Wants to marry without parents blessings
Mu' meneen
Brothers and Sisters,
As Salaam Aleikum wa
Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be
upon all of you)
One of our
brothers/sisters has asked this question:
i m reluctantly sendin you on
this add as when I tried to send this qs thru
**********
Salam.
I am in desperate need of your advice. I am a 19 yr old girl and have been
engaged to my cousin who is 24. I would be getting married to him within 3
years. The problem is that we really love each other a lot and fear crossing
the limits. We want to do Nikah but my dad wouldn't
approve it. So we have decided to have nikah without
telling him (my mom would know about it) at the earliest. I don't know what to
think, I am so confused. I know I am not doing something wrong as we are mature
and it's not only our decision but our parents as well (but of course they don't
know we intend getting nikah before marriage). Pls ans this as well as the above
qs accordingly:
1- Who would be the Wali? My father will not be
present there, neither my mom. So whom should we make our Wali?
Pls keep this mind that this Nikah
is just for us, for our satisfaction that we would not do anything that is
forbidden, as then our relationship would be legal. This Nikah is being done because we don't want to do something
physical illegally (as we have done things in the past which we deeply regret and
have promised not to commit that mistake again). We will not be telling about
this nikah to anyone except his friends who would be
the witnesses. I don't understand what to do? We would either have Nikah through phone or Internet, or through court marriage.
Which one do your suggest?
2- Another thing that is bothering me is the mehr.
Usually the bride's father decides the mehr. In my case,
I don't know whom to turn to? My dad once told me that he would take 2-3 months
of my fiance's salary. Is it possible that our Nikah is done without mehr (we
can decide that on RUKHSATI- the day the bride officially leaves her
house?)? I have another qs related to this. Why has Islam asked the father of the
bride to decide mehr? The mehr
is for the bride and will be used by only her, so why isn't there any
involvement of her will in this regard? Why doesn't a father discuss this with
the bride?
3- Now the qs that really depresses me. My fiance
is in the same city where I live, so u can imagine how hard it is for both of
us to resist. My and his family would never be aware of it except his friends
and my mom, so basically people would think I am engaged to him, when in fact
he would be my husband. So Is it possible for us to
have nikah 2 times? Presently, I want to have this nikah secretly, so on the marriage day (which is after 3
yrs), is it possible that just to show that we are officially getting married
THAT DAY(for the first time, like any other couple),
we sign separate nikah papers (starting it all over again)?
Then again, this means we signed our names, had nikah
2 times! Is it acceptable in Islam to go through the procedure again? If not,
then we would have to disclose this secret to our and his parents before my 'rukhsati'. Pls don't advise me to
tell my dad or his parents as they wouldn't understand, and
to be honest with you, we don't even want them to understand.
4- My mom says that I am not supposed to be spending nights with him (sleeping
with my husband) after Nikah. I find this ridiculous,
as I know I can sleep with him, but the problem is WHERE? That is why she says
I can always go out with him but can never spend the night outside my house
before I get married. She thinks a girl can do whatever she likes, but sex is
something, which she should do after her rukhsati. Where
can we possibly have sex????
Please please PLEASE.. I request you to answer me within one week as I am
preparing to do Nikah next month itself. Pls reply individually to this email and not send me the
answers you have given to others in similar position. My decision would be
based on your email, as I look up to for Islamic guidance. Please pray for our
welfare. Thanks and may God reward you for the knowledge you are spreading to
our Muslim brothers and sisters. Ameen.
Note: You can put this qs on
your website, but I would appreciate you sending an email to me to notify that
you have answered my qs.
Desperate 786
(There may be some
grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not
change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our
readers for circulation in confidentiality.)
Answer:
Wants to marry without parents
blessings
In the name of
Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever
Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can
guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no
person, no grave, no prophet, no imam,
no dai,
nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that
Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.
Beloved
sister in Islam, before we start to address your specific questions, please
allow us to put the whole scene in perspective in light of the guidance of the Quran and Sunnah.
Considering
the circumstances and the age both of you are in, your emotions are quite
understandable. And Alhamdolillah,
it is evident from your letter that you indeed fear Allah Subhanah
and don’t want to transgress the boundaries laid down by the Just and Merciful
Lord. May Allah Subhanah
bless you and give you the wisdom and the courage to make a decision which
would derive his Mercy and Pleasure, and abstain from taking any steps which
would incur His Wrath and His Anger.
Firstly,
if you do go ahead with your ‘secret’ Nikaah by
choosing a Wali, determining the Mehr,
and getting two witnesses to the Nikaah contract,
etc.; although you might be following the letter of the Islamic Law, you will
not be following the spirit of the Shariah. The sacred bond of marriage is not a game or
a play, but a decision which could have severe consequences in one’s whole
life; and that is precisely why, Islam has guided the believers to make this
decision in consultation with one’s parents and elders. The Nikaah and the Walima feast that follows is basically an announcement to
society at large that two people have chosen to live the rest of their lives in
sacred matrimony. But if one decides to
marry in secret without informing one’s parents or elders, and keeps it hidden
from the society at large just so that the two of them can enjoy conjugal
relationships within the law would indeed not be correct and in the spirit of
the Shariah Law.
You might
have seen many cases where two people are engaged or perform Nikaah, but when they start knowing each other closely,
they realize that there is a gulf of difference between the two and it would be
difficult to live with each other; and they decide to separate now rather than
go through with their decision to live together for the rest of their lives!
Although
you have specifically instructed us not to give you the advice to talk to your
father, we have absolutely no option, but as your sincere well wishers, to give
you the very same advice! You could get
someone close to him to talk to him, or approach one of his friends or someone
he trusts and try to make him convince your parents to get you married to your
fiancé as soon as possible.
Now to
your specific questions:
Q-1: Who would be the Wali?
My father will not be present there, neither my mom. So whom
should we make our Wali? Pls
keep this mind that this Nikah is just for us, for
our satisfaction that we would not do anything that is forbidden, as then our
relationship would be legal. This Nikah is
being done because we don't want to do something physical illegally (as we
have done things in the past which we deeply regret and have promised not to
commit that mistake again). We will not be telling about this nikah to anyone except his friends who would be the
witnesses. I don't understand what to do? We would either have Nikah through phone or Internet, or through court marriage.
Which one do your suggest?
The Wali, in normal circumstances would be the bride’s father;
but if for any valid reason he is unable to attend any male elder of the family
can be made the Wali of the bride. If absolutely none
is available, the Qadi or the Judge can become the Wali himself and give the girl in marriage.
We again
humbly advice and recommend that you should not go ahead with the secret marriage;
for it would neither be righteous in the Sight of Allah Subhanah,
nor in the sight of the families and society.
Our sincere suggestion would be to have a proper Nikkah
with the blessing of the elders of both the families. That would be the best and most righteous
way.
Q-2: - Another thing that is
bothering me is the mehr. Usually the bride's father
decides the mehr. In my case, I don't know whom to
turn to? My dad once told me that he would take 2-3 months of my fiance's salary. Is it possible that our Nikah is done without mehr (we
can decide that on RUKHSATI- the day the bride officially leaves her
house?)? I have another qs related to this. Why has Islam asked the father of the
bride to decide mehr? The mehr
is for the bride and will be used by only her, so why isn't there any
involvement of her will in this regard? Why doesn't a father discuss this with
the bride?
Allah Subhanah has declared ‘mehr’ an
obligatory condition of marriage; that the man fix and gift an amount to his
wife, according to his means or
according to his wife’s demand, at the
time of marriage.
Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 4: And give the
women (on marriage) their dower as a free gift; but if they of their own good
pleasure remit any part of it to you , take it and enjoy it with right good
cheer.
The
amount of Mehr is not fixed in Shariah. A rich man may offer according to his status
and a poor man according to his status; and a woman may accept or demand more
according to her wish. It is something
that is offered by the man according to his status, and accepted or rejected by the
proposed bride if she wishes to do so.
The
decision of the amount to offer is made by the groom, and the bride has the right to accept
or reject it. Although the bride has the
final say and authority on the matter, it would be righteousness on the part of
the bride to consult her father or her elders regarding the determination of mehr.
Q-2A: Is it possible that our Nikah is done without mehr (we
can decide that on RUKHSATI- the day the bride officially leaves her house?)?
Allah Subhanah has declared the determination of the ‘mehr’ an obligatory condition of marriage, so that the
rights of the girl are protected; thus a Nikaah
without any determination of ‘mehr’ would be invalid
in the sight of Shariah.
Once the ‘mehr’ amount is accepted by the bride, it is better and purer for the man to
pay her immediately. If he cannot
afford to pay her immediately, and if his proposed wife agrees, he may pay her at a later date or in
installments. But it is an obligatory
condition of marriage that the amount of mehr be
determined before the Nikaah is performed.
If the groom is
very poor, and if the bride is willing to accept it of her own free will, the ‘mehr’ can even be as simple as the declaration of the ‘Shahaadah’, or two sandals, or even as meager as two
handfuls or flour or dates!
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith
3209 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik
AbuTalhah married Umm Sulaym,
the Mehr between them being acceptance of Islam. Umm Sulaym had become a Muslim before AbuTalhah,
and when he asked her in marriage she said, "I have become a Muslim, so if
you become one I shall marry you." He then accepted Islam and that was the
Mehr arranged between them.
Al-Tirmidhi Hadith
3206 Narrated by Amir ibn Rabi'ah
A woman of the Banu Fazarah
was married for a dower of two sandals. When Allah's Messenger (saws) asked
whether she was satisfied with two sandals regarding her person and her
property and she replied that she was, he gave his approval.
Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 2105 Narrated
by Jabir ibn Abdullah
The Prophet (saws) said: “If anyone gives as a dower to his wife
two handfuls of flour or dates he has made her lawful for him.
Q-2B: Why has Islam asked
the father of the bride to decide mehr? The mehr is for the bride and will be used by only her, so why
isn't there any involvement of her will in this regard? Why doesn't a father
discuss this with the bride?
Islam has given the
bride the final authority in the acceptance of the Mehr;
and the father or the elder guardians of the bride may act as consultants to
the bride in determining the amount of the Mehr. If the father agrees on an amount of Mehr, and the woman does not accept it; the Nikaah ceremony cannot be fulfilled in the sight of Shariah. Only if the
woman declares her acceptance, can the Nikaah
ceremony be performed in the sight of Shariah.
Q-3: Now the qs that
really depresses me. My fiance is in the same city
where I live, so u can imagine how hard it is for both of us to resist. My and
his family would never be aware of it except his friends and my mom, so
basically people would think I am engaged to him, when in fact he would be my
husband. So Is it possible for us to have nikah 2 times? Presently, I want to have this nikah secretly, so on the marriage day (which is after 3
yrs), is it possible that just
to show that we are officially getting married THAT DAY(for
the first time, like any other couple), we sign separate nikah
papers (starting it all over again)? Then again, this means we signed our names, had nikah 2 times! Is it acceptable in Islam to go through the
procedure again? If not, then we would have to disclose this secret to our and
his parents before my 'rukhsati'. Pls
don't advise me to tell my dad or his parents as they wouldn't understand, and
to be honest with you, we don't even want them to understand.
The first Nikaah would more than suffice; thus doing a bogus Nikaah the second time around would be tantamount to making
a mockery of the Shariah Laws and System! Besides, if ever your family and the family
of your in-laws find out about your first Nikaah, it
might have implications in your future married life with your in-laws.
Your suggestion
of announcing the first Nikaah to the parents and
elders at the time of Rukhsati would be possible; but
absolutely not adviseable.
Your Question 4: My
mom says that I am not supposed to be spending nights with him (sleeping with
my husband) after Nikah. I find this ridiculous, as I
know I can sleep with him, but the problem is WHERE? That is why she says I can
always go out with him but can never spend the night outside my house before I
get married. She thinks a girl can do whatever she likes, but sex is something,
which she should do after her rukhsati. Where can we
possibly have sex????
Once your Nikaah is done, you and your husband are absolutely legal
for each other. Your mother’s advice is not a ‘shariah’ guidance, but
simply a recommendation from a doting parent.
May Allah Subhanah give you the patience and the wisdom and the
courage to make the right decisions in this trial of yours, and guide you to
the way that is pleasing and acceptable to Him. Ameen.
Whatever
written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance,
and whatever of error is of me. Allah
Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.
Your Brother in Islam,
Wister