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Abusive husband.

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Here is my situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years and a half. We have never really been happy together except for a few days after we had been separated. My husband has an anger problem. He is extremely nervous and gets angry at everyone and everything. It seems to me he cannot bare living with someone else. I am a convert and have been for 5 years now and sometimes I wonder about my husbands intentions for marrying me. He does not have a Canadian status yet and this has been an issue in our life together. I must say our marriage has been very strange as he gave me the impression he did not want to marry me from the begining and he always complains about me even though I do my best to please him. He gets angry at me even though he is mad at someone else or at himself. He shouts at me and tells me the most horrible things. I wanted to divorce many many times and we discussed it a lot. He agreed many times to get divorce but he never pronounced divorce to me specificaly. Sometimes we would live separately for a few days and he would come to me and beg me to forgive him and he does not want to lose me. Usualy the way it works when we fight, he insults me, shouts at me and when it gets too bad, I have to get out of our home and go away for a while to be safe. Within our 4 years 1/2 of marriage, he must have kicked me out of our home 10 to 15 times, forcing me to give him the apartment keys back. He would leave me without money and I had to go seek shelter at my mother`s place. He never expressely said he divorced me in those times. But he would say things like: " Pack all your things and I don`t ever want to see your *** face again! " the I would go out and take the bus to my mother`s place. Most of the times, he will come back to me the next day or a few days later seeking forgiveness and takes me back home. Another scenario is the same, except before I open the apartment door to leave with my personal belongings, he blocks the way and forces me to stay home and laughs as if it`s funny and I am hurt from his behaviour. I start crying and he tries to hug me and kiss me and keeps laughing. Then he says he did not mean what he said, or for me to go away, he says he`s stupid etc. He lets me pack my things and stops me just before I open the door.


My problem is, he did this for over 10-15 times, if not more. Sometimes it would happen 2-3 times within the same month. But he doesnt say "I divorce you". Does this behaviour count as divorce or not?! For how long can he kick me out of our home without saying I divorce you so we are done? I am very tired and I want to continue with my life and I do appreciate things about him but we are in fights every day. I cannot raise a family with him and he refuses to get divorce. I feel like we have already een divorced for a long time because of his behaviour. Please enlighten me because I cannot take this anymore. I tried to get khula but he cries and cries when we talk about it and I feel guilty! Guilt is the only feeling that lets me stay with him. If we get divorced legally as well, he will need to go back to his country and he might suffer from this. But we cannot live together! And I can`t let him suffer back home! What to do??? Are we already divorced and haram for eachother for a long time or do I have to put up with his behaviour?


A very very very desperate sister. 

 

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Answer:

 

Abusive husband

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

 

Your Question: ..My problem is, he did this for over 10-15 times, if not more. Sometimes it would happen 2-3 times within the same month. But he doesnt say "I divorce you". Does this behaviour count as divorce or not?!

Respected sister in Islam, a divorce has to be pronounced by the husband for it to be considered established in the Sight of Shariah Law and of Allah Subhanah. Regardless of the words uttered by your husband, as long as he has not clearly declared I divorce you, rest assured that no divorce has been established in your marriage in the Sight of Shariah Law.

 

Your Question: Are we already divorced and haram for eachother for a long time or do I have to put up with his behaviour?

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34:

34   Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard (their chastity, their husbands honor, property, etc.)




 

Respected Sister in Islam, the sacred institution of marriage in Islam is not a union between two people who compete against each other, but rather a marriage in Islam is a sacred union between two people who complement each other in their partnership, who develop and maintain the love and mercy between them that Allah Subhanah has created for them in their marriage, and strive together as a team to live a life of peace, harmony and tranquility under the fear and guidance of Allah.

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rome verse 21:

21 And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.

 

If one truly seeks guidance in ones marriage, there is no better recipe for peace, harmony and tranquility in ones relationship with ones spouse in marriage than the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws).

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3252 Narrated by Aisha ; Abdullah ibn Abbas

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The best of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my family."

 

Sahih Muslim Hadith 3465 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: The whole world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious woman.

 

Sahih Muslim Hadith 3469 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: a believing man should not hate a believing woman (his wife); if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3358 Narrated by AbuBakr as-Siddiq

The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats badly those under his authority will not enter Paradise."

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

When Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) was asked which woman was best he replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves."

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: Had it been permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 284 Narrated by AbuAli Talq ibn Ali

The Prophet (saws) said: When a man sends for his wife for the satisfaction of his need, she should go to him even if she may be occupied in baking bread.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah

The Prophet (saws) said: If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.

 

Amongst the obligatory rights that are due from a husband to his wife in marriage are that he honor her, love her, cherish her, be kind, generous and merciful towards her, protect her, and provide for her complete upkeep according to his means.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3358 Narrated by AbuBakr as-Siddiq

The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats badly those under his authority will not enter Paradise."

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives.

 

In return for everything the husband does for the wife in the sacred bond of marriage, the guidance of Islam commands and guides the wife to be grateful and devoutly obedient to her husband.

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 1.28 Narrated by Ibn Abbas

The Prophet (saws) said: "I was shown the Hell-Fire and found that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah? (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He (saws) replied, "They are not thankful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors done to them. Even if you were to do good to one of them all your life, when she seems some harshness from you, she will say, "I have never seen any good from you!"

 

Beloved Sister, if your husband is not willing to give you your due rights in the marriage, you have two lawful options in Islam:

  1. Bear his unjust oppression with patience with the conviction that justice will be served and you will get your full and due retribution in the Presence of your Lord Most Just, Most Supreme on that Inevitable Day of Judgment; and thus save your marriage.
  2. If you cannot bring yourself to bear the unjust oppression of your husband in the marriage, you are well within your rights to initiate a divorce proceedings against such an evil and impious husband.and if what you have related is indeed true, there would be no blame or sin upon you.

 

Respected Sister, if you opt to save your marriage.regardless of whether or not your husband chooses to fulfill all his rights towards you or not, you should fear Allah and make absolutely sure that you fulfill all the rights that are due unto him in the marriage. It might appear that one who is unjust might get away with his injustice and oppression in the life of this short and transient world; but we assure you sister, none will get away with ones oppression and injustice in the Presence of the Lord Most Majestic Most Supreme on that Inevitable Day of Judgment!

 

Sahih Muslim Hadith 6251 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: Do you know who is a muflis (abjectly poor or one who is totally bankrupt)? They (the Companions (r.a.) of the Prophet (saws)) said: A muflis amongst us is one who has neither dirham with him nor wealth. He (the Prophet (saws)) said: The muflis of my Ummah would be he who would come on the Day of Resurrection with prayers and fasts and Zakah but (he would find himself bankrupt on that day as he would have exhausted his funds of virtues) since he hurled abuses upon others, brought calumny against others, unlawfully consumed the wealth of others, shed the blood of others, and beat others. His virtues would be credited to the account of one (who suffered at his hand). And if his good deeds fall short to clear the account (of his mis-deeds), then their sins would be entered in (his account) and he would be thrown in the Hell-Fire!

 

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

 

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

 

 

Burhan

 


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