Chose between wife and mother
Mu' meneen
Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi
wa Barakatuh. (May
Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our
brothers/sisters has asked this question:
Assalam alaikum,
My query is related to
the same topic. The difference is that my in laws are greedy of money and they
have 2 other sons too to look after them. They say that my husband has no right
to look after his wife and child but it is his right to look after his parents,
his brothers and brother's families. I till certain period tolerated this as
long as my daughter was small. But now my daughter is school going and my in
laws dont want us to educate her or give her good
things in life...I cannot tolerate this. Worst thing is whenever my husband
goes to them they tell him to illtreat my daughter
and me and to leave both of us forever. I am the only child of my parents and
they too are old and sick they cannot look after me if he leaves us. In this
situation I told my husband to stay away from his parents because if he goes to
his parents my child will lose her father...In Islam Allah says that we have
certain rights towards our parents so it also says that we have certain rights
towards our children too...If our parents dont want
us to look after our children and keep us away from them...what should we do?
Please tell me if I am doing wrong by keeping my husband away from his
family so that my child gets a happy and loving family and doesnt lose her father. Please help this sister in Islam.
May Allah's blessing be upon you. Thank you.
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Answer:
Chose between wife and
mother
In the
name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness.
Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray,
none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no
person, no grave, no prophet, no imam,
no dai,
nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that
Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24: Your
Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him
Alone! Treat your parents with great
kindness; if either or both of them
attain old age, do not even say uff to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and
pray, O our Lord, be merciful to them,
just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.
After the
rights due to Allah Subhanah, in Islam the biggest rights in all mankind is
due to our parents. And after the
rights of parents, is the rights of our
near relatives, far relatives, muslims, neighbors, etc. In Islam,
the law is that one must give all the rights due to each, without effecting the rights of others.
For
instance, one cannot take away the right
due to our parents, and give them to our
wives and children. Neither can he take
away the rights of the wives and children and give them to his parents. There
should be a proper balance, and a muslim, who indeed
fears Allah and the Last Day, should
give each party its rights without effecting the rights of the other.
Regarding
the rights and obligations of our parents upon us, it is imperative and obligatory on every
believer, who fears Allah and the Last
Day, to treat and obey his parents in
absolutely everything, except if they ask
you to do something which is against the command of Allah and His Messenger
(saws). Other than that, their word is basically a command for us! We are not allowed in any circumstance
to groan, moan, growl, whimper or even
say uff to them!
We have to obey them in every respect,
as long as their command is not against Allah and His Messenger
(saws). We have been enjoined by Allah Subhanah to be kind to them, be patient with them, be merciful to them, be obedient to them, and treat them with the utmost respect. So much so,
that this right and obligation is termed fard
ain(absolutely obligatory for every individual) in
Islam. And fard
ain means,
that no matter how old you are 10-20-50-90 as along as one or both of
your parents are alive, you have to be
obedient to them! No one can do this on
our behalf we have the obligation to do it yourself! This is the high station and the elevated maqaam of parents in Islam.
The
question of husband and wifes rights in a marriage is so vast and so
varied, that it would require a full
book if one was to list all the rights due from the husband to the wife in all
circumstances, and the rights due from a
wife to the husband. It is almost
impossible to list the rights in this small article. Therefore,
we will try to give you an overview of the Quranic
principles and foundations of the rights
and responsibilities that are required by the husband and the wife in an
Islamic marriage.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 228: Wives
have the same rights as the husbands have on them in accordance with the
generally known principles. And men are
a degree above them; and above all is
Allah, the All Mighty, All Wise.
Islam
has given both man and woman certain rights,
responsibilities and duties according to their nature. All the financial responsibilities of the
household is the responsibility of the man.
Even if his wife is a millionaire,
she is not required to spend a penny of it on the household, if she does not wish to. It is the responsibility of the man to
provide for her food, clothing and
shelter according to his means.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34: Men are the
managers of the affairs of women because Allah has made the one superior to the
other, and because men spend of
their wealth on women. Virtuous
women are , therefore, obedient (to
their husbands); and they guard in his absence what Allah would have them guard
(their honor, their property, etc.)
In
Islam, each family can be considered a
small State, and Allah has appointed the
man as the leader of the state, because
of certain natural qualities and because they provide for the family from their
means. But having been given the
position of a leader in Islam does not mean that the man becomes an arrogant
and oppressive dictator like the leaders of the world! In
Islam, when one is made a leader, his duty is to fear Allah, and serve, protect and maintain harmony in
his state, by being a just,
benevolent, and a loving servant-leader.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rum verse 21: And of Allahs Sign is that He has
created for you wives from your own species,
so that you may find peace with them,
and (Allah has) created love and mercy between you. Surely in this there are many Signs for
those who reflect.
Allah
himself says that he has created the relationship of husband and wife, so that we may find peace and tranquility in
this relationship. And Allah has put
love and mercy between the spouses, in
this sacred relationship of marriage.
But this love, respect, harmony,
peace and tranquility can only be experienced if both the husband and
wife fear and obey Allah Subhanah, and give all the rights that are due to their
spouses.
It is reported that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said in an
authentic narration: The whole world is a provision (from Allah), and the best of the provisions is a righteous
wife.
Thus what
is required for a peaceful and loving marriage and a good wholesome life, is first and foremost the fear of Allah Subhanah; that one
day everyone will have to stand alone in the Court of Allah Subhanah
to give a full accounting of all his deeds.
Once this God-consciousness and piety is developed in the person, he will always try to obey Allah and thus do
all his deeds in the best manner, giving
each the rights that are due to them.
Your Question: In this
situation I told my husband to stay away from his parents because if he goes to
his parents my child will lose her father... Please tell me if I am doing wrong
by keeping my husband away from his family so that my child gets a
happy and loving family and doesnt lose her father.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 16 Surah Nahl verses 90-91:
90 Allah commands justice, the doing
of good and liberality to kith and kin, and He forbids all shameful
deeds and injustice and rebellion: He instructs you that ye may receive
admonition.
91 Fulfil the covenant of Allah when ye have entered into it and break not
your oaths after ye have confirmed them; indeed ye have made Allah your surety;
for Allah knoweth all that ye do.
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.17 Narrated
by Abu Huraira
The Prophet (saws) said, "The word 'Ar-Rahm
(womb) derives its name from Ar-Rahman (i.e., one of
the names of Allah) and Allah said: 'I will keep good relation with the one who
will keep good relation with you, (womb, i.e. kith and kin) and sever the
relation with him who will sever the relation with you, (womb, i.e. kith and
kin).
Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.160 Narrated
by Abu Huraira
The Prophet (saws) said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the
Last Day, should serve his guest generously; and whoever believes in
Allah and the Last Day, should unite the bond of kinship (i.e. keep good
relation with his kith and kin); and whoever believes in Allah and the
Last Day, should talk what is good or keep quiet."
It
does not behove a believer, who sincerely fears Allah
and the Last Day, that they should advise another to break the blood-relations
which Allah has made for them! The one
who advises thus would indeed be guilty of a grave sin in the sight of the Lord,
and must immediately amend his/her conduct and seek sincere repentance from the
Merciful Lord; it is expected that he/she will find her Lord full of Mercy and
Forgiveness.
If the
husband accepts his wifes (or anybody elses) advice, and indeed breaks relations
with his blood-relatives which Allah Subhanah has
made for him, he would indeed be guilty of a grave sin in the sight of Allah Subhanah.
Your Statement: Please
help this sister in Islam.
Beloved
sister, the best way forward is to forgive the past, strive to amend your
relations, and show patience; for Allah is with those who show patience. Animosity only begets more animosity, and
gives the Shaitaan a window to spill more of his
poison into the believers hearts!
If after
your sincere trying and striving to create good and cordial relations with your
in-laws does not work, you are well within your rights to stay away from
them; but under no circumstances, and we
repeat, no circumstances, would it be permissible for the wife to advise her husband
to break his relationship with his parents!
That would indeed be a heinous sin in the sight of the All Mighty Lord
of the Worlds.
Whatever
written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance,
and whatever of error is of me. Allah
Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your Brother in
Islam,
Wister