Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

 assalam waliakum. i have always wondered about love, marriage and destiny.

is it true that marriage is destiny? Does Allah already put us in pairs soon as we are born? people fall in love and be with each other for years and then all of a sudden their parents arrrange their marriage to someone else and the girl or guy gets married to the one their parents choose. but why is that?

why is it that for so long people stay together and then they end up marrying someone else? how can u love someone and marry soneone else? is it that we decide who to love and its Allah who decides our marriage? is love. marriage and destiny related to one another? 

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Is marriage pre-decided fate destiny

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Your Question: is it true that marriage is destiny?

Beloved Sister, what we recognize as destiny or fate is no more than the Perfect and Absolute Knowledge of Allah Subhanah which He has recorded with Him before anything came into creation. He Alone has the Perfect and Absolute Knowledge of the past, present and the future; and that Perfect and Absolute Knowledge of His is what is called destiny.

Thus, in a sense marriage is indeed destiny, for Allah Subhanah, in His Absolute and Perfect Knowledge, Knows which of his slave will marry whom in which particular age.

Does Allah already put us in pairs soon as we are born?

Because Allah’s Knowledge is Absolutely Perfect, He ‘Knows’ who will pair with whom in which time, age, and place, etc.; but it would not be an accurate statement to say that Allah ‘puts’ or forces us to marry a particular person; for whom we choose to marry is a deed we choose for ourselves, and thus we ourselves are accountable for it.

The Majestic Creator has bestowed two things upon man (and Jinns) which He has not bestowed upon any amongst His creation; and thus involved him in a test:

1. Intelligence or the Power of Reasoning
2. A ‘free will’ to choose whatever path he wishes to follow in life

Whoever, with the bestowed intelligence recognizes his Lord and Creator, and of his own free will chooses to follow the path approved by Him will be shown Allah’s Mercy and Grace. And Whoever denies his Lord and Creator, and of his own free will chooses to follow any other path than the approved path of the Lord, he will deserve the Wrath and Anger of the All-Mighty Lord.

Because the All-Knowing, All-Wise Lord has involved man in a test for a short period of one life, He has allowed man for this limited period, to choose his path and do deeds as one pleases. It is indeed true that Allah Subhanah, knows exactly what each individual will do at every stage of his life, but that is because He has Perfect and Absolute Knowledge of everything of the past, present and future.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 6.474 Narrated by Ali ibn Abi Taalib

While the Prophet (saws) was in a funeral procession, he (saws) picked up something and started scraping the ground with it, and said, "There is none among you but has his place written for him either in the Hell Fire or in Paradise." They said, "O Allah's Messenger (saws)! Shall we not depend upon what has been written for us and give up deeds?" He (saws) said, "Carry on doing (good) deeds, for everybody will find easy to do such deeds as will lead him to his destined place for which he has been created. So he who is destined to be among the happy (in the Hereafter), will find it easy to do the deeds characteristic of such people, while he who is destined to be among the miserable ones, will find it easy to do the deeds characteristic of such people."

To fulfill the requirements of the ‘test’, man is permitted to use his intelligence and do deeds as he sees best for himself; and for this test of one transitory life, there is absolutely no compulsion upon him. The ‘fate’ or ‘predetermined will’ is no more than the Perfect and Absolute Knowledge of Allah Subhanah, whereby He Knows Perfectly well what each individual will do at every stage of his life. If man was compelled to do deeds according to ‘fate’ or the ‘pre-determined will’, then it would not constitute a fair ‘test’, for man could then not be held accountable for his deeds!

When one is seeking a suitable partner in marriage, the guidance given by Islam is that one should use his intelligence and power of reasoning, and seek to marry a partner best suitable to him/her for the life of this world and the Hereafter.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.27 Narrated by Abu Huraira

The Prophet (saws) said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman, (otherwise) you will be a loser."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3090 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.'

Thus, although Allah Subhanah Knows exactly who will marry whom in His Perfect and Absolute Knowledge of everything in existence; man is under no compulsion. He has to use his intelligence and power of reasoning and choose the partner that is most suitable for him for his life in this world and the Hereafter. Had the choice of partners been pre-determined like one’s parents, relatives, place of birth, place of death, etc., the Messenger of Allah (saws) would not have guided the believers to overlook the transient and short-lived aspects of wealth, and beauty, and lineage when seeking a partner in marriage; and choose a righteous religious woman if he indeed wanted to be successful in his marriage!

Whenever something is pre-determined, like one’s looks, one’s parents and relatives, one’s place and time of birth or death, etc.; one has absolutely no choice and thus one is not accountable for such incidents or happenings. But wherever one has a choice to act according to his will, he will be accountable for his choice.

Thus in effect, whom one chooses to marry is a choice each individual makes of his own free will, and thus will be held accountable for his choice.

Your Question: people fall in love and be with each other for years and then all of a sudden their parents arrrange their marriage to someone else and the girl or guy gets married to the one their parents choose. but why is that? why is it that for so long people stay together and then they end up marrying someone else? how can u love someone and marry soneone else?

Some people ‘choose’ to pick their own partners in marriage; while others ‘choose’ to allow their parents or loved ones ‘choose’ their partners; either way it is the choice one makes of one own’s free will, thus one can never ever claim that it was Allah Subhanah or His Destiny that forced or coerced him to marry the person he chose to marry.

Wherever Allah Subhanah has not given a choice or a ‘free will’ to man to choose for himself, he will not be accountable for those things in the Just and Supreme Court of Allah Subhanah. Man will never ever be questioned why he was not born a prince, or why he was not born with four eyes, or why he was not born in Japan or America, or why he did not die in Australia, or why did he not earn a million dollars, etc.!!! These are decisions and Decrees of Allah, and man has absolutely no choice regarding the obedience of these Decrees!

Wherever Allah Subhanah has allowed man to choose of his own ‘free will’, he will be questioned whether he followed the guidance revealed by Allah or not…and that is precisely the ‘test of life’ ordained by Allah Subhanah for mankind in this one short transitory life!

Whom one chooses to marry or whom one appoints to choose for him is a choice each individual makes from his own ‘free will’; and he will thus be responsible for it.

Your Question: is it that we decide who to love and its Allah who decides our marriage?

Beloved Sister, although Allah Subhanah already knows because of His Perfect and Absolute Knowledge every move His creation will make, including to whom he will fall in love, to whom he will hate, to whom he will marry, whom he will divorce, how many children they will have, etc.; these are the choices each individual makes of his own ‘free will’ and not the Commands, Decisions, or Decrees of Allah Subhanah.

Unlike our birth, death, relatives, wealth, looks, etc. which are bestowed upon us by the Decree of Allah Subhanah, we are not forced or coerced by Allah to love and hate, marry or divorce, etc.; these are choices each individual makes of his own ‘free will’! Although both are in the Perfect Knowledge of Allah Subhanah, there is a huge difference between the two: in one aspect of life we have absolutely no choice, and thus no accounting regarding its happenings, while in the other we have been bestowed with a choice, and thus we will be held accountable only for the choices we have made for ourselves.

Whom one ‘chooses’ to love and whom one ‘chooses’ to marry are decisions each individual makes for himself; and that is precisely why Allah and His Messenger (saws) have guided the believers in this aspect of their lives. One may ‘choose’ to accept their guidance or one may choose to reject it; and that is precisely the ‘test of life’ which Allah Subhanah has ordained for mankind in this life.

Beloved Sister in Islam, this concept and understanding of ‘fate’, ‘destiny’, and ‘pre-determined’ Decrees and Decisions of Allah Subhanah is very simple; but people have unnecessarily deluded themselves to be confused in this matter.

Wherever Allah Subhanah has not given mankind a choice (birth, death, wealth, looks, etc.), these are the Decisions and Decrees of Allah, and one has no choice but to submit to these Decisions and Decrees; and thus he will not be held accountable for these.

Wherever Allah Subhanah has given mankind a ‘choice’ to choose according to his own ‘free will’, Allah and His Messenger (saws) have guided mankind to choose the right and stay away from the wrong. In all such matter where one has a choice, he will be held accountable for the choices he made.

And ‘destiny’ or ‘fate’ as we know it is nothing more than the Perfect and Absolute Knowledge of the Majestic Lord, All-Knowing, All-Wise! Because His Knowledge is Absolute and Perfect, He Knows who amongst His creation will choose what under the given circumstances; but for the period of one life-time as a ‘test’, He guided man through His Books and His Messengers, and has allowed man a ‘free will’ to choose what he wills; and it is precisely these choices that man makes for which he will be held accountable in the Just and Supreme Court of Allah Subhanah on that Inevitable Day of Judgment.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan