Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Salaams Brother,

I would like to know the rights of parents when it comes to deciding who we marry. I'm a mislim from Sri Lanka and come from a sect called Moors, which is a sect originated from a mixture of Indian muslims and Arab muslims (a combination as a result of Indians settling in Sri Lanka and Arab traders marrying in to these sri lankan families decades, even centuries ago). We are sunni muslims. I have known this girl from another sect in Sri Lanka called Malays. These are also sunni muslims and originate from people from Malaysia settling down in Sri Lanka a long time ago. Historically these sects have married within their ownpeople and have not got along but not things are changing. But my parents are of the view that we should not marry to these sects.

I have 2 questions brother,

the first is; As I feel the abovementioned is unreasonable, do I have the rights to go ahead with a marriage to this girl without the permission of my perents or am I bound to their approval/ consent?

I know that there is a hadeeth where the prophet (SAL) has said that when marrying a woman we need to only look at her character and her Imaan. However my parents priorotise other things above these like;

1. Family background (which I too beleive is important)

2. Where she lives, i.e. the neigbourhood she comes from

3. What her parents do for a living

4. And this sect division, which is just a historical barrier. This si not as complicated as a Sunni and Shai situation as we both are Sunni muslims.

So therefore my second question is are these concerns of my parents valid according to Islaam and if not, and as I feel, some of them are not islamic, do I have the right to not consider these when chosing my future wife?

I look forward to your learnered advice.

With kind Regards and Allah's blessings.

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Parents refusal to marriage

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Your Question: are these concerns of my parents valid according to Islaam and if not, and as I feel, some of them are not islamic, do I have the right to not consider these when chosing my future wife?

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.27 Narrated by Abu Huraira

The Prophet (saws) said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser."

Respected brother, it is only natural that one seeks to marry a woman one would at least look at the family or lineage of the woman, the place or area she originates from, what her parents do for a living, etc. It is not as if it is prohibited or discouraged in Islam to look into and satisfy oneself with such basic investigations before one agrees to marry a particular woman….but what Islam guides and encourages is that above all matters one give absolute importance and significance to the practice of religion of the woman.

If one has a choice between marrying one of two women…..one is extremely wealthy, and/or whose family background or lineage is immaculate, and/or is bestowed with overwhelming beauty, but her practice of religion is suspect…..and the other is average or even below par in the other departments, but her piety and her practice of religion is evident; then the believer who sincerely fears Allah and the Last Day should give preference to and choose to marry the woman who is pious.

Your Question: ….As I feel the abovementioned is unreasonable, do I have the rights to go ahead with a marriage to this girl without the permission of my perents or am I bound to their approval/ consent?

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 25 Surah Furqaan verse 54:

54 It is He Who has created man from water: then has He established relationships through blood and (through) marriage: for thy Lord has Power (over all things).

Islam guides that a marriage is not merely a union of two people who love each other, but rather a sacred union that unites two whole families….thus if one is faced with a situation whereby their son is so in ‘love’ with an eligible girl (believer, chaste, etc.) and the parents of the boy are satisfied with the character and the practice of religion of the girl…..they should accede with the choice and request of their son.

Although the consent of the boy’s parents is not an obligatory condition of a marriage in Islam, it would only be piety and righteousness on the part of the son to make sure that he has the approval and consent of his parents before he marries the girl. If for any reason one finds that their parents are just not willing to consent to their choice, it would be better to marry another girl whom the boy and the parents both approve of….for marriage in Islam is but a ‘Sunnah’ (voluntary), but to obey and be dutiful to the lawful commands of one’s parents is ‘Fard-ayn’ or absolutely obligatory upon every believer who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated byAbu Umamah

A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws) what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise and your Hell!"

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas

The Prophet (saws) was asked about the ‘Grave Sins’, and He (saws) replied, "They are:--

(1 ) To join others in worship with Allah,

(2) To be undutiful to one's parents,

(3) To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill)

(4) And to give a false witness."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928 Narrated by Abud Darda

When a man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he had heard Allah's Messenger (saws) say, "A parent is the best of the gates of Paradise; so if you wish, keep to the gate, or lose it."

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 216:

216 ……But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah Knows and ye know not.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan