There is some confusion in my mind for about women role in different matters
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa
Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked
this question:
Assalam
a likum!
Hope
you find this email in good health . Brother , I am married since 3 years
Allhamdulliah .There is some confusion in my mind for about women role in
different matters Please tell me if husband is more diverted to his mother than
wife and always in mind that his mother is right? What should husband do
,keeping a good relation with both mother and wife ?What is a women role being
a good daughter in law according to quran ,is duaghter in law scarifized always
to make mother in law happy ? Is scarification is to kill inner human being and
say yes mam always ? Is being a woemn there is no place to show our feelings of
what we need ? In short ,what is the women role being a mother ,wife and
daughter .Please clarify me in detail as I think that Kill inner feelings is
the role model for being a good women in every relation
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Answer:
Role of wife mother in law
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask
for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever
He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that
there is no one (no idol, no person, no
grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai,
nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that
Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Your Question:
Please tell me if husband is more diverted to his mother than wife and always
in mind that his mother is right?
Allah says in the Holy
Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:
Your
Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him
Alone! Treat your parents with great
kindness; if either or both of them
attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them;
nor rebuke them; but speak to
them kind words. Treat them with
humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord,
be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and
affection in my childhood.”
After
the rights due to Allah Subhanah, in Islam the biggest rights in all mankind is
due to one’s parents. And after the
rights of parents, is the rights of near relatives, far relatives, muslims, neighbors, etc. In Islam, the law is that one must give all
the rights due to each, without effecting the rights of others.
For
instance, one cannot take away the right due to one’s parents, and give them to
our wives and children. Neither can one
take away the rights of the wives and children and give them to his
parents. There should be a proper
balance, and a muslim, who indeed fears Allah and the Last Day, should give
each party its rights without effecting the rights of the other. Conversely, neither should a parent demand
that their son take the rights due to his wife and give it to them; and neither
should the wife demand that her husband take the rights that are due to his
parents and give them to her!
Dear and beloved sister, such is the importance and
significance Islam has laid upon the service of one’s parents…that the relation
of the off-spring with their parents will determine whether one enters
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas
The Prophet (saws) was asked about the ‘Grave
Sins’, and He (saws) replied, "They are:--
(1 ) To join others in worship with Allah,
(2) To be undutiful to one's parents,
(3) To kill a person (which Allah has
forbidden to kill)
(4) And to give a false witness."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated byAbu Umamah
A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws)
what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or
your relation with them will determine) your
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3653 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr
The Prophet (saws) said, "An
undutiful son, a gambler, one who casts up what he has given, and one
who is addicted to wine will not enter
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3655 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "There
are three people to whom Allah has forbidden
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4933 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "He who
casts up the favours he has done, he who is disobedient to parents,
and he who is addicted to wine will not enter
Sahih Muslim Hadith 6189 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘Let him be
humbled into dust! Let him be humbled
into dust!’ It was said: ‘O Allah's
Messenger (saws), who is he?” He (saws)
said: ‘He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both
of them, but he does not enter
The wife today will tomorrow be a mother…..Would the wife
not like that one day when she is old, her own children treat her with the
utmost respect, and honor, and kindness, and tenderness…..and give her more
preference and importance than everyone else???
Your Question: What
should husband do ,keeping a good relation with both mother and wife ?
The absolute best thing a pious and God-fearing husband
can and should do is to fear Allah His Lord, and make sure he gives every
single right due to his parents without effecting the rights due to his
wife….and give every single right due to his wife, without effecting the right
due to his parents.
The parents and the wife too must fear Allah, be
reasonable, and not demand of the person they both love to steal another’s
rights and give it to them!
If the situation is absolutely unbearable, and Allah
forbid, the person is put in a situation whereby he has to choose between his
parents and his wife….then Islam guides that the person always choose his
parents above anything and everything else…..
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928 Narrated by Abud Darda
When a man came to him and said, "I have
a wife whom my mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he
had heard Allah's Messenger (saws) say, "A parent is the best of the gates
of Paradise; so if you wish, keep to the gate, or lose it!"
As long as the rights of the wife are not blatantly and
openly abused and usurped by her husband, she must realize and accept that the
first and prime loyalty of her husband will and should always remain with the
service of his parents.
Your Question: What
is a women role being a good daughter in law according to quran
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah
Nisaa verse 34:
34 Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has
given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their
means. Therefore the righteous women
are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would
have them guard (their modesty and chastity, the honor and property of
their husband, etc.)
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If a woman dies
while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
When Allah's Messenger (saws) was asked which
woman was best he replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he
looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his
wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he
disapproves."
In light of the guidance of the Quran and the Sunnah, the
wife has absolutely no duty and responsibility laid upon her by Islam towards
her husband’s family or ‘in-laws’, including the husband’s parents, brothers,
sisters, uncles, aunts, etc. The
responsibility and duty that Islam has laid upon the believing wife is only
towards making sure that her husband is pleased and satisfied with her in every
aspect of her life!
Thus, in essence, if a believing woman worships Allah
Subhanah as He Alone deserves to be worshipped, preserves her chastity, and
strives to the best of her ability to please her husband, the Messenger of
Allah (saws) declared that she will be given the honor to enter the
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3254 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "When a
woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her
chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of
Having said that she has absolutely no responsibility
towards her husband’s family, does not in any way mean or imply that she is
allowed to be rude, or disrespectful, or dishonor them in any way. She must at all times strive to develop good
cordial relations with her in-laws.
But if the believing woman does, of her own free will,
serve the parents or family of her husband, she would be doing a deed of
‘ehsaan’, a deed which would be over and above her duties and responsibilities;
and Allah Subhanah has time and again declared in the Glorious Quran that He
absolutely loves those believers who do ‘ehsaan’ or deeds which are over and
above their role of duty and responsibility.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah
Ale-Imraan verse 134 (part):
134 …. for Allah loves the ‘muhsineen’ (those who do deeds over and
above their call of duty).
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah
Ale-Imraan verse 148:
148 And Allah gave them a reward in this world and the excellent reward
of the Hereafter. For Allah loves the
‘muhsineen’ (those who do deeds over and above their call of duty).
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah
Baqarah verse 195 (part):
195 … and do ‘ehsaan’; for Allah loves the ‘muhsineen’ (those who do
deeds over and above their call of duty).
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 5 Surah
Maidah verse 93 (part):
93 ….. For Allah loves the
‘muhsineen’ (those who do deeds over and above their call of duty).
Your Question: is
duaghter in law scarifized always to make mother in law happy ?
If all three parties in the equation, the husband, the
wife, and the husband’s mother, all fear Allah, and each give the rights due to
the other parties in full without effecting the rights of another….it would
lead to a peaceful and harmonious environment in the family.
It is the husband who is ‘sandwiched’ between his love and
duty towards his parents and his natural love towards his wife….and how he
handles both these duties is the trial the Lord Most High has laid upon
him. If one is fortunate enough to
strike the right balance, he would not be in a situation whereby he can only
make only one party…his mother or his wife….happy.
But if Allah forbid, a husband is put or forced into a
situation whereby he has to choose his loyalty between his parents and any
other party (including his own)…then Islam guides that piety and righteousness
dictates that the parents happiness is given priority over their own or any
other’s happiness.
If the wife truly fears Allah and sincerely loves her
husband, she will make sure that her beloved husband is never put in such a
situation whereby he is made to choose between his parents and his wife. If only the wife can bring herself to
understand that a daughter-in-law today will become a mother-in-law
tomorrow….and how hurt she as a mother would be if her son whom she gave birth
and sacrificed so much from his infancy to his youth, were to choose his wife’s
happiness over her happiness…she would maybe, just maybe, comprehend the trial
of her husband.
Your Question: Is
scarification is to kill inner human being and say yes mam always ?
More than the wife, it is the husband who is commanded by
His Lord Creator to say to his mother: ‘yes mam’ ALWAYS!!!!! The only time the husband has the right to
say ‘No mam’ to his mother, is if she commands him to associate another god
with Allah Subhanah!!!!!
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah
Luqman verses 14-15:
14 And We (Allah) have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in
travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his
weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me (Allah) and to thy
parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.”
15 "But if they strive to make thee join in worship with Me things
of which thou hast no knowledge obey them not; Yet bear them company in this
life with justice (and consideration) and follow the way of those who turn to
Me (in love): in the End the return of you all is to Me and I will tell you the
truth (and meaning) of all that ye did."
The wife today will be a mother tomorrow; would she not
expect that her own off-spring show her the same unconditional respect, and
mercy, and kindness, and tenderness when she is old?
Your Question: Is
being a women there is no place to show our feelings of what we need ?
A woman has every right in Islam to display and even
demand that her every lawful right and feeling and want and need be honored….first
by her father, then by her husband, and then by her children! And it is the duty of the righteous and
God-fearing father, and husband and children that every lawful right and need
of their loved ones be fulfilled to the best of their ability.
Your Question: In
short ,what is the women role being a mother ,wife and daughter .Please clarify
me in detail as I think that Kill inner feelings is the role model for being a
good women in every relation
The very nature bestowed by the Lord Most Merciful upon
the mother (be it amongst humans or even animals!) is of such unconditional
natural love and mercy….that a mother considers no sacrifice big enough for her
off-spring!
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah
Luqman verse 14:
14 And We (Allah) have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in
travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his
weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me (Allah) and to
thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.”
If amongst the human race there were a symbol of
self-sacrifice, none would even dare to challenge the spirit of self-sacrifice
of a mother! Every drop of blood that runs in a human body is a result of that
un-repayable loan of those life-giving sips of milk sucked in infancy from a
weaning mother!
Islam has recognized and honored this natural and
un-comparable self-sacrificing spirit of the mother…and for no short measure
has the Lord Most Merciful Commanded the believers to show unconditional
respect, love, and honor to their parents…especially one’s mother!
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 5120 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Hayadah
I asked: ‘O Messenger of Allah(saws)! To whom
should I show kindness most?’ He (saws)
replied: ‘Your mother.’ I asked (again):
‘Who next?’. He (saws) replied: ‘Your mother!’.
I asked: ‘Who next?’ He (saws)
replied: ‘Your mother!’ I asked again:
‘Who next?’ and he (saws) replied: ‘Your father, and then your relatives in
order of relationship.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4939 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Jahimah
Jahimah came to the Prophet (saws) and said,
"Messenger of Allah (saws), I desire to go on a military expedition and I
have come to consult you. He (saws)
asked him if he had a mother, and when he replied that he had, he (saws) said,
"Stay with her, for
A righteous daughter in Islam is one who is pious,
God-fearing, and obedient to her parents.
And a righteous wife in the Sight of Allah is one who is
pious, God-fearing, and devoutly obedient to her husband.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah
Nisaa verse 34:
34 Men are the
protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more than
the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are
devoutly obedient (to their husbands), and guard in (the husband's)
absence what Allah would have them guard (their chastity, their husband’s
honor, their husband’s property, etc.)
Your Statement:
Please clarify me in detail as I think that Kill inner feelings is the role
model for being a good women in every relation
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 79 Surah
Naziat verses 34-41:
34 Therefore when there comes the Great Overwhelming (Event, The Day of
Judgment!)
35 The Day when man shall remember (all)
that he strove for
36 And Hell-Fire shall be placed in full
view for (all) to see
37 Then for such as had transgressed all
bounds
38 And had preferred the life of this world
39 The Abode will be Hell-Fire;
40 And for such as had entertained the fear of standing before their Lord's
(Tribunal), and had restrained (their) ‘nafs’ from lower desires
41 Their abode will be the Garden.
My dear and beloved sister, the restraining of the ‘nafs’
or desires or inner feelings is not only the role model for being a good
woman….Allah is our witness sister, this restraining of one’s ‘nafs’ or lower
desires is a virtue that will undoubtedly lead those who believe and fear Allah
to the Gates of those Promised Eternal and Everlasting Gardens of Paradise!
My dear and beloved sister in Islam, a deed that does not
imbed self-sacrifice or does not connote restraining one’s ‘nafs’ or inner
feelings can never be considered a good deed in the Sight of Allah
Subhanah!
- Only
those who sacrifice their inner-feelings and the temptations the world has
to offer, can make themselves available for every prayer on time!
- Only
those who sacrifice their inner-feelings for food and drink can observe
fasts for their Lord!
- Only
those who sacrifice their inner-feelings to accumulate wealth and material
things can spend in charity!
- Only
those who sacrifice their inner-feelings to live can participate in Jihad!
- Only
those who sacrifice their inner-feelings can remain constant in the duty
and obedience of their parents!
- Only
those who can restrain their inner-feelings of unlawful lust can remain
chaste!
Thus my beloved sister, in conclusion if a deed does not
involve self-sacrifice or the restraining of ones lower desires or
inner-feelings, rest assured that that deed can never be considered a good deed
in the Sight of Allah Subhanah. And
beloved sister, we assure you in light of the Guidance of the Holy Quran, that
one who does not possess this quality and virtue of restraining one’s ‘nafs’
from lower desires can never attain the Promised Gardens of Paradise in the
Hereafter!
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to
Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only
Source of Strength.
Your brother and
well wisher in Islam,
Burhan
Wister