Balance rights between Inlaws and husband
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
(May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked
this question:
Assalamu
Alaikum;
I have
a marital problem and I am seeking some advice.
I am
recently married and living with my inlaws (mother, father and two sis in
laws). Initially my husband told me that I would be living with my in laws. I
didnt have a problem with it as i thought that I would be able to manage. I get
along with all my in laws although I am still very shy and cautious around them
as I do not want to offend anybody unintentionally.
The
problem that I am having is with my husband. He is the only son. My parents in
law are still in good health and good financial grounding shukr.
I
don`t see my husband or hear from him throughout the work day as we both work.
Saturdays we work on alternate sat (sat that I work he doesn`t and vice versa).
So basically the only time that I get with my husband is in the evening and on
weekends.
I do
not need to see to anything in the house as my mother in law sees to everything
such as cooking, washing of clothing, cleaning of the house. I try to assist
with household activities where i can but there is really not much to do. I really
appreciate everything that she does however, I still feel like I should be
doing those things for my husband. I want to do for him. My husband is kind and
looks after me and buys me if I need anything but I try not to ask too much.
On
weekends when we do go out we are always going out with his family everywhere
even every holiday we are with his family. Our holidays are based on when the
rest of the family wants to go and he will never come to me first and ask me:
would you like to go at this time? etc. He first goes to his family before
asking me how I feel about something.
I have
tried speaking to him about this and that we need our independence. I have
tried too explain to him nicely that we need our alone time and the we cant
take his sisters everywhere we go. He gets very angry with me and accuses me of
disliking his family, that I am selfish and nasty. He has also told me that he
will never leave his family for me.
Recently
he has started taking me out; just the two of us but now he says he cant` tell
his sisters we going out because they will ask to come with and its nasty to
say no so he has to lie to them. I have told that there is nothing wrong if we
go out alone whenever we want to go out. I also told him that if he tells them
his taking his wife out they should understand but always answers me with
people don`t understand.
When
its our alone time at night he will sometimes leave the room and spend upto an
hour with his family. Saturday and Sundays during the day we are with the
family whole day.
The
situation has got to a point where I don`t know how to control my emotions. I
become sad and quiet and moody and I snap at my husband.
To me
it seems as if he feels guilty and can`t say no.
Am I
being unreasonable and selfish.
How do
I help my husband understand where I am coming from.
What
can I do to make us both happy.
Jazakallah
for your time.
(There may be some grammatical and spelling
errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from
questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in
confidentiality.)
Answer:
Balance rights
between Inlaws and husband
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His
help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and
whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness
that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that
Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah
Nisaa verse 34: Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because
Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from
their means. Therefore the
righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the
husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard (their property, their
chastity, their honor, etc.)
While Islam has laid several responsibilities
and duties upon the believing men as a test in the life of this world
(financial, physical, governance, jihad, etc) for an entry into Paradise; Allah
Subhanah has balanced the test of duties and responsibilities of the believing
women for their entry into Paradise with one supreme responsibility that is
equivalent to all the duties of the man! If the believing woman is
successful in this one test, she has been promised
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith
3254 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "When a
woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her
chastity and obeys her husband,
she may enter by any of the Gates of Paradise she wishes."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith
286 Narrated by Umm
Salamah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If a woman dies while
her husband was pleased with her,
she will enter
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith
3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
When Allah's Messenger (saws) was asked which
woman was best, he (saws) replied, "The
one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he
gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or
property by doing anything of which he disapproves."
In light of the guidance of the Quran and the
Sunnah, any wife who sincerely wishes to have peace, tranquility, harmony, love
and mercy between herself and her husband must be devoutly obedient to her
husband!
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah
Rum verse 21: And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates
from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your
(hearts); Verily, in that are Signs for those who reflect.
Thus, if the believers wish to live their
married lives with their spouse in peace and harmony and tranquility and love
and mercy; the believing man will have to fulfill his responsibilities and
duties and give all his rights in full to his family, and the believing woman
will have to live her life in absolute obedience to her husband. If
either of the two fall short in any of their responsibilities, love and mercy
will give way to oppression and dissension!
It is the duty and responsibility of the
believing women to figure out what exactly pleases her husband and strive to do
those deeds; and ascertain what displeases her husband and absolutely abstain
from doing those deeds! Such is the level of obedience demanded from
the believing wife in a righteous marriage, that the Messenger of Allah (saws)
said these words in an authentic hadith:
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated
by Abu Hurayrah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Had it been
permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have
ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband!’
My dear beloved Sister, you are required as a believer to
ensure that your husband is always pleased with you. You should practice
patience and perseverance in co-habiting with your in-laws and sisters in law
and try your best to keep the peace and harmony of your husband's house intact.
Thus regardless of whatever your emotions
leave you to act, time and time again the Lord Most Majestic has Guided and
Commanded those who believe in Him and the Last Day to strive their absolute
utmost to fulfill their deed to the degree of ‘Ehsaan’, a degree where the
‘haqq’ or right of that deed is fulfilled, a degree where that deed cannot
possibly be done better than that….that then would be the level of ‘Ehsaan’ in
the Sight of Allah Subhanah!
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah
Baqarah verse 195 (part):
195 … and do ‘ehsaan’; for Allah loves
the ‘muhsineen’ (those who do their deeds with ‘ehsaan’ or excellence.)
Though you as a wife have rights, it is advisable for you
to obey and do what pleases your husband and maintain the peace and maybe save
your marriage. This requires great patience and wisdom and InshaAllah you will
receive manifold ajr from Allah swt.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 11 Surah
Hud verses 9-11:
9 If We give man a
taste of Mercy from Ourselves and then withdraw it from him, behold! He is in
despair and (falls into) blasphemy.
10 But if We give him a taste of
(Our) favors after adversity hath touched him, He is sure to say "All evil
has departed from me!"; behold! He falls into exultation and pride.
11 Not so do those who show ‘sabr’ (patience and constancy), and
work righteousness; for them is forgiveness (of sins) and a great reward.
You will get no benefit if you pester your husband and
create tension and ask him to spend more quality time with you.
If you practice sabr, InshaAllah in time he will respond
more favorably. Our sincere advice sister is to bear this situation and make
duaa to Allah swt always to give you the strength and patience required and
make your trials easy and at all times keep your trust in Allah Subhanah.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 33 Surah
Ahzaab verse 35:
35 For men and women who submit
themselves, for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men
and women, for men and women who practice ‘sabr’, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and
women who give in charity, for men and women who fast, for men and women who
guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah's Praise;
for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and Great Reward.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 14 Surah
Ibraheem verses 11-12:
11 ……..And
on Allah let all men of faith put their trust.
12 "No
reason have we why we should not put our trust on Allah. Indeed He
has guided us to the Way we (follow). We shall certainly bear with patience all the hurt you may cause
us: for those who put their trust should put their trust on Allah."
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only
due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is only ones.
Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your brother and well wisher in Islam,
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