total humility, and tenderness, and kindness, and mercy….and whatsoever their parents may choose to say or do….do not even say ‘uff’ to them…but speak to them words of humility and pray to the Lord Most Merciful to have mercy upon them, just as they had mercy on their child in its infancy.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 16 Surah Nahl verse 70:

70 It is Allah who creates you and takes your souls at death; and of you there are some who are sent back to a feeble age so that they know nothing after having known (much): for Allah is All-Knowing All-Powerful.

My dear and beloved brother in Islam, absolutely regardless of what one’s parents might have said or done to their child in the past…it would only be prudent for the believing off-spring to remember that this life is only a place of test and a trial….and the honor of serving one’s parents in their old age is an opportunity for the righteous to earn the ultimate reward of Paradise from their Lord in the Hereafter.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah

A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise or your Hell."

Sahih Muslim Hadith 6189 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘Let him be humbled into dust! Let him be humbled into dust!’ It was said: ‘O Allah's Messenger (saws), who is he?’ He (saws) said: ‘He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise (through his deeds of service towards them)!’

Regardless of whatever one’s parents might choose to say or do unto their off-spring…… it just does not behove and befit one who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day to treat them harshly, or Allah forbid, disown them! Allah is our witness brother, there is only one crime and sin greater in the Sight of Allah than an off-spring being rude, or manner-less, or harsh with their words and their deeds with their parents….ie. ‘shirk’ or associating other gods with Allah Subhanah!!!

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 13 Surah Ar-Raad verse 25:

As for those who break their covenant with Allah after confirming it, who cut asunder relationships which Allah has bidden to be joined, and spread chaos on the earth, their’s shall be the curse, and they shall have a wretched abode in the Hereafter.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Bakarah verse 27:

And He leads astray only those who disobey Allah, who break Allah’s covenant after ratifying it, who cut asunder relationships what Allah has ordered to be joined, and who produce chaos on the Earth. These are indeed the people who are the losers.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.17 Narrated by Abu Huraira

The Prophet (saws) said, "The word 'Ar-Rahm (womb) derives its name from Ar-Rahman (i.e., one of the Names of Allah) and Allah said: 'I will keep good relation with the one who will keep good relation with you (the womb, i.e. kith and kin), and sever the relation with him who will sever the relation with you (the womb, i.e. kith and kin).

It is absolutely impermissible, forbidden, and an abomination of a sin in the Sight of Allah for one to break or sever any ties or relationships of blood which the Lord Himself has created for them, leave alone breaking relations with one’s own parents!!!

Dear and beloved brother in Islam, whatever might have transpired between oneself and one’s parents in the past, whatever they might have chosen to say or do unto their own off-spring, whatever the situation and conditions….the believing off-spring, as one who fears Allah and the Last Day, must never never ever say or do anything which would cause them even an iota of pain and grief….if indeed they sincerely believe in Allah and the Last Day. Only and only if one is satisfied that their Lord Creator Himself will sever relations with him, should one ever even contemplate of ever severing their relationship with their own parents!!!! Such is the gravity of breaking or severing one’s blood relationships in the Sight of Allah Subhanah!

If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan