Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Assalamualikum, I have an important question and wanted your guidance.

I am a Muslim and have a strict and traditional Muslim family. I have a female friend who was Christian, she converts to be a Muslim, I was helping her with the basics, later she started going in the mosque and online to learn more about Islam. Now "Alhamdullillah" she knows more than me about Islam. Now the situation is that she wants to marry me and ofcourse I want to marry her too,she is a very nice girl and has lot of tragedies in her life.I could have married her even though she was not a Muslim. I never asked her to be a Muslim.

Now my problem is that I am engaged to my cousin in Pakistan since last almost five years. My parents want me to merry her, but I don`t want to merry there not because she is not nice or anything is wrong with her. She is even prettier than the girl here. I respect her so much; I don`t know how to do this, how to disrespect her, and how to disrespect my parents, and family. Now here is the most tragic part, this girl who lives here has a horrible life experience. She has a child who is 4 year old. She has this child because she got raped. She is fighting with that guy in the court. He is still in the rehab institute because he pretends to be an abnormal. The kid she has is very cute, he is very innocent, and I love him. She wants to raise him as a Muslim. She respects my parents and everything else. Another thing that her own dad who was an Indian was passed away when she was few years old, so her mom who is white she remarried to another guy. She lives with her mom and other step brother and sisters, who love each other and take care of each other, her mom was separated few years later and she raised them as a single mom very well. This was her little life that I cannot imagine how is she living this life.

Now I am in a situation where I’ll have to make my decision, and it is very hard for me. If I leave this girl I worried that she will find someone else who is not Muslim or who will just stay with her as this culture is and won`t merry her and hurt her more. If I do this I feel like I am coward who got scared of helping her. I really care about her but I also want to do the right thing. I also feel that if I leave her there will be no difference between me and the other guys who live here. I know sooner or later my family will accept her; it will really hurt them in the beginning. I am also worrying about the other girl what will she feel and how will be her life. I hardly speak to her, I don’t know much about her, this was an arrange engagement where I was agreed. Now I am in such a trouble, I don`t know what to do, and I don`t want to waist more time. I definitely want to merry the girl is over here that convert to a Muslim.

I also wanted to know if I merry without the permission of my parents and the girl who I am engaged with, how big sin I am doing, and is this forgiven? Please help me; I’ll wait for your reply.  

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Which girl to marry?

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His  forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Brother, your situation is very similar to the situation a lot of young muslims face in these trying times. May Allah have mercy on the youth of Islam and guide them to the Right Path.

Your intention to marry the women with the child is indeed noble; and Allah Subhanah will give you a great reward for bringing the women and her child to the deen the Islam.

But, now you have put yourself in a situation whereby you have also agreed and engaged to marry your cousin in Pakistan!

We will try to stay away from emotions, and give you our opinions based on the guidance from the Quran and Sunnah, Insha Allah.

According to the guidance of the Quran and Sunnah, to marry someone is a Sunnah; but to obey your parents is a Fard-Ayn! And it is not Islamically correct to do a Sunnah, and leave the Fard! It is the duty of every believer, who sincerely fears Allah and His Messenger (saws), to obey their parents undcontionally in whatever they say; except if they force you to worship anyone other than Allah!

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Israa verses 23-24:

Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him. Treat your parents with great consideration; if either or both of them live with you in their old age, do not say even ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak kind words to them. Treat them with humility and tenderness, and pray, “O our Lord! Be merciful to them just as they brought me up with kindness and affection.”

Time and time again, all over the Quran, after the verses where Allah commands the believers to worship none with Him, the very next verse is to obey our parents! Such is the position and honor Allah has bestowed upon the parents in Islam.

If you sincerely want to follow the Right Path, and fear the accounting in the Court of Allah for the deeds that you do in this world; then you must obey your parents and sacrifice your desires, however noble they may be! Allah Subhanah will bestow upon you a great reward for doing the Right, in this world and in the Hereafter.

Brother, alternatively, you could choose a suitable time, and explain your position to your parents, in the most humble and polite manner. At no time, during your conversation with your parents, should you raise your voice; but if you are humble and go to them as an obedient son, and explain your position to them and seek guidance from them; it may be, if Allah Wills, that they might see your point of view and give you the permission and approval to marry the girl you wish to marry. If at any time, you see that your parents are getting upset, humbly stop the conversation and try again at another time.

Whatever our parents do and decide for us, they do so for our well-being and happiness. That is the mercy and Rahman Allah has put in the parent’s hearts for their children. We must understand that they are probably our best well-wishers in the world; and they have sacrificed their lives and their time in growing and sheltering us in this world. The favors they have done on us, are second only to the favors done on the believers by Allah and His Messenger (saws)! Our hearts must always be full of gratitude for everything that they have done for us, and we must strive, to the best of our ability, to obey them in everything that will make them happy…so much so, that Allah has commanded the believers not to even say ‘uff’ to them!

Your Question: I also wanted to know if I merry without the permission of my parents.

The fact of the matter is that you are an adult, and you can very well marry the girl of your choice without the permission of your parents, and your marriage will be deemed absolutely legal and valid in Islam. But, in the sight of Allah, it would not be the right thing to do!

The fact that you have written to us, and are seeking guidance from the Quran and Sunnah, is evidence that you love your parents, and you fear the accounting of an Inevitable Day in the Court of Allah; where every deed will be questioned.

Your Question: the girl who I am engaged with, how big sin I am doing, and is this forgiven?

Since you have agreed to marry your cousin in Pakistan, it is obvious that the girl has dedicated her mind and thoughts to you. And when she does find out about your plans, it is inevitable that she will be heart-broken and hurt, for no fault of her own.

Whatever course you decide to take, and whoever among the two girls you marry, brother, please be rest assured that the One Who takes care and provides for everyone in creation, will take care and provide for them. Your situation might seem very huge and insurmountable for you at this time; but time will heal all wounds. The way you have laid out your situation, someone will obviously be heart-broken. Brother, this is a trial and a test for you from your Lord, so seek His Help and beg Him to show you the Right Path, and guide you to do the Right Thing.

Brother, we apologize if we were not able to give you any easy answers for the dilemma you find yourself in. This is something which you will have to decide for yourself; and when the choice is between doing something good and something best, it is almost always a difficult decision to make.

May Allah Subhanah help you and guide you to make the Right Decision, which is good for your life in this world, and good for your eternal life in the hereafter. Ameen.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your Brother in Islam,

Burhan