Marriage and parents
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
Assalamu alaikum! I am a 20 yr old Muslim female, facing a very overwhelming dilemma in my life and I would appreciate your advice and help in my situation.The man whom I wish to marry and who wishes to marry me is not approved by by my family and especially by my mother.He is 25 yr old Muslim, and Hafiz-ul-Quraan and we are both constant in our Fard daily salaat.We are of the same race and our thinking and plans for the future are also alike.We are also not influenced with the increasing Western culture and this relationship is a first for both of us and we would like it to be the last.My mother was initially very supportive of our relationship and we only proceded with it after gaining her approval and that of his parents who have no complaints against our decision to marry as they want to see him happy.For the past year my mother has turned against our relationship,saying that she has received signs from Allah that we are not meant to be together.Another reason of hers also that we are not of the same "caste" and she has begun to mock at his facial appearance (ie.he has a beard, his lips are too large etc.) I have constantly prayed to Allah for guidance in this matter and each time I receive a positive response, however my mother also prays and according to her she receives a response contradictory to mine.We do not wish to hurt my mother nor any member of my family, nor do we wish to go against Allah's Will.Therefore we both understand that we need the blessings of our elders.I would like to know if Islam demands that we stifle our own feelings no matter how good our intentions just to satisfy our elders no matter how wrong their thoughts? Do our decisions hold no value?Is it said by Allah that our parents decisions are always right? Can they never make mistakes, are they never wrong? He is prepared to do his duty towards me as a husband and wants to take care of my mother like a son and I would like to take care of my mother and do my duty as a daughter, wife and daughter-in-law.I would also like to know if a parent is given the right by Allah to deny a child their blessings if we disagree on a certain point?Also bear in mind that my mother was encouraging of our relationship but recently changed her mind saying that she was given signs.Which one of us is being rightly guided by Allah and which one is not? How do we know? I (we) have also many times mutually decided to accept my mother's decision as we are aware of a mother's status in Islam but it is extremely difficult to put a bond as ours aside so easily.I am now in this dilemma of hurting one of the two most important people in my life.Why do I have to hurt one of them?Is there a solution to my problem?How do I proceed from here?
Your advice would be very appreciated
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In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3090 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.'
Islam guides that neither the parents must unduly coerce or force their girls to marry someone she is not willing to marry, nor should their children force their marriage upon their parents; but rather make this sacred bond of marriage an amicable affair between all parties concerned.
Dear and beloved sister in Islam, the conditions described by you are indeed a severe trial from your Lord for you, whereby it seems that one amongst the two most loved by you would stand to be hurt. Although Islam has granted your parents a much bigger right upon you than the person you love and wish to marry; they must fear Allah Subhanah and not try to put a burden on their children more than they can bear.
Under the circumstances, your duty is to fear Allah Subhanah, keep your full trust in Him, and remain constant in your remembrance and supplication to Him to make this trial of your life easy for you. Beloved and dear sister in Islam, you must practice extreme patience and with wisdom and with humility try to talk to your mother and seek her approval for your marriage with the man you love. If that does not work, try involving someone whom your mother trusts and loves, like her brother or sister or her close friend, and request them to convince your mother to accede to your request. And above all, keep your full trust in Allah Subhanah and beseech Him Alone in all humility and hope He provides for you what is best for your deen, for your life in this world and for your life in the Hereafter.
You must also remember that there is no better well-wisher in this whole world than your own parents, and you must listen attentively to all that they say. Maybe your mother has heard something about the man which you do not know or realize, and that is why she might have changed her mind after her initial acceptance. Or maybe what she has heard or fears might not be true at all. It is your duty and behoving of a righteous child that you listen to all her concerns with full attention and humility, and if she has valid reasons or fears which she thinks might hurt your future; you should accede to her instructions. But if her fears are based on some unseen signs she says she has received, or because the man happens to be from a different race or caste, etc., these would obviously be considered frivolous reasons. Whatever the condition, it is your duty and the command of Allah Subhanah and His Messenger (saws) that you remain obedient and humble to them, and never ever rebuke them or speak harsh words towards them. You must practice extreme patience and humility when dealing with them, and if Allah Subhanah Wills and Pleases, He will make your trial easy for you and provide for you from His Unending Bounty and Grace.
If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can be assured of being led astray.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your Brother in Islam,