How to deal with upset parents.
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
(May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked
this question:
Aslam
Walakum
Dear
Brother I have got
now
they have kept a condition in front of me that if i want to speak to them i
have to leave my wife and my small kid who is not even 1 year old. i even told
them i am sorry for what i have done but their condition is the same.i dont
know what to do. i am in a complete messed up sitiuation.some times i feel like
just ending my life because i cannot take the tension any more. i am really
tensed up and i always keep thinking that what will happen next i
even tend to get furtrated.
i also
want to ask you its my fathers birthday on the 30th of Jan. should i call up to
wish him but if i call up my father will not speak and even if he speak
to me he will keep the condition in front of me.
I NEED
YOUR HELP DESPARTELY.
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Answer:
How to deal with
upset parents
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His
help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide,
and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear
witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear
witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His
Messengers.
Dear and beloved brother in Islam, one cannot
over-emphasize the importance and significance of serving and being dutiful
unto one’s parents in Islam, especially when they have been blessed by the Lord
to attain old age.
Allah says in the Holy
Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:
Your
Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him
Alone! Treat your parents with
great kindness; if either or both of
them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and
pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them,
just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah
Luqman verse 14:
14 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain
was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy
parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 46 Surah
Ahqaaf verses 15-16:
15 We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: in pain did his
mother bear him and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child)
to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months.
At length when he reaches the age of full strength and attains forty
years he says "O my Lord! grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favor
which Thou hast bestowed upon me and upon both my parents and that I may work
righteousness such as Thou mayest approve; and be gracious to me in my
issue. Truly have I turned to Thee and
truly do I bow (to Thee) in Islam."
16 Such are they from whom We shall accept the best of their deeds and
pass by their ill deeds: (they shall be) among the Companions of the Garden: a
promise of truth which was made to them (in this life).
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah
Baqarah verse 215:
215 They ask thee what they should spend (in charity). Say: ‘Whatever ye spend that is good is
for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for
wayfarers. And whatever ye do that is
good Allah knoweth it well.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah
A man said, "O Messenger of Allah
(saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or
your relation with them will determine) your
Sahih Muslim Hadith 6189 Narrated
by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘Let him be
humbled into dust! Let him be humbled
into dust!’ It was said: ‘O Allah's Messenger (saws), who is he?’ He (saws) said: ‘He who sees either of
his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 5120 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Hayadah
I asked: ‘O Messenger of Allah(saws)! To whom
should I show kindness most?’ He (saws)
replied: ‘Your mother.’ I asked (again):
‘Who next?’. He (saws) replied: ‘Your mother!’.
I asked: ‘Who next?’ He (saws)
replied: ‘Your mother!’ I asked again:
‘Who next?’ and he (saws) replied: ‘Your father, and then your relatives in
order of relationship.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4939 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Jahimah
Jahimah came to the Prophet (saws) and said,
"Messenger of Allah (saws), I desire to go on a military expedition and I
have come to consult you. He (saws)
asked him if he had a mother, and when he replied that he had, he (saws) said,
"Stay with her, for
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.18 Narrated by Aisha
The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its
name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So
whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will
keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his bonds
of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him!"
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Shall I
inform you of the biggest of the Great Sins?" They said, "Yes, O
Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in
worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 1.505 Narrated by Abdullah
I asked the Prophet (saws): "Which deed
is the dearest to Allah?" He (saws) replied, "To offer the prayers at
their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is the next (in
goodness)?" He (saws) replied, "To be good and dutiful to your
parents." I again asked, "What is the next (in
goodness)?" He (saws) replied, "To participate in Jihad (religious
fighting) in Allah's cause."
'Abdullah added, "I asked only that much and if I had asked more,
the Prophet (saws) would have told me more."
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 4.248 Narrated byAbdullah bin Amr
A man came to the Prophet asking his permission to take part in Jihad.
The Prophet asked him, "Are your parents alive?" He replied in the
affirmative. The Prophet said to him, "Then exert yourself in their
service."
Your
Question:…i also want to ask you its my fathers birthday on the 30th of Jan.
should i call up to wish him but if i call up my father will not speak
and even if he speak to me he will keep the condition in front of me.
Allah Says in the Holy
Quran Chapter 13 Surah Ar-Raad verse 25:
As for those who break
their covenant with Allah after confirming it, who cut asunder
relationships which Allah has bidden to be joined, and spread chaos on
the earth, their’s shall be the curse,
and they shall have a wretched abode in the Hereafter.
Allah Says in the Holy
Quran Chapter 2 Surah Bakarah verse 27:
And He leads astray
only those who disobey Allah, who break
Allah’s covenant after ratifying it, who cut asunder relationships what
Allah has ordered to be joined, and who produce chaos on the
Earth. These are indeed the people who
are the losers.
Sahih Al-Bukhari
Hadith 8.17 Narrated by Abu Huraira
The Prophet (saws)
said, "The word 'Ar-Rahm (womb) derives its name from Ar-Rahman (i.e., one
of the names of Allah) and Allah said: 'I will keep good relation with the one
who will keep good relation with you (the womb, i.e. kith and kin), and sever
the relation with him who will sever the relation with you (the womb, i.e. kith
and kin).
Sahih Al-Bukhari
Hadith 8.15 Narrated by Anas bin Malik
Allah 's Messenger
(saws) said, "Whoever loves that he be granted more wealth and that his
lease of life be prolonged, then he should keep good relations with his kith
and kin."
My dear and respected brother, regardless of whatever you
might have done in your past to gain the displeasure of your parents, under
absolutely no circumstances would it be lawful for you or them to break the
ties of blood relationship which Allah Subhanah Himself has created.
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.20 Narrated by Abdullah bin Amr
The Prophet (saws) said, "’Al-Wasil’
(the one who does good to his relatives) is not he who recompenses the good
done to him by his relatives, but ‘Al-Wasil’ is he who keeps good relations
with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him."
Respected brother, you do not have to wait for an occasion
to call, contact, and strive your absolute utmost to serve your parents. If you find that your parents are still upset
at your deeds of the past and refuse to talk to you or meet you….or in their
state of displeasure they choose to abuse or revile you….you remain absolutely
patient and speak to them in utmost humility and kindness and tenderness. If they refuse to take your call, call them
again the next day, and again the next day, and again the next day…and continue
to seek their forgiveness until you break their resolve to sever their
relationship with you…..that would be akin to piety and righteousness on your
part in the Sight of your Lord.
If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and
commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws),
one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any
other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be
assured of being led astray.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only
due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me
alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is
the Only Source of Strength.
Your brother and
well wisher in Islam,
Burhan
Wister