Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Please could you not print this on the internet. I would be most grateful if you could keep this private and email me instead.

I desperatly need some sort of guidance. I`ve searched through the Qur`an and various islamic books but nothing seems to offer a solution. I had my nikkah done about 5 months ago secretly because i didn`t want to commit any sin. A month later both me and my husband decided to tell our parents. His parents were very undestanding whereas i only told my mother as my father was abroad at the time. My mother is very upset by the whole situation but particularly because he is from a lower caste and fears what people will say when they learn about what has happened. My parents are also having marriage problems of their own so breaking this news to my father might seriously effect their marriage as well.

At the same time my husband and his family are growing increasingly impatient and want me to tell my father ASAP. I want to know what will be the best approach? Should his parents come round and tell my father or should i tell him first?

I would be very grateful if you could offer me some sort of guidance as everyone is very upset by the whole situation and it has been going on for months now without any solution. 

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Secret marriage

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Beloved sister in Islam, Islam guides that one take the guidance and consent of their parents before two people agree to marry. Now that you have not followed the sequence of affairs, and seeking an Islamic solution to put things right; it is just like asking someone what to do ‘after’ the milk has been spilt!

Your Question: I want to know what will be the best approach? Should his parents come round and tell my father or should i tell him first?
In our humble opinion, it would be best if you could first, with absolute politeness and humility, talk to the parents of the boy and prepare them for the worst reaction from your father, and humbly request them to help you out in this situation, and break the news to your father in private. It is only natural, and should be expected that your father will be shocked at the news of his daughter being already married; but, if Allah Wills and has Mercy, he will finally accept it in due time.

In our humble opinion, you should not try and swell the matter any further by arguing with your father, or trying to defend the error you have made in ignorance. No matter how angry he gets, and no matter what he says, you must realize that he loves you and is probably your best well-wisher on this planet earth! Thus bear with patience whatever he says, and humbly beg him to forgive you your shortcoming; and Insha Allah, the love and mercy for his beloved daughter will overcome his anger, and he will be able to accept the situation as it stands.

May Allah Subhanah make your trial easy for you, and give your father the patience and understanding to accept the situation.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your Brother in Islam,

Burhan