Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

i just cant practice control over my tongue....i mean at times i know im hurting the other person by what im saying but i just can not stop myself.......at times i just say or do things because i know it is gonna make the other person feel bad.......how can i stop myself from doing all this??? 

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Control Tongue

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Beloved sister, the only reason one would abuse another with their tongue is because one is angry or upset at the incident or happenings around them…and one of the natural ways to vent one’s anger is through an abusive ‘tongue’. Thus sister, the key to control the tongue would be to control your anger when you experience the natural emotion of anger……and thus save yourself and the receiving party from anguish and ill feelings.

‘Anger’ like love, sadness, happiness, weeping, etc. is a natural emotion of a human being, and it is possible that at an occurrence or incident one may experience the emotion of anger. Thus when one experiences the natural emotion of anger, there is no sin and one will not be accountable for one’s anger, but what one does or says when one is angry will definitely be taken to account by their Lord All-Mighty. It is the deeds a person does when he is angry that will determine his reward or his punishment in the Sight of Allah Subhanah!

Al-Muwatta Hadith 47.11

Malik related from Ibn Shihab from Humayd ibn Abd ar-Rahman ibn Awf that a man came to the Messenger of Allah (saws) and said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws), teach me some words which I can live by. Do not make them too much for me, lest I forget." The Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "Do not be angry."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 5145 Narrated by Abu Sa'id al-Khudri

Allah's Messenger (saws) mentioned anger, saying, "Some are swift to anger and swift to cool down, the one characteristic making up for the other; some are slow to anger and slow to cool down, the one characteristic making up for the other; but the best of you are those who are slow to anger and swift to cool down, and the worst of you are those who are swift to anger and slow to cool down." He continued, "Beware of anger, for it is a live coal on the heart of the descendant of Adam. Do you not notice the swelling of the veins of his neck and the redness of his eyes? So when anyone experiences anything of that nature he should lie down and cleave to the earth."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 1740 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Mas'ud

The Prophet (saws) said: ‘A believer does not taunt, curse, abuse or talk indecently.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 29 Narrated by Mu'adh ibn Jabal

I said to Allah's Messenger (saws): ‘Inform me about an act which would entitle me to get into Paradise, and remove me away from Hell-Fire.’ He (the Prophet (saws)) said: ‘You have asked me about a matter (which ostensibly appears to be) difficult but it is easy to those for whom Allah, the Exalted, has made it easy. Worship Allah and do not associate anything with him, establish prayer, pay the Zakat, observe the fast of Ramadan and perform Hajj to the (Sacred) House (Ka'bah).’ He (saws) further said: ‘Should I not direct you to the gateways of good? Listen to me: The fasting is a shield against evil, the charity extinguishes (the fire of sin) just as water extinguishes fire.’ Then he (saws) said: ‘Should I not direct you to the highest level of this matter, to the pillar on which (it all rests) and its top?’ I said: ‘O Allah's Messenger (saws) yes, (do tell me).’ He (saws) said: ‘The uppermost level of the matter is al-Islam. Its pillar is the prayer and its top is Jihad.’ He (saws) then said: ‘Should I not inform you of the sheet anchor of all this?’ I said: ‘O Messenger of Allah (saws) (of course do it).’ He (saws) took hold of his tongue and said: ‘Exercise restraint on it.’ I said: ‘O Messenger of Allah (saws), would we be held responsible for what we say with it?’ Thereupon he (saws) said: ‘O Mu'adh, may your mother be bereaved! Will anything else besides (irresponsible, evil, abusive, vain) talk cause the people to be thrown into the Hell-Fire upon their faces or on their nostrils?’

Your Question: how can i stop myself from doing all this???

Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4762 Narrated by Mu'adh ibn Jabal

Two men reviled each other in the presence of the Prophet (saws) and one of them became excessively angry so much so that I thought that his nose will break up on account of excess of anger. The Prophet (saws) said: ‘I know a phrase which, if he repeated, he could get rid of this angry feeling.’ They asked: ‘What is it, O Messenger of Allah (saws)?’ He (saws) replied: ‘He should say: ‘I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Shaytaan.’ Mu'adh then began to ask the man who was angry to do so, but he refused and persisted in quarrelling, and began to enhance his anger.

Dear and Beloved Sister, the emotion of anger is instigated by the accursed enemy of man, the Shaytaan; and as soon as one experiences anger and before he does anything which he regrets, he should first and foremost and immediately seek refuge in Allah The Most High from the accursed Shaytaan by declaring ‘Aoodobillahe minas Shaytaan-ar-rajeem’ (I seek refuge in Allah from the accursed Shaytaan); it is expected that Allah Subhanah will protect the person who sincerely declares this statement from the instigations of the Shaytaan.

If the anger still persists, the Messenger of Allah (saws) guided that the person must immediately sit down if he is standing, and if he is sitting, he should cleave the earth and lie down. (Have you ever seen a person lying down being angry??)

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 5114 Narrated by Abu Dharr

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "When one of you becomes angry while standing he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down."

If that does not work to appease one’s anger, one must perform the ‘wudu’ (ablution); and if the anger still persists after ablution, one should offer a couple of rakah of ‘nafl’ prayers; and if the anger still persists, one should leave the place and go for a walk or a drive.

Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4766 Narrated by Atiyyah as-Sa'di

AbuWa'il al-Qass said: ‘We entered upon Urwah ibn Muhammad ibn as-Sa'di. A man spoke to him and made him angry. So he stood and performed ablution; he then returned and said: “My father told me on the authority of my grandfather Atiyyah who reported the Messenger of Allah (saws) as saying: ‘Anger comes from the Shaytaan, the Shaytaan was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.”’

Beloved Sister, anger is a natural emotion, but what one does or says when one is angry will determine his status and rank in the Sight of Allah Subhanah.

Al-Muwatta Hadith 47.12

Yahya related from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Said ibn al-Musayyab from Abu Hurayra that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said, "A strong person is not the person who throws his adversaries to the ground. A strong person is he who contains himself when he is angry."

Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 4759 Narrated by Mu'adh ibn Jabal

The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: ‘if anyone suppresses anger when he is in a position to give vent to it, Allah, the Exalted, will call him on the Day of Resurrection over the heads of all creatures, and ask him to choose any of the bright and large eyed maidens he wishes.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 5116 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "No one has swallowed back anything more excellent in the sight of Allah, Who is Great and Glorious, than anger he restrains, seeking to please Allah, The Most High."

One amongst the best guidance of the Messenger of Allah Subhanah (saws) to remember before opening one’s mouth and moving one’s tongue to say anything would be:

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.160 Narrated by Abu Huraira

The Prophet (saws) said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should serve his guest generously; and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should unite the bond of kinship (i.e. keep good relation with his kith and kin); and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should talk what is good or keep quiet."

Allah is our witness sister, whenever the Shaytaan inspires your emotion of anger and instigates you to use your tongue to vent that anger, if only you strive to remember and apply the above guidance of the Messenger of Allah (saws) to say what is good or keep absolutely quiet, you will save yourself from sin Insha Allah.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan