Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

I do not like the idea about my parents finding me a spouse. I practice Islam on a average basis. But when I look up marriage, it seems unfair when it comes to finding a spouse. I know having sex and kissing a girl before is wrong and I do not intend to do that until I find her and marry her. When I am in class I am talking to a non Muslim girl about school, no one bothers me. But when it is a hijabi, people point fingers and make a big deal. which is a bit difficult because I want a modest and a well practicing muslim sister of my level as a spouse but I want to know her before I get married. I am still in school and planning to go to university and I want to meet her and find her my self. I am not going Hollywood or anything but I just feel comfortable if I find her and feel something for her before marrying her. maybe with a little help from my parents but not to that extent of them finding one for me of there liking. My mom even said that If there is a girl I like and she is a good Muslim. I should tell her and she can do something about it. her expectations are not high too. she said she has to be Muslim and it is RECOMMENDED to find someone of similar culture to avoid some problems but she said it not forced on to me though. Can I do this? and I know talking to sisters is not wrong. But people here make it wrong. forcing me to be cut off from the one that I might have feelings for. Even to sisters that I have no feelings for! They make it impossible to communicate. I talk to some online but I rather speak with them in person. now they are starting to make a big deal about having people of the opposite gender on your friends list. I want to know the opposite gender before marrying one. there is no way I am getting married like this. I am telling you this early before I start post secondary because I want to find her while I am attending post secondary. please help me. 

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Love or arranged marriage choose

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Your Statement: ….I do not like the idea about my parents finding me a spouse.

Respected brother, since your very birth until you reach the age of maturity, every single important decision of your life was made by the two people (your beloved parents)….Allah is our witness brother, you will not find another pair of people on the face of this earth who are better and sincere well-wishers of yours!!!

Every single important decision since your birth was made by them…the doctor who delivered you, the hospital where you were born, the milk and the baby food you consumed, the medicines that you needed, the clothes that you wore, even your underwear; the school that you attended, the courses which you took, the friends which you made, the movies which you saw, the books which you read, what time to get up, what time to sleep, what to do, what not to do….each and every single decision of any importance was made by them for you! It is only the result of their selfless and untold sacrifices that you have reached the age of youth today…..and when the time comes for you to make one of the most important decisions of your life (choosing a spouse), you are ready to disown all the innumerable favors and sacrifices they have done for you and despise the thought of even consulting them regarding the choosing of a suitable spouse for you!!!!!

Just imagine brother when you have your own children, and one amongst them grows up and says unto you what you dare to say unto your parents today! How will you feel then??? How can you possible isolate your best well wishers in all of mankind when making one of the most important decisions of your life, which, brother, will effect not only your life in this world, but probably have a huge bearing on your eternal life in the Hereafter!

Islam has indeed given the boy and the girl who wish to marry the right to choose their own life-partners, but with the consultation and consent of the two people who are their best well wishers in all of mankind; ie. their parents.

Your Statement: When I am in class I am talking to a non Muslim girl about school, no one bothers me. But when it is a hijabi, people point fingers and make a big deal.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 33 Surah Ahzaab verse 59:

O Prophet, enjoin your wives and daughters, and the believing women, that they should cast their outer garments over their persons. It is expected that they will thus be recognized, and not molested. Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

A believing woman who practices the deen and adorns the ‘uniform’ as guided by her Lord Most Exalted (ie. the hijaab) is not like the other women of the earth!!! Her adorning her modest ‘hijaab’ is a ‘red’ signal to all and sundry and a recognition of the fact that she is one who fears Allah in all that she does.

When ‘Mr. Slick’ approaches a woman who does not fear Allah or the Last Day, of course its no big deal to anyone….but ‘Mr. Slick’ must think carefully before he approaches a believing woman who signals by her ‘hijaab’ and her modesty that she is not like the other woman….she is one who fears Allah and has made a covenant with her Lord Most Exalted to live her life within His Prescribed Boundaries.

Your Statement: ……but I want to know her before I get married.

Jaber related that the Prophet (saws) said: ‘When one of you seeks a woman in marriage let him look at whom he wishes to marry.’

Related by Abu Dawood

Mughirah ibn Shu'bah narrated: ‘I sought a woman in marriage. The Messenger of Allah (saws) asked me :’Have you seen her?’ I said : ‘No.’ He (saws) then said: Then look at her, because it is more proper that love should be cemented between you.’

Related by Ahmed, Ibn Majah, Nasai, and Trimidhi.

The guidance of Islam absolutely encourages the believers to see, and even meet and talk to the woman they seek to marry; but with certain conditions:

1. That they should not be alone.
2. That the meeting should be chaperoned by an adult male relative or guardian of the woman.
3. That no ‘fahisha’ or indecency is involved.

……but I want to know her before I get married.

If by getting to know her before you decide to marry her or not, you mean to say that you want to ‘date’ her, or go out with her alone, or ‘check’ her out personally, etc…..that is out of the question!!!

What a fallacy and utter foolishness this thought of ‘dating’ is?? ‘Mr. Slick’ at his best ‘macho’ behavior…generous…humorous….dressed in his fineries….and the ‘lady’ at her best behavior for a couple of minutes or hours of the so-called ‘date’! How on earth are two people who are bent on putting up their best ‘act’ going to know the truth about the character of the other person???

If you truly want to ‘know’ the woman you wish to marry, ask the people you have trusted for the best part of your life….your sister, or your mother, or your aunt, etc. to ‘check’ out the girl and her family and her behavior, and her likes, and her dislikes, and the way she conducts herself in the company of others.

What your sister or your mother relate to you regarding the girl and her behavior and her upbringing and her family would be more valuable information than you could ever expect to earth out while dating the ‘girl’ alone! Remember brother, you wish to choose a woman to live with you in peace, harmony, and tranquility for the rest of your life….not someone you wish to spend a couple of nights or months with!!!!

Your Statement: ….I want to know the opposite gender before marrying one. there is no way I am getting married like this.

• Does a jeweler allow a customer to ‘borrow’ his precious jewels and use them as they like for a couple of weeks before the customer decides if he wishes to buy it or not??

• Does a house-owner allow a potential customer to live in the house for a couple of months before the customers decides if he wishes to purchase the house or not??

• Even a good restaurant does not allow its customers to eat and taste a few bites from a dish before they wish to order that dish???

No self-respecting father would allow that his daughter or sister ‘hangs’ out with every potential suitor for a few weeks or months, so that the suitor can make a decision whether or not he wishes to marry her!!! No self-respecting believing woman, especially if she fears Allah and the Last Day, would allow herself to be ‘used’ in such a manner!

Thus brother, if you are adamant on ‘dating’ and knowing the girl well before you marry her, then I’m afraid the righteous, pious, self-respecting, believing woman who sincerely fears Allah and the Last Day is out of the question!

Now that leaves you with all the ‘other’ woman who neither fear Allah nor the Last Day…..they would be more than willing to abide by your conditions and ‘date’ and ‘hang’ out with you (and other men) until you finally make up your mind which amongst them you wish to chose as your life-partner!

Good luck to you then!!!!

Your Statement: ….please help me. 

The ‘advice’ and the ‘recommendation’ given by none other than the Messenger of Allah (saws) himself to the believers who wish to make a choice amongst the eligible woman for marriage is:

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.27 Narrated by Abu Huraira

The Prophet (saws) said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser."

It is obvious that one who disobeys the obligatory Commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws) will be ruined! The above quoted hadith of the Messenger of Allah (saws) is not a Command but rather his advice and his recommendation…..and Allah is our witness brother, those who act against even the advice of Allah and His Messenger (saws) will end in ruin!!!

Thus brother, if you want to put your life in a severe trial and be amongst the ‘losers’, go ahead and ‘date’ and ‘hang’ out with those impious and unrighteous girls who are willing to let you ‘check-them-out’ for a few weeks, or months, or years….until you finally decide which one amongst them you wish to finally marry!

But if your wish is to marry a woman who will live with you in peace and harmony and tranquility, and who will be your true partner in this world and the Next, then unconditionally accept the advice of the Messenger of Allah (saws), and seek to marry a pious, religious, God-fearing woman who sincerely fears Allah and the Last Day.

The advice and the recommendation is given by none other than the one who was sent with the Truth from his Lord…..the choice to accept his (saw’s) advice and be a ‘Winner’ or to reject his advice and be a ‘Loser’ is entirely upto you.

If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan