Wife refuses sex.
Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.
(May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)
One of our brothers/sisters has asked
this question:
Salam,
We are working couple staying in U.A.E. Since the cost of living in this part
of the world is very expensive, my wife is also working to support the family.
My problem is that whenever I want to have intercourse with my wife she refuses
point blank. She kicks me, abuses me, & I have to hear all that xxx which I
have never heard in my life. Above all shes keeps on taunting me you should
have married a housewife. Its not that I want her to work I am ready to go back
to my country & there she need not work as I can afford the family back
home. She is not ready for that also.
Now I am so much bugged up that I have decided to either go for an extra
marital affair & I know still I will be at fault in the eyes of Allah.
Kindly advice should I go for second marriage, divorce the first. Also I have
two kids.
Kindly advice.
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errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from
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confidentiality.)
Answer:
Wife refuses sex
In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His
help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide,
and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear
witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear
witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His
Messengers.
The sacred institution of marriage in Islam is not a union
between two people who compete against each other, but rather a marriage in
Islam is a sacred union and bond between two people who complement each other
in their partnership, who develop and maintain the love and mercy between them
that Allah Subhanah has created for them in their marriage, and strive together
as a team to live a life of peace, harmony and tranquility under the fear and
guidance of Allah.
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah
Rome verse 21:
21 And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among
yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put
love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for
those who reflect.
If one truly seeks guidance in one’s marriage, there is no
better recipe for peace, harmony and tranquility in one’s relationship with
one’s spouse in marriage than the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws).
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 278 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘The most perfect
Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behaviour; and the best
among you are those who behave best towards their wives.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3252 Narrated by Aisha ; Abdullah ibn Abbas
Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "The best
of you is he who is best to his family, and I am the best among you to my
family."
Sahih Muslim Hadith 3465 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As
Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘The whole
world is a provision, and the best object of benefit of the world is the pious
woman.’
Sahih Muslim Hadith 3469 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘a believing
man should not hate a believing woman (his wife); if he dislikes one of her
characteristics, he will be pleased with another.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3358 Narrated by AbuBakr as-Siddiq
The Prophet (saws) said, "One who treats
badly those under his authority will not enter
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
When Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him)
was asked which woman was best he replied, "The one who pleases (her
husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not
go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of
which he disapproves."
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘Had it been
permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have
ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 284 Narrated by AbuAli Talq ibn Ali
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘When a man sends
for his wife for the satisfaction of his need, she should go to him even if she
may be occupied in baking bread.’
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah
The Prophet (saws) said: ‘If a woman dies
while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter
Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah
Nisaa verse 34:
34 Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has
given the one more (strength) than the other and because they support them from
their means. Therefore the righteous
women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah
would have them guard. As to those
women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct admonish them (first)
(next) refuse to share their beds (and last) beat them (lightly); but
if they return to obedience seek not against them means (of annoyance): for
Allah is Most High Great (above you all).
If one finds oneself in a marriage where one’s wife is
constantly disobedient to his lawful commands, Islam guides that before one
contemplates separation through the lawful but detested option of divorce, one
should try doing the following…..perchance the wife would fear Allah and amend
her conduct and thus save the marriage:
- Admonish
the wife: Find a suitable
opportunity, and with patience and above all wisdom, speak to one’s wife
politely but firmly and admonish them to fear Allah and fulfill the rights
that are due from a wife to a husband in marriage. If after one’s very best efforts, the
wife still refuses to obey the lawful commands of her husband; then one
has the option to take the next step before contemplating divorce….
- Refuse
to share the bed (conjugate or have sexual intercourse) with one’s wife
for a period of time which will clearly signify to any intelligent and
God-fearing wife the displeasure her conduct and her constant disobedience
is causing her husband in marriage.
If even after this step, the wife refuses to comply, Islam has
given the option to the husband to lightly beat her to signify to his wife
his severe displeasure of her constant disobedience. One should fear Allah their Lord and
exercise this option as an absolute last resort if he sincerely believes
that this light beating of disapproval will help save the marriage.
If after one’s very best and sincere efforts, one finds
that there is absolutely no change and no hope in the attitude and conduct of
one’s wife changing for the better, the believer in Islam is well within his
rights to separate from such a disobedient wife through divorce and seek to
marry a pious God-fearing woman who will fear her Lord and strive to fulfill
her due rights to her husband in the marriage.
Your Question: ….Now I
am so much bugged up that I have decided to either go for an extra marital
affair & I know still I will be at fault in the eyes of Allah.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Israa verse
32:
Do not even go
near ‘zina’ (fornication or adultery) for it is a
very indecent thing and a very evil way!
Dear and beloved brother in Islam, whatever the situation
and condition one may find oneself in, under absolutely no circumstances
whatsoever should one who sincerely fears Allah and the Last Day ever ever ever
contemplate even approaching the abomination of ‘zina’ (adultery)…..for that
would, without an iota of a doubt, invite upon oneself the Unimaginable Wrath,
Anger and Chastisement of Allah Subhanah; and one would have none to blame
except oneself alone!
If one has absolutely saturated all his means to reconcile
with one’s wife without any success, or one is so fed up with the ill-conduct
and the constant disobedience and the usurping of his lawful rights by one’s
wife in marriage that one begins to contemplate the evil abomination and crime
of ‘zina’ only to satisfy his natural physical desire and appetite…..then it
would be best for the husband to divorce his first wife and seek to marry
another woman who will fulfill his rights in marriage.
If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and
commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws),
one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any
other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be
assured of being led astray.
Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only
due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me
alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is
the Only Source of Strength.
Your brother and
well wisher in Islam,
Burhan
Wister