Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Dearest Brother,

Assalam-ulaikum,
 
My mother had contacted you in 2007 regarding a concern she had over the proposed marriage of my brother. As the email chain shows below, you had been very kind and sent her a detailed reply over her question. 

 
My brother has since been married to a girl my parents selected for him. Unfortunately there have been some complications in the marriage which have become a matter of big concern for my parents, my brother and the rest of the family.

To give you a little background, my parents successfully arranged my brother's marriage two and a half years back. He was given the opportunity to speak to my sister in law a couple of times in order to get to know her prior to the wedding ceremony. My parents were introduced to my sister in laws family through a common friend. In their first meeting, my parents took a liking to the family and to my sister in law in virtue of their good mannerisms and hospitality as the meeting were arranged at the home of my sister in laws family. Upon speaking to the girl, my brother did not develop an instant liking to her as he had some reservations about some of the comments she made during their conversation which came across to him as demanding. However my parents did not agree to his opinion and unfortunately under coercion from my parents, he finally gave in and said yes to the marriage.

As of now, they have a daughter of 1 years of age and another baby due in December 2010. As much bliss the daughter has brought to him, the last two years have also been extremely difficult and treacherous for him. My brother’s concern regarding my sister in law prior to the marriage has unfortunately proved to be correct. Soon after the marriage, my sister in law started behaving very unreasonably. For your ease of understanding, I have bullet pointed her significantly disturbing behavioral issues below:

         She has been extremely demanding without considering the needs of my brother or of our family. If my brother speaks or plans anything which is not to her liking, she throws a fit and fights with him as opposed to having a normal discussion to resolve the issue. We understand that many couples in their initial years of the marriage undergo many misunderstandings and do enter into frequent arguments. However in the case of my sister in law, these arguments turn into vicious fights with throwing objects at my brother, threatening with brutal force such as showing him a knife, using swear words at him, running outside the house and disappearing for hours;  to name a few.

         She has a habit of compulsive lying to the point that she has misconstrued many of the facts regarding her behavior to friends and family. Due to the constant fights, my parents spoke to her father only to find out that she had given them a different version of the fights putting entire blame on my brother who is abusive and does not treat her as a wife should be treated. In essence of this bad habit of hers, my brother and our family have lost credibility in her words and her actions.

         Another area of significant concern for us is her attitude towards our mother.  Our mother is in her early sixties and of a mellow disposition. Given her age and background, she is a very sensitive individual who does not assert herself as she should given the situation. Unfortunately, due to certain misunderstandings, my sister in law is convinced that mother is trying to break up her marriage with my brother. As a result, she does not speak to her and wants my brother to keep minimal interaction with my mother. This is very painful for my mother to bear given she has never once scolded my sister in law on her unreasonable behavior nor has she tried to break up her marriage.  To cite an example, my sister in law called my father in the middle of the night, 2am at be exact, and complained about my mother and how she is trying to break her home (here I would like to bring to your attention that my parents do not live in the same home let alone same country as my brother and sister in law; their visits to my brother’s house are limited to a month in the entire 12 months).

         We unfortunately feel that she has married my brother more than anything but for his wealth. Despite her constant complaints about my brother and our family’s severe ill treatment of her, she is not willing to let go off my brother in any way. She keeps a constant watch on his finances and tries her best that he does not spend any money on his family or any other item without her approval. She is constantly urging him to buy expensive goods for herself and their daughter. We understand this is normal in many marriages, but given her behavior, it cannot escape our mind to question would she continue with this marriage given my brother did not earn the hefty salary that he currently does which has afforded her a lavish lifestyle of a half million dollar house,  a luxury SUV and many other monetary benefits.  

         And lastly and most importantly, the main ingredient of a happy and healthy marriage i.e. trust is missing in their relationship.  My sister in law does not allow my husband to have lunch with his co-workers during work hours; she checks his phone log to see who he has called when he is away from her; in her absence she does not allow my brother to visit or spend a few minutes with his family.

Given this behavior, we seek your advice on how we should deal with this matter. Due to the immense fighting which took place a few months back, my brother was unable to tolerate her behavior and was ready to separate from her. However, his love and fear of losing his daughter held him back. With another baby coming along, he has just given in to this marriage.

A month back, my parents met with her parents and discussed in great depth her ill behavior towards my brother. Unfortunately, her parents lied profusely and fully defended their daughter’s behavior claiming it to be reactionary to my brother’s ill treatment of her.

As a sister and as a happily married woman, it hurts to know that his marriage is not a healthy one and one which is built on the pillars of fear and mistrust as opposed to the pillars of trust, love and respect. We unfortunately realize that my brother sadly married someone who lacks the basic facets of a good moral character; however we also accept that these are challenges given to us by Allah so we can clean our own sins and come closer to Him through taqwah and sabar.

Sadly, my brother is the only son of my parents who are now retired and depend emotionally and financially upon him. In order to maintain harmony in his house, he bends down to her unreasonable whims and I fear this will become the norm in his marriage. I fear he will lose his own self-confidence and self-will; my parents will lose their only son and us sisters our only brother with time. At the same time, we also worry about the fate about the innocent children if the marriage were to end in a divorce.

Dear Brother, Kindly advice on what course of action is most suitable given the detailed facts I have provided you above. 

Once again, I appreciate your time and patience in reading this detailed email. May Allah reward you for your kindness. 

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Marital issues problems

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Your Statement: …..he has just given in to this marriage.

Respected sister, in spite of all the challenges your brother faces with his wife and her behavior in his marriage, if your brother has himself decided to give in to his marriage, then, right or wrong, that is a decision which he has himself chosen to be made…..and you as the sister, would have no other option, but to accept and honor the decision of your brother.

Your Statement: ….Given this behavior, we seek your advice on how we should deal with this matter.

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.27 Narrated by Abu Huraira

The Prophet (saws) said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser."

Respected sister, the time to investigate, check and verify the character and the practice of the deen of a person is before one agrees to marry that person, not after one has already married the person.

If the decision of your parents or your brother in choosing to marry this particular woman was based on any other criteria except the ‘deen’, then the obvious result would always be a loss!

In spite of all her deeds, if your brother himself has chosen to accept the injustice of his wife in an effort to save his marriage, knowing very well that accepting the unreasonable demands of his wife would severely affect his relationship with his parents and his siblings….then I’m afraid to say that there is very little anyone else can do!

It is entirely upto your brother whether to challenge the behavior and attitude of his wife, and demand that she amend her conduct; or let her continue her merry way at his expense.

What your brother, and albeit every husband, has to do is find a way and a balance by fulfilling all his duties, responsibilities, and rights due to his wife in full without affecting his duties, responsibilities and rights due to his parents and his relatives. And that balance can only be achieved by those who accept and follow the Guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws) in all aspects of their lives.

If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan