Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

i m reluctantly sendin you on this add as when I tried to send this qs thru ur website, an error occured. Pls read this qs and reply me asap. My destiny is in ur hands....

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Salam.

I am in desperate need of your advice. I am a 19 yr old girl and have been engaged to my cousin who is 24.I would be getting married to him within 3 years.

The problem is that we really love each other a lot and fear crossing the limits. We want to do Nikah but my dad wouldn't approve it. So we have decided to have nikah without telling him (my mom would know about it) at the earliest. I don't know what to think, I am so confused. I know I am not doing something wrong as we are mature and it's not only our decision but our parents as well (but of course they don't know we intend getting nikah before marriage). Pls ans this as well as the above qs accordingly:

Q-1: Who would be the Wali? My father will not be present there, neither my mom. So whom should we make our Wali? Pls keep this mind that this Nikah is just for us, for our satisfaction that we would not do anything that is forbidden, as then our relationship would be legal.  This Nikah is being done because we don't want to do something physical illegally (as we have done things in the past which we deeply regret and have promised not to commit that mistake again). We will not be telling about this nikah to anyone except his friends who would be the witnesses. I don't understand what to do? We would either have Nikah through phone or Internet, or through court marriage. Which one do your suggest?

Q-2: - Another thing that is bothering me is the mehr. Usually the bride's father decides the mehr. In my case, I don't know whom to turn to? My dad once told me that he would take 2-3 months of my fiance's salary. Is it possible that our Nikah is done without mehr (we can decide that on RUKHSATI- the day the bride officially leaves her house?)? I have another qs related to this. Why has Islam asked the father of the bride to decide mehr? The mehr is for the bride and will be used by only her, so why isn't there any involvement of her will in this regard? Why doesn't a father discuss this with the bride?

Q-3: Now the qs that really depresses me. My fiance is in the same city where I live, so u can imagine how hard it is for both of us to resist. My and his family would never be aware of it except his friends and my mom, so basically people would think I am engaged to him, when in fact he would be my husband. So Is it possible for us to have nikah 2 times? Presently, I want to have this nikah secretly, so on the marriage day (which is after 3 yrs), is it possible that just to show that we are officially getting married THAT DAY(for the first time, like any other couple), we sign separate nikah papers (starting it all over again)? Then again, this means we signed our names, had nikah 2 times! Is it acceptable in Islam to go through the procedure again? If not, then we would have to disclose this secret to our and his parents before my 'rukhsati'. Pls don't advise me to tell my dad or his parents as they wouldn't understand, and to be honest with you, we don't even want them to understand.

Q-4: My mom says that I am not supposed to be spending nights with him (sleeping with my husband) after Nikah. I find this ridiculous, as I know I can sleep with him, but the problem is WHERE? That is why she says I can always go out with him but can never spend the night outside my house before I get married. She thinks a girl can do whatever she likes, but sex is something, which she should do after her rukhsati. Where can we possibly have sex????

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Desperate to get married

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Beloved sister in Islam, before we start to address your specific questions, please allow us to put the whole scene in perspective in light of the guidance of the Quran and Sunnah.

Considering the circumstances and the age both of you are in, your emotions are quite understandable. And Alhamdolillah, it is evident from your letter that you indeed fear Allah Subhanah and don’t want to transgress the boundaries laid down by our Just and Merciful Lord. May Allah Subhanah bless you and give you the wisdom and the courage to make a decision which would derive his Mercy and Pleasure, and abstain from taking any steps which would incur His Wrath and His Anger.

Firstly, if you do go ahead with your ‘secret’ Nikaah by choosing a Wali, determining the Mehr, and getting two witnesses to the Nikaah contract, etc.; although you might be following the letter of the Islamic Law, you will not be following the spirit of the Shariah. The sacred bond of marriage is not a game or a play, but a decision which could have severe consequences in one’s whole life; and that is precisely why, Islam has guided the believers to make this decision in consultation with one’s parents and elders. The Nikaah and the Walima feast that follows is basically an announcement to society at large that two people have chosen to live the rest of their lives in sacred matrimony. But if one decides to marry in secret without informing one’s parents or elders, and keeps it hidden from the society at large just so that the two of them can enjoy conjugal relationships within the law would indeed not be correct, nor in the spirit of the Shariah Law.

You might have seen many cases where two people are engaged or perform Nikaah, but when they start knowing each other closely, they realize that there is a gulf of difference between the two and it would be difficult to live with each other; and they decide to separate now rather than go through with their decision to live together for the rest of their lives!

Although you have specifically instructed us not to give you the advice to talk to your father, we have absolutely no option, but as your sincere well wishers, to give you the very same advice! You could get someone close to him to talk to him, or approach one of his friends or someone he trusts and try to make them convince your parents to get you married to your fiancé as soon as possible.

Now to your specific questions:

Q-1: Who would be the Wali? My father will not be present there, neither my mom. So whom should we make our Wali? Pls keep this mind that this Nikah is just for us, for our satisfaction that we would not do anything that is forbidden, as then our relationship would be legal.  This Nikah is being done because we don't want to do something physical illegally (as we have done things in the past which we deeply regret and have promised not to commit that mistake again). We will not be telling about this nikah to anyone except his friends who would be the witnesses. I don't understand what to do? We would either have Nikah through phone or Internet, or through court marriage. Which one do your suggest?

The Wali, in normal circumstances would be the bride’s father; but if for any valid reason he is unable to attend any male elder of the family can be made the Wali of the bride. If absolutely none is available, the Qadi or the Judge can become the Wali himself and give the girl in marriage.

We again humbly advice and recommend that you should not go ahead with the secret marriage; for it would neither be righteous in the Sight of Allah Subhanah, the families concerned and society. Our sincere suggestion would be to have a proper Nikkah with the blessings of the elders of both the families. That would be the best and most righteous way.

Q-2: - Another thing that is bothering me is the mehr. Usually the bride's father decides the mehr. In my case, I don't know whom to turn to? My dad once told me that he would take 2-3 months of my fiance's salary. Is it possible that our Nikah is done without mehr (we can decide that on RUKHSATI- the day the bride officially leaves her house?)? I have another qs related to this. Why has Islam asked the father of the bride to decide mehr? The mehr is for the bride and will be used by only her, so why isn't there any involvement of her will in this regard? Why doesn't a father discuss this with the bride?

Allah Subhanah has declared ‘mehr’ an obligatory condition of marriage; that the man fix and gift an amount to his wife, according to his means or according to his wife’s demand, at the time of marriage.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 4: And give the women (on marriage) their dower as a free gift; but if they of their own good pleasure remit any part of it to you , take it and enjoy it with right good cheer.

The amount of Mehr is not fixed in Shariah. A rich man may offer according to his status and a poor man according to his status; and a woman may accept or demand more according to her wish. It is something that is offered by the man according to his status, and accepted or rejected by the proposed bride if she wishes to do so.

The decision of the amount to offer is made by the groom, and the bride has the right to accept or reject it. Although the bride has the final say and authority on the matter, it would be righteousness on the part of the bride to consult her father or her elders regarding the determination of mehr.

Q-2A: Is it possible that our Nikah is done without mehr (we can decide that on RUKHSATI- the day the bride officially leaves her house?)?

Allah Subhanah has declared the determination of the ‘mehr’ an obligatory condition of marriage, so that the rights of the girl are protected; thus a Nikaah without any determination of ‘mehr’ would be invalid in the sight of Shariah.

Once the ‘mehr’ amount is accepted by the bride, it is better and purer for the man to pay her immediately. If he cannot afford to pay her immediately, and if his proposed wife agrees, he may pay her at a later date or in installments. But it is an obligatory condition of marriage that the amount of mehr be determined before the Nikaah is performed.

If the groom is very poor, and if the bride is willing to accept it of her own free will, the ‘mehr’ can even be as simple as the declaration of the ‘Shahaadah’, or two sandals, or even as meager as two handfuls of flour or dates!

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3209 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik

AbuTalhah married Umm Sulaym, the Mehr between them being acceptance of Islam. Umm Sulaym had become a Muslim before AbuTalhah, and when he asked her in marriage she said, "I have become a Muslim, so if you become one I shall marry you." He then accepted Islam and that was the Mehr arranged between them.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3206 Narrated by Amir ibn Rabi'ah

A woman of the Banu Fazarah was married for a dower of two sandals. When Allah's Messenger (saws) asked whether she was satisfied with two sandals regarding her person and her property and she replied that she was, he gave his approval.

Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2105 Narrated by Jabir ibn Abdullah

The Prophet (saws) said: “If anyone gives as a dower to his wife two handfuls of flour or dates he has made her lawful for him.

Q-2B: Why has Islam asked the father of the bride to decide mehr? The mehr is for the bride and will be used by only her, so why isn't there any involvement of her will in this regard? Why doesn't a father discuss this with the bride?

Islam has given the bride the final authority in the acceptance of the Mehr; and the father or the elder guardians of the bride may act as consultants to the bride in determining the amount of the Mehr. If the father agrees on an amount of Mehr, and the woman does not accept it; the Nikaah ceremony cannot be fulfilled in the sight of Shariah. Only if the woman declares her acceptance, can the Nikaah ceremony be performed in the sight of Shariah.

Q-3: Now the qs that really depresses me. My fiance is in the same city where I live, so u can imagine how hard it is for both of us to resist. My and his family would never be aware of it except his friends and my mom, so basically people would think I am engaged to him, when in fact he would be my husband. So Is it possible for us to have nikah 2 times? Presently, I want to have this nikah secretly, so on the marriage day (which is after 3 yrs), is it possible that just to show that we are officially getting married THAT DAY(for the first time, like any other couple), we sign separate nikah papers (starting it all over again)? Then again, this means we signed our names, had nikah 2 times! Is it acceptable in Islam to go through the procedure again? If not, then we would have to disclose this secret to our and his parents before my 'rukhsati'. Pls don't advise me to tell my dad or his parents as they wouldn't understand, and to be honest with you, we don't even want them to understand.

The first Nikaah would more than suffice; thus doing a bogus Nikaah the second time around would be tantamount to making a mockery of the Shariah Laws of Allah Subhanah! One might get away with it in the life of this world, but anyone who dares to make a mockery of the Laws of Allah Subhanah will indeed have a severe accounting in the Presence of the All-Mighty Lord on the Day of Judgement.

Your suggestion of announcing the first Nikaah to the parents and elders at the time of Rukhsati would be possible; but absolutely not advisable, as it would have severe repercussions and consequences in your future married life. Just imagine the state of your father, who has been looking forward all his life to get his daughter honorably married; or the state of the boys parents, when they find out on the day of the marriage that their children have already married in secrecy without even so much as informing them! We have no right to cheat our parents of their dreams and their honor!

Beloved sister, when one starts a married life, it is not only the relationship with the spouse that matters; but one starts a relationship with the whole extended family and society at large! The consequences that would result from the step you are proposing to take, just so that two people can prepone their conjugal relationship would in reality incur a very heavy price, which the two of you might not be able to recover for the rest of your lives!

Our sincere and humble advice to you is not to go ahead with your plans of this secret marriage; for the price, sacrifice, and dishonor that this temporary pleasure demands would be unbearable when one faces reality. And that is only the consequence of the proposed actions in the life of this world; the accounting in the life of the hereafter would indeed be insurmountable!

Q-4: My mom says that I am not supposed to be spending nights with him (sleeping with my husband) after Nikah. I find this ridiculous, as I know I can sleep with him, but the problem is WHERE? That is why she says I can always go out with him but can never spend the night outside my house before I get married. She thinks a girl can do whatever she likes, but sex is something, which she should do after her rukhsati. Where can we possibly have sex????

Once the Nikaah, with all its conditions have been met, the husband and wife are legal to each other. Your mother’s suggestion is not a Shariah Guidance, but only a recommendation.

Our beloved sister in Islam, we sincerely and humbly reiterate again as your sincere well-wishers in Islam not to go ahead with the planned secret marriage! This action will not be acceptable to your parents, the boys parents, your families, the society at and large; and above all it will not earn the Pleasure of Allah Subhanah!

You have basically two honorable options:

Somehow get the message to your father, and get him to give his blessings to your marriage as soon as possible.

Fear Allah Subhanah, have patience, and control your emotions until the official Nikaah ceremony.

May Allah Subhanah guide you to make the decision which will earn his Good Will and His Pleasure; and give you the wisdom and the courage to abstain from doing anything that would incur His Wrath and His Anger.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your Brother in Islam,

Burhan