Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Salamalykum.Dear brother i like a girl from 8 years to marry but due to my circumstances i could not marry.Now when i am able to marry her and i told to my parents ,they rejected and got angry because she does not belong to my cast and region.I am very much confused because i dont want to disobey my parents and at the same time i also dont want to hurt her.?

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

Answer:

Marriage and parents

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:

Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verse 14:

14 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 46 Surah Ahqaaf verses 15-17:

15 We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: in pain did his mother bear him and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length when he reaches the age of full strength and attains forty years he says "O my Lord! grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favor which Thou hast bestowed upon me and upon both my parents and that I may work righteousness such as Thou mayest approve; and be gracious to me in my issue. Truly have I turned to Thee and truly do I bow (to Thee) in Islam."

16 Such are they from whom We shall accept the best of their deeds and pass by their ill deeds: (they shall be) among the Companions of the Garden: a promise of truth which was made to them (in this life).

17 But (there is one) who says to his parents "Fie on you! Do ye hold out the promise to me that I shall be raised up even though generations have passed before me (without rising again)? " And they two seek Allah's aid (and rebuke the son): "Woe to thee! Have Faith! For the promise of Allah is True." But he says "This is nothing but tales of the ancients!"

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 6 Surah Anaam verse 151:

151 Say: "Come I will rehearse what Allah hath (really) prohibited you from": join not anything as equal with Him; be good to your parents: kill not your children on a plea of want; We provide sustenance for you and for them; come not nigh to shameful deeds whether open or secret; take not life which Allah hath made sacred except by way of justice and law: thus doth He command you that ye may learn wisdom.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 36:

36 Serve Allah and join not any partners with Him: and do good to parents kinsfolk orphans those in need neighbors who are near neighbors who are strangers the companion by your side the way-farer (ye meet) and what your right hands possess: for Allah loveth not the arrogant the vainglorious;

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 215:

215 They ask thee what they should spend (in charity). Say: ‘Whatever ye spend that is good is for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for wayfarers. And whatever ye do that is good Allah knoweth it well.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah

A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise or your Hell."

Sahih Muslim Hadith 6189 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘Let him be humbled into dust! Let him be humbled into dust!’ It was said: ‘O Allah's Messenger (saws), who is he?’ He (saws) said: ‘He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise (through his deeds of service towards them)!’

Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 5120 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Hayadah

I asked: ‘O Messenger of Allah(saws)! To whom should I show kindness most?’ He (saws) replied: ‘Your mother.’ I asked (again): ‘Who next?’. He (saws) replied: ‘Your mother!’. I asked: ‘Who next?’ He (saws) replied: ‘Your mother!’ I asked again: ‘Who next?’ and he (saws) replied: ‘Your father, and then your relatives in order of relationship.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4939 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Jahimah

Jahimah came to the Prophet (saws) and said, "Messenger of Allah (saws), I desire to go on a military expedition and I have come to consult you. He (saws) asked him if he had a mother, and when he replied that he had, he (saws) said, "Stay with her, for Paradise is at her feet."

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.18 Narrated by Aisha

The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his bonds of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him!"

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas

The Prophet (saws) was asked about the ‘Kabair’ (the absolute gravest sins in the Sight of Allah). He (saws) replied: "They are:--

To join others in worship with Allah,

To be undutiful to one's parents,

To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill) (i.e. to commit the crime of murder),

And to give a false witness."

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the Great Sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3653 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr

The Prophet (saws) said, "An undutiful son, a gambler, one who casts up what he has given, and one who is addicted to wine will not enter Paradise."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3655 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "There are three people to whom Allah has forbidden Paradise: one who is addicted to wine, an undutiful son, and a cuckold who agrees to his womenfolk's adultery."

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 1.505 Narrated by Abdullah

I asked the Prophet (saws): "Which deed is the dearest to Allah?" He (saws) replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is the next (in goodness)?" He (saws) replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I again asked, "What is the next (in goodness)?" He (saws) replied, "To participate in Jihad (religious fighting) in Allah's cause." 'Abdullah added, "I asked only that much and if I had asked more, the Prophet (saws) would have told me more."

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.4 Narrated by Abdullah bin Amr

Allah's Messenger (saws) said. "It is one of the greatest sins that a man should curse his parents."

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 9.9 Narrated by Abdullah bin Amr

The Prophet said, "Al-Kaba'ir (the biggest sins) are: “To join others (as partners) in worship with Allah, to be undutiful to one's parents,and to take a false oath."

Your Question: I am very much confused because i dont want to disobey my parents and at the same time i also dont want to hurt her.? 

Dear and beloved brother in Islam, one cannot over-emphasize the importance and significance of the enjoinment of obedience to one’s parents by Allah and His Messenger (saws) in Islam!

Beloved brother in Islam, if you can, with extreme tenderness, kindness, humility, and politeness convince your parents to consent to your choice….then marry the girl of your choice with your parent’s blessings; but if after your very best efforts they still do not give their consent and the only option left is that you will hurt one of the two….your parents or the girl you wish to marry….then it would only be righteousness and piety on your part in the Sight of Allah Subhanah that you do not disobey, leave alone hurt your beloved parents!

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928 Narrated byAbud Darda

When a man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he had heard Allah's Messenger (saws) say, "A parent is the best of the gates of Paradise; so if you wish, keep to the gate, or lose it."

Dear and beloved brother in Islam, marriage is only a Sunnah (optional) in Islam, but obedience to one’s parents is what is known as ‘fard-ayn’ or absolutely and (almost) unconditionally obligatory upon each and every individual who professes belief in Allah and the Last Day!

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 216:

216 ……But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth and ye know not.

If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan