Parent children conflict in marriage
Mu'
meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam
Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and
Blessings be upon all of you)
One
of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:
Asalamu
alaikum wr wb,
I am
responding to the answers for marriage and parents. I have been reading your questions
and answers for several months now, and I have never felt the need to write til
now. I highly disagree with your answers about following what the parents say
in regards to not marrying someone who they don`t approve of. Its hard to
understand why you (Burhan) think that its ok for parents to dictate something
that is not islamic for thier children to do, and without groaning or moaning
we should follow it. It is NOT Islamic for the parents to withhold a child from
marrying whom he chooses, which is an act of Sunnah as you say, just becuz the
parents dont want that child to marry outside the culture or tribe. The parents
are wrong in this case, becuz as we know, Islam does not recognise nationalism.
And refusing to let your child marry someone from a different race or culture
would be termed as a nationalistic stance.
Furthermore,
by the parents refusing to accept his sons or daughters marriage, that could
result in pushing their child towards something that is haraam (meaning illicit
sex). Perhaps you can explain why you feel its alright for the parents to
demand something of a child that is not within the bounds of Islam, and why it
is that the child HAS to obey the parents regardless. A child who wants to
break free from culture, and wants to marry someone he chooses to marry and
live a life of Islam, by refusing to participate or add to the sin of
nationalism... how can this possibly be wrong? I think its best not to generalise,
and particularily if you dont have a lot of knowledge of how culturally
inclined people (muslims) can be in the UK, and how far from Islam ALOT of so
called muslims are...yet, as children we are commanded to obey our parents?? It
doesnt make sense what you are saying. Remember please, that you have put
yourself in a position where the words and advice you give, you will be held
accountable for. I suggest for your own protection on the Day of Judgement,
that you do a bit of in depth research of the problems of the ummah in the
(There may be some
grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not
change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our
readers for circulation in confidentiality.)
Answer:
Parent children
conflict in marriage
In the name of
Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever
Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can
guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam,
no dai, nobody!) worthy of
worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His
slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Dear and Beloved
Sister in Islam, Allah has made the deen or ‘way of life’ called Islam vast and
full of mercy. You have absolutely every
right to disagree with any or all of our opinions; but it would not behove or
befit a believer, who sincerely fears Allah and the Last Day, that they have an
opinion after Allah and His Messenger have given their decision in the matter.
Allah says
in the Holy Quran Chapter 33 Surah Ahzaab verse 36: It does not behove a
believing man and a believing woman that when Allah and His Messenger have
given their decision in a matter, they
should exercise an option in that matter of theirs. For whoever disobeys Allah and His
Messenger, has indeed strayed into
manifest error.
And the matter
regarding the obedience of parents is made absolutely clear by Allah and His
Messenger (saws) in the Quran and the Sunnah.
Allah says
in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24: Your Lord has
enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great
kindness; if either or both of them
attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them;
nor rebuke them; but speak to
them kind words. Treat them with
humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me
up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”
Allah Says
in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verses 14-15:
14 And We have enjoined on man (to be
good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in
years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and
to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.
15 But if they strive to make thee
join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them
not; Yet bear them company in this life with justice (and
consideration) and follow the way of those who turn to Me (in love): in the End
the return of you all is to Me and I will tell you the truth of all that ye
did."
The only exception
Islam allows for the disobedience of parents, is if the parents command their
children to worship other gods with Allah Subhanah! Other than their this command, it is
absolutely obligatory upon the children to obey and respect and honor every
wish of their parents, if they sincerely wish to obey and follow the commands
of Allah and His Messenger (saws).
Al-Tirmidhi
Hadith 4928 Narrated by Abud Darda
When a
man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my mother commands me to
divorce," he replied to him that he had heard Allah's Messenger (saws)
say, "A parent is the best of the gates of Paradise; so if you wish,
keep to the gate, or lose it."
Dear and Beloved
Sister in Islam, the above commands are amongst the clear guidance of Allah and
His Messenger (saws) regarding the obedience of parents; and it does not behove
a believer who fears Allah and the Last Day, to disobey or disregard any
command of the Quran or Sunnah, regardless of his personal preferences or
choices.
My dear and beloved
Sister in Islam, it is indeed unfortunate that this conflict of choosing a
partner in marriage between the child and the parents is widespread in today’s
modern-educated but ignorant and un-godly world! You must remember and understand that most of
the questions posted to us on the forum are from the children who have a
conflict with their parents regarding the choice in marriage, and they always
ask ‘what should they do in these circumstances’. It is our duty as their brothers and sincere
well-wishers in Islam to guide them to the Truth of what is declared in the
Quran and the Sunnah regarding their obedience to their parents.
If any parent were
to ask us what should they should do when they have a conflict with their
children’s choice in marriage, we would advice the parents from the Quran and
Sunnah to overlook the petty and frivolous conditions of race, color, wealth,
nationality, tribe, looks, etc.; which have absolutely no basis in the deen of
Truth called Islam. We would definitely
advice them to take their children’s choice into serious consideration, and if
their choice was not against any of the commandments of Allah and His Messenger
(saws), they should try to compromise and strive to accede to their children’s
genuine request.
But as is the case,
it is almost always the children who pose the question regarding the conflict;
and ask what do Allah and His Messenger (saws) command them to do in such
situations! If the parents were to pose
the question, the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws) for them would be
to overlook the petty and frivolous objections in the name of tribes or race or
color, and strive to strike a compromise with the choice of their children if
it does directly violate any of the commands of Islam.
Islam is a religion
which encourages self-control and self-sacrifice, rather than imposing their
opinion on what others should do! Every
single decision in the life of the child, from which hospital the child is
born, to which school he attends, to which clothes he wears, to which language
he speaks, to which food he eats, etc. from his birth to adolescence is made
for the child by his parents. But when a
child wishes to make one of the most important decisions of his life when
choosing a partner in marriage, he does not even think it is important to give
consideration to the opinion of his parents!
All Islam commands when deciding on marriage is that the parents and the
child give importance to each others likes and dislikes, and give due
consideration to all parties and reach an agreement in consensus. Now ask yourself this question as we ask
ourselves: ‘Is that too much to ask?’ !!!
If one trusts, obeys,
and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger
(saws), he can be assured of never ever
being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger
(saws), he can be assured of being led
astray.
Whatever written of
Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever
of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows
Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your
Brother in Islam,
Burhan
Wister