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Balance rights between Inlaws and husband

Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

 

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Assalamu Alaikum;

 

I have a marital problem and I am seeking some advice.

 

I am recently married and living with my inlaws (mother, father and two sis in laws). Initially my husband told me that I would be living with my in laws. I didnt have a problem with it as i thought that I would be able to manage. I get along with all my in laws although I am still very shy and cautious around them as I do not want to offend anybody unintentionally.

 

The problem that I am having is with my husband. He is the only son. My parents in law are still in good health and good financial grounding shukr.

 

I don`t see my husband or hear from him throughout the work day as we both work. Saturdays we work on alternate sat (sat that I work he doesn`t and vice versa). So basically the only time that I get with my husband is in the evening and on weekends.

 

I do not need to see to anything in the house as my mother in law sees to everything such as cooking, washing of clothing, cleaning of the house. I try to assist with household activities where i can but there is really not much to do. I really appreciate everything that she does however, I still feel like I should be doing those things for my husband. I want to do for him. My husband is kind and looks after me and buys me if I need anything but I try not to ask too much.

 

On weekends when we do go out we are always going out with his family everywhere even every holiday we are with his family. Our holidays are based on when the rest of the family wants to go and he will never come to me first and ask me: would you like to go at this time? etc. He first goes to his family before asking me how I feel about something.

 

I have tried speaking to him about this and that we need our independence. I have tried too explain to him nicely that we need our alone time and the we cant take his sisters everywhere we go. He gets very angry with me and accuses me of disliking his family, that I am selfish and nasty. He has also told me that he will never leave his family for me.

 

Recently he has started taking me out; just the two of us but now he says he cant` tell his sisters we going out because they will ask to come with and its nasty to say no so he has to lie to them. I have told that there is nothing wrong if we go out alone whenever we want to go out. I also told him that if he tells them his taking his wife out they should understand but always answers me with people don`t understand.

 

When its our alone time at night he will sometimes leave the room and spend upto an hour with his family. Saturday and Sundays during the day we are with the family whole day.

 

The situation has got to a point where I don`t know how to control my emotions. I become sad and quiet and moody and I snap at my husband.

 

To me it seems as if he feels guilty and can`t say no.

 

Am I being unreasonable and selfish.

 

How do I help my husband understand where I am coming from.

 

What can I do to make us both happy.

 

Jazakallah for your time.

 

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Answer:

 

Balance rights between Inlaws and husband

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34: Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means.  Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard (their property, their chastity, their honor, etc.)

 

While Islam has laid several responsibilities and duties upon the believing men as a test in the life of this world (financial, physical, governance, jihad, etc) for an entry into Paradise; Allah Subhanah has balanced the test of duties and responsibilities of the believing women for their entry into Paradise with one supreme responsibility that is equivalent to all the duties of the man!  If the believing woman is successful in this one test, she has been promised Paradise!  And that test of the believing woman is: earning the satisfaction of her husband!

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3254        Narrated by Anas ibn Malik

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the Gates of Paradise she wishes."

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286         Narrated by Umm Salamah

The Prophet (saws) said: If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272        Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

When Allah's Messenger (saws) was asked which woman was best, he (saws) replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves."

  

In light of the guidance of the Quran and the Sunnah, any wife who sincerely wishes to have peace, tranquility, harmony, love and mercy between herself and her husband must be devoutly obedient to her husband!  

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 30 Surah Rum verse 21: And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); Verily, in that are Signs for those who reflect.

 

Thus, if the believers wish to live their married lives with their spouse in peace and harmony and tranquility and love and mercy; the believing man will have to fulfill his responsibilities and duties and give all his rights in full to his family, and the believing woman will have to live her life in absolute obedience to her husband.  If either of the two fall short in any of their responsibilities, love and mercy will give way to oppression and dissension!

 

It is the duty and responsibility of the believing women to figure out what exactly pleases her husband and strive to do those deeds; and ascertain what displeases her husband and absolutely abstain from doing those deeds!  Such is the level of obedience demanded from the believing wife in a righteous marriage, that the Messenger of Allah (saws) said these words in an authentic hadith:

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285         Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

The Prophet (saws) said: Had it been permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband!

 

My dear beloved Sister, you are required as a believer to ensure that your husband is always pleased with you. You should practice patience and perseverance in co-habiting with your in-laws and sisters in law and try your best to keep the peace and harmony of your husband's house intact.

 

Thus regardless of whatever your emotions leave you to act, time and time again the Lord Most Majestic has Guided and Commanded those who believe in Him and the Last Day to strive their absolute utmost to fulfill their deed to the degree of Ehsaan, a degree where the haqq or right of that deed is fulfilled, a degree where that deed cannot possibly be done better than that.that then would be the level of Ehsaan in the Sight of Allah Subhanah!

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 195 (part):

195     and do ehsaan; for Allah loves the muhsineen (those who do their deeds with ehsaan or excellence.)

 

Though you as a wife have rights, it is advisable for you to obey and do what pleases your husband and maintain the peace and maybe save your marriage. This requires great patience and wisdom and InshaAllah you will receive manifold ajr from Allah swt.

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 11 Surah Hud verses 9-11:

9        If We give man a taste of Mercy from Ourselves and then withdraw it from him, behold! He is in despair and (falls into) blasphemy.

10      But if We give him a taste of (Our) favors after adversity hath touched him, He is sure to say "All evil has departed from me!"; behold! He falls into exultation and pride.

11      Not so do those who show sabr (patience and constancy), and work righteousness; for them is forgiveness (of sins) and a great reward.

 

You will get no benefit if you pester your husband and create tension and ask him to spend more quality time with you.

 

If you practice sabr, InshaAllah in time he will respond more favorably. Our sincere advice sister is to bear this situation and make duaa to Allah swt always to give you the strength and patience required and make your trials easy and at all times keep your trust in Allah Subhanah.

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 33 Surah Ahzaab verse 35:

35      For men and women who submit themselves, for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who practice sabr, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women who fast, for men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah's Praise; for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and Great Reward.

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 14 Surah Ibraheem verses 11-12:

11     ..And on Allah let all men of faith put their trust.

12      "No reason have we why we should not put our trust on Allah.  Indeed He has guided us to the Way we (follow).  We shall certainly bear with patience all the hurt you may cause us: for those who put their trust should put their trust on Allah."

 

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is only ones. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

 

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

 

 

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