Violence with wife
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's
Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
requisting resriction of my id. ur service is very helpful,may
ALLAH BLESS U. PLEASE GUIDE ME, I HAVE A TEMPER PROBLEM WHICH INVOLVES VIOLENCS
ON MY WIFE MANYTIMES OVER 3 1/2YRS SHE IS VERY AFRAID OF ME,SHE IS NOW LIVING
WITH HER PARENTS,I HAVE BEEN REFERD FOR COUNCELLING BY GP,SHE HAS APLIED FOR
COUNCIL HOUSE TO LIVE ON HER OWN, SO SHE CAN LIVE ALONE,SHE WANTS TO GET AWAY
FROM EVERYONE,SHE SAYS SHE DOES NOT WANT ANYONE TO TELL HER WHAT TO DO,HER
PARENTS R NOT ON GOOD TERMS WITH ME,BECAUSE WE GOT MARRIED WITHOUT ANYONES
PERMISSION,WE HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH MY MOTHER,MY WIFE HAS NOT BEEN ALOUD TO GO
TO HER PARENTS BECAUSE MY ELDER BROTHER HAS DIFFERCES WITH THEM,MY INLAWS HAVE
BEEN REQUESTING FOR RESOLVATION WITH HIM,BUT NOT BEEN SUCCESFULL,NOW I AM
COCIDERING GOING TO MY INLAWS TO ASK FOR THEIR FORGIVENESS&HELP TO
RECONSOLE MY WIFE BEFORE SHE MAKES HER MOVE WHICH THEY R NOT AWARE OF.PLEASE
ADVISE ON ADVANTAGES & DISADVANTAGES ON MY WIFE IDEA & HOW TO RECONSOLE
HER&GET MY TRUST BACK WITH MY WIFE.ALSO WHAT I SHOULD SAY TO MY
INLAWS.THANK U.ALLAHAFIZ
(There
may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum
does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from
our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)
Answer:
In the
name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness.
Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray,
none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no
person, no grave, no prophet, no imam,
no dai, nobody!) worthy of
worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His
slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Your
Statement:
May Allah
Subhanah reward you with the best of this world and the Hereafter for your kind
comments of encouragement for our humble efforts in the propagation of the
Truth. If our humble and modest
efforts have helped even one brother or sister get closer to Allah and His Deen
of Truth, then we would consider ourselves indeed fortunate to have been given
this opportunity by the Lord Most Merciful to serve in His Cause. We hope,
beg, and pray the Merciful
Lord accepts our humble and weak
efforts, forgives us our
shortcomings, and saves you, us, and all the believers from the torment of the
Hell Fire. Ameen.
My dear
and beloved brother in Islam, it is indeed good that you recognize your
shortcomings and are ready to seek forgiveness from your loved ones whom you
may have wronged, and the forgiveness of Allah Subhanah. Allah Subhanah indeed loves such of His
believing slaves.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah Ale Imraan verse
135-136: Allah likes such good people very much, who, if ever they commit a base deed or wrong
their own soul by the commission of a sin,
remember Allah instantly, and ask
for forgiveness from Him for their shortcomings. For who,
but Allah, can forgive sins? (And Allah loves those) who do not knowingly
persist in the wrongs they did. These
will be rewarded with forgiveness from Allah,
and with Gardens beneath which canals flow, and they will reside therein forever! How excellent is the reward of those who do
good deeds!
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 6 Surah Anaam verse 54: When
those come to you who believe in Our Signs,
say: "Peace be on you! Your
Lord had inscribed for Himself (the rule of) Mercy. Verily if any of you did evil in
ignorance, and thereafter repented and
amended (his conduct), Lo! He is
Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."
My dear
and beloved brother, indeed if you do have a ‘temper problem’ which resulted in
violence with your wife; then you have indeed wronged her and yourself. All Praise is due to Allah Subhanah Alone,
who has guided you aright and given you the willingness to redress your
problem. You must immediately seek the
forgiveness of the people you have wronged, and implore the Merciful Lord to
have mercy on you and guide you to the Right Path.
In Islam, each family can be considered a small
State, and Allah has appointed the man
as the leader of the state, because of
certain natural qualities and because they provide for the family from their
means. But having been given the
position of a leader in Islam does not mean that the man becomes an arrogant
and oppressive dictator like the leaders of the world! In Islam,
when one is made a leader, his
duty is to fear Allah, and serve,
protect and maintain harmony in his state,
by being a just, benevolent, and
a loving servant-leader.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rum verse 21: And of
Allah’s Sign is that He has created for you wives from your own species, so that you may find peace with
them, and (Allah has) created love
and mercy between you. Surely
in this there are many Signs for those who reflect.
Allah
himself says that he has created the relationship of husband and wife, so that we may find peace and tranquility in
this relationship. And Allah has put
love and mercy between the spouses, in
this sacred relationship of marriage.
But this love, respect, harmony,
peace and tranquility can only be experienced if both the husband and
wife fear and obey Allah Subhanah, and
give all the rights that are due to their spouses.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 19: O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their
will. Nor should ye treat them
with harshness that ye may take away part of the dower ye have given
them except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live
with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that
ye dislike a thing and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.
It is reported that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said in an
authentic narration: ‘The whole world is a provision (from Allah), and the best of the provisions is a righteous
wife.”
Thus,
what is required for a peaceful and loving marriage and a good wholesome
life, is first and foremost the fear of
Allah Subhanah; that one day everyone
will have to stand alone in the Court of Allah Subhanah to give a full
accounting of all his deeds. Once this
God-consciousness and piety is developed in the person, he will always try to obey Allah and thus do
all his deeds in the best manner, giving
each the rights that are due to them.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3252 Narrated
by Aisha ; Abdullah ibn Abbas
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The best of you is he who is
best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3264 Narrated
by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The believers who show the
most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and the best of you
are those who are best to their wives."
Al-Muwatta Hadith 47.12
Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Said ibn
al-Musayyab from Abu Hurayra that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "A
strong person is not the person who throws his adversaries to the ground. A
strong person is the person who contains himself when he is angry."
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4766 Narrated
by Atiyyah as-Sa'di
AbuWa'il al-Qass said: We entered upon Urwah ibn Muhammad ibn
as-Sa'di. A man spoke to him and made him angry. So he stood and performed
ablution; he then returned and performed ablution, and said: My father told me
on the authority of my grandfather Atiyyah who reported the Messenger of Allah
(saws) as saying: ‘Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire,
and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he
should perform ablution.’
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4759 Narrated
by Mu'adh ibn Jabal
The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: ‘if anyone suppresses anger
when he is in a position to give vent to it, Allah, the Exalted, will call him
on the Day of Resurrection over the heads of all creatures, and ask him to
choose any of the bright and large eyed maidens he wishes.’
Similarly,
the wife should fear Allah, control her temper, and not do or say anything
which she knows would instigate or upset her husband.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3258 Narrated
by Mu'adh ibn Jabal
The Prophet (saws) said that no woman annoyed her husband in this
world without his wife among the large-eyed maidens of
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated
by Abu Hurayrah
When Allah's Messenger (saws) was asked which woman was best, he
(saws) replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her,
obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding
her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3255 Narrated
by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "If I were to order anyone to
prostrate himself before another, I should order a woman to prostrate herself
before her husband."
Only if
the wife knew the rewards the Merciful Lord has prepared for her in
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3256 Narrated
by Umm Salamah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Any woman who dies when her
husband is pleased with her will enter paradise."
Thus only
if both parties fear Allah Subhanah, and strive to give the other their rights
will full willingness and with excellence; only then can one enjoy the peace
and tranquility that Allah Subhanah has blessed for those who are united in the
sacred bond of marriage.
Your
Question: ALSO WHAT I SHOULD SAY TO MY INLAWS
Beloved
and dear Brother in Islam, all you can and should do is be extremely humble and
with extreme patience and wisdom seek their forgiveness for your past attitude
and try to convince them that you have repented to Allah Subhanah and will do
everything in your power not to let your anger overcome you again.
If you
are sincere in your repentance, Allah Subhanah will indeed help you and guide
you toward the right path; and it is expected that Allah Subhanah will soften
the hearts of your wife and your in-laws to accept your repentance for the
wrongs done towards them.
But if
your wife or your in-laws feel or fear that the conditions might not improve,
you wife is well within her rights to seek a divorce from you, and there would
be no sin upon her.
May Allah
Subhanah make your trial easy for you, have mercy on you and your family, and
guide you and your family to the path that is straight.
Whatever
written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance,
and whatever of error is of me. Allah
Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your Brother in Islam,
Burhan