Chose between wife and mother
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
My query is related to the same topic. The difference is that my in laws are greedy of money and they have 2 other sons too to look after them. They say that my husband has no right to look after his wife and child but it is his right to look after his parents, his brothers and brother's families. I till certain period tolerated this as long as my daughter was small. But now my daughter is school going and my in laws dont want us to educate her or give her good things in life...I cannot tolerate this. Worst thing is whenever my husband goes to them they tell him to illtreat my daughter and me and to leave both of us forever. I am the only child of my parents and they too are old and sick they cannot look after me if he leaves us. In this situation I told my husband to stay away from his parents because if he goes to his parents my child will lose her father...In Islam Allah says that we have certain rights towards our parents so it also says that we have certain rights towards our children too...If our parents dont want us to look after our children and keep us away from them...what should we do? Please tell me if I am doing wrong by keeping my husband away from his family so that my child gets a happy and loving family and doesnt lose her father. Please help this sister in Islam. May Allah's blessing be upon you. Thank you.
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Chose between wife and mother
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24: Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say uff to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.
After the rights due to Allah Subhanah, in Islam the biggest rights in all mankind is due to our parents. And after the rights of parents, is the rights of our near relatives, far relatives, muslims, neighbors, etc. In Islam, the law is that one must give all the rights due to each, without effecting the rights of others.
For instance, one cannot take away the right due to our parents, and give them to our wives and children. Neither can he take away the rights of the wives and children and give them to his parents. There should be a proper balance, and a muslim, who indeed fears Allah and the Last Day, should give each party its rights without effecting the rights of the other.
Regarding the rights and obligations of our parents upon us, it is imperative and obligatory on every believer, who fears Allah and the Last Day, to treat and obey his parents in absolutely everything, except if they ask you to do something which is against the command of Allah and His Messenger (saws). Other than that, their word is basically a command for us! We are not allowed in any circumstance to groan, moan, growl, whimper or even say uff to them! We have to obey them in every respect, as long as their command is not against Allah and His Messenger (saws). We have been enjoined by Allah Subhanah to be kind to them, be patient with them, be merciful to them, be obedient to them, and treat them with the utmost respect. So much so, that this right and obligation is termed fard ain(absolutely obligatory for every individual) in Islam. And fard ain means, that no matter how old you are 10-20-50-90 as along as one or both of your parents are alive, you have to be obedient to them! No one can do this on our behalf we have the obligation to do it yourself! This is the high station and the elevated maqaam of parents in Islam.
The question of husband and wifes rights in a marriage is so vast and so varied, that it would require a full book if one was to list all the rights due from the husband to the wife in all circumstances, and the rights due from a wife to the husband. It is almost impossible to list the rights in this small article. Therefore, we will try to give you an overview of the Quranic principles and foundations of the rights and responsibilities that are required by the husband and the wife in an Islamic marriage.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 228: Wives have the same rights as the husbands have on them in accordance with the generally known principles. And men are a degree above them; and above all is Allah, the All Mighty, All Wise.
Islam has given both man and woman certain rights, responsibilities and duties according to their nature. All the financial responsibilities of the household is the responsibility of the man. Even if his wife is a millionaire, she is not required to spend a penny of it on the household, if she does not wish to. It is the responsibility of the man to provide for her food, clothing and shelter according to his means.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34: Men are the managers of the affairs of women because Allah has made the one superior to the other, and because men spend of their wealth on women. Virtuous women are , therefore, obedient (to their husbands); and they guard in his absence what Allah would have them guard (their honor, their property, etc.)
In Islam, each family can be considered a small State, and Allah has appointed the man as the leader of the state, because of certain natural qualities and because they provide for the family from their means. But having been given the position of a leader in Islam does not mean that the man becomes an arrogant and oppressive dictator like the leaders of the world! In Islam, when one is made a leader, his duty is to fear Allah, and serve, protect and maintain harmony in his state, by being a just, benevolent, and a loving servant-leader.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rum verse 21: And of Allahs Sign is that He has created for you wives from your own species, so that you may find peace with them, and (Allah has) created love and mercy between you. Surely in this there are many Signs for those who reflect.
Allah himself says that he has created the relationship of husband and wife, so that we may find peace and tranquility in this relationship. And Allah has put love and mercy between the spouses, in this sacred relationship of marriage. But this love, respect, harmony, peace and tranquility can only be experienced if both the husband and wife fear and obey Allah Subhanah, and give all the rights that are due to their spouses.
It is reported that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said in an authentic narration: The whole world is a provision (from Allah), and the best of the provisions is a righteous wife.
Thus what is required for a peaceful and loving marriage and a good wholesome life, is first and foremost the fear of Allah Subhanah; that one day everyone will have to stand alone in the Court of Allah Subhanah to give a full accounting of all his deeds. Once this God-consciousness and piety is developed in the person, he will always try to obey Allah and thus do all his deeds in the best manner, giving each the rights that are due to them.
Your Question: In this situation I told my husband to stay away from his parents because if he goes to his parents my child will lose her father... Please tell me if I am doing wrong by keeping my husband away from his family so that my child gets a happy and loving family and doesnt lose her father.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 16 Surah Nahl verses 90-91:
90 Allah commands justice, the doing of good and liberality to kith and kin, and He forbids all shameful deeds and injustice and rebellion: He instructs you that ye may receive admonition.
91 Fulfil the covenant of Allah when ye have entered into it and break not your oaths after ye have confirmed them; indeed ye have made Allah your surety; for Allah knoweth all that ye do.
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.17 Narrated by Abu Huraira
The Prophet (saws) said, "The word 'Ar-Rahm (womb) derives its name from Ar-Rahman (i.e., one of the names of Allah) and Allah said: 'I will keep good relation with the one who will keep good relation with you, (womb, i.e. kith and kin) and sever the relation with him who will sever the relation with you, (womb, i.e. kith and kin).
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.160 Narrated by Abu Huraira
The Prophet (saws) said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should serve his guest generously; and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should unite the bond of kinship (i.e. keep good relation with his kith and kin); and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, should talk what is good or keep quiet."
It does not behove a believer, who sincerely fears Allah and the Last Day, that they should advise another to break the blood-relations which Allah has made for them! The one who advises thus would indeed be guilty of a grave sin in the sight of the Lord, and must immediately amend his/her conduct and seek sincere repentance from the Merciful Lord; it is expected that he/she will find her Lord full of Mercy and Forgiveness.
If the husband accepts his wifes (or anybody elses) advice, and indeed breaks relations with his blood-relatives which Allah Subhanah has made for him, he would indeed be guilty of a grave sin in the sight of Allah Subhanah.
Your Statement: Please help this sister in Islam.
Beloved sister, the best way forward is to forgive the past, strive to amend your relations, and show patience; for Allah is with those who show patience. Animosity only begets more animosity, and gives the Shaitaan a window to spill more of his poison into the believers hearts!
If after your sincere trying and striving to create good and cordial relations with your in-laws does not work, you are well within your rights to stay away from them; but under no circumstances, and we repeat, no circumstances, would it be permissible for the wife to advise her husband to break his relationship with his parents! That would indeed be a heinous sin in the sight of the All Mighty Lord of the Worlds.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your Brother in Islam,