Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Asalam Alaikum

I have a question regarding guardianship of the female during the marriage process. A man of sound religious background and character approached me for marriage. I told him that I must speak with my parents before giving him an answer. I spoke with them and they were very very angry. There was no reason for this. They do not know the man, nor of his good character and religious background. For several months my parents have told me to wait. For things such as finishing my education, finding out my results, finding out my sister’s results, waiting until summer to even talk about it. All things which are not relevant to marriage, but I complied with their wishes.

My father tells me that he wants to get my sister married first, I was wondering if there was anything to say that the eldest must marry first in Islam? My sister has not found anyone to marry, my parents have not looked for her and she is not even sure if she wants to get married yet. Am I expected to wait indefinitely until she decides she wants to get married before I can, when I have found someone suitable?

The second problem is that the man’s parents have telephoned my father asking for me in marriage but my father refused saying he had no intention of getting me married. I was wondering if his guardianship would be waived on the grounds that I want to marry this man, he wants to marry me, and he is of sound character and religious background and there is no reason for my father to refuse, other than the he wants my sister to marry first. His parents tried again to call but this time my sister answered and was apparently quite harsh with them on the phone saying never to call again.

It seems that there is no good reason for the refusal of this marriage and I want to marry this man. My mother has told me that I`m too young (I’m 21) and that I’m ruining my life by accepting his proposal when she doesn’t even know him and has never met him.

What am I supposed to do given the circumstances of the situation? 

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Answer:

Parents refusal for marriage

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Your Question: …I was wondeing if there was anything to say that the eldest must marry first in Islam?

There is absolutely no such restriction in Islam that the eldest of the siblings must marry before those younger than them.

Your Question: ….What am I supposed to do given the circumstances of the situation? 

Respected sister in Islam, if you can convince your parents to approve and give their consent, then indeed marry the man whom you love; but if you are unable to obtain the consent of your parents to marry that particular man, marry another man whom both you and your parents approve of……but whatever the case, do not disobey your parents, for marriage is but a voluntary act in Islam, but to obey the lawful commands of one’s parents is an absolutely obligatory duty of every believer who sincerely believes in Allah and the Last Day.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:

Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated byAbu Umamah

A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws) what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise and your Hell!"

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas

The Prophet (saws) was asked about the ‘Grave Sins’, and He (saws) replied, "They are:--

(1 ) To join others in worship with Allah,

(2) To be undutiful to one's parents,

(3) To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill)

(4) And to give a false witness."

Second only to absolute gravest sin and abomination of ‘shirk’ (associating others with Allah Subhanah) in gravity of sins in the Sight of Allah Subhanah is the disobedience to the lawful commands of one’s parents!

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928 Narrated by Abud Darda

When a man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he had heard Allah's Messenger (saws) say, "A parent is the best of the gates of Paradise; so if you wish, keep to the gate, or lose it."

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 216:

216 ……But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth and ye know not.

Respected Sister, if you do not approve of your parents choice, and the parents do not approve of your choice, then marry someone else whom both you and your parents approve of….but under absolutely no situation would it be considered righteousness for a believing woman to arrange her own marriage without the approval and consent of her parents.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3137 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "A woman may not give a woman in marriage, nor may she give herself in marriage, for the immoral woman is the one who gives herself in marriage."

The parents too have a duty towards the well-being of their children in Islam, and if the parents are satisfied with the character and practice of religion of the believer who has sent the proposal, and find that their daughter wishes to agree to that proposal…..the parents should give their consent to the marriage.

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3090 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on earth and extensive corruption.'

But if there is a situation whereby either the daughter does not wish to accept the proposal and choice presented by her parents; or the parents do not give their consent to the choice of their daughter…..then it would only be piety and righteousness on the part of the daughter to seek to marry someone else whom she and her parents both approve of…..for Islam guides that neither the parents should force their daughter to marry someone she does not wish to marry; nor should the daughter force her parents to accept her choice.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan