Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

It is actually a situation. I am in the Gulf, my father recently passed away, my married sister and her daughter are with my mother now, since all is not well between her and her husband. My mother is a very strict and demanding. Besides she has a very soft corner for my sister. I never wanted to come to the Gulf, but now since my father has passed away i cannot look at a career change immediately.

The question is i with my 9 months pregnant wife and 3 year old kid, we had been to India since my father passed away and then due to certain demands of my mother had to leave the house, in such a situation. Now my mother says i cannot take my wife and 2 kids back to the Gulf for it is the responsbility of my wife to take care of her.

Though i am working as a manager in the gulf, they permit us only 30 days annual leave. Will i be doing justice to my wife and 2 small kids by being a husband and father to them for only 30 days every year. Honestly i cannot live without them, i have been away from them only for 2 months and i am going crazy, it is by the grace of Allah that i have been able to handle my fathers death and this living apart from my wife and children of 3 years and 3 months.

Besides if i bring my family to be with me in the Gulf and let my sister take care of our mother, for she is already staying at our place due to her situation with her husband. Besides with regards to all the family expenses i am sending them money every month, both for our mother and for my sister and her daughter.

Please do advise on this complex situation. It is not that i cannot make a decision, but i want to make a decicion which is acceptable to our Allah.
One side i have responsbilities towards my wife and children, while on the other side, my mother has the greatest right over me. 

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Answer:

Balance of rights mother wife

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:

Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verse 14:

14 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 46 Surah Ahqaaf verses 15-17:

15 We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: in pain did his mother bear him and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length when he reaches the age of full strength and attains forty years he says "O my Lord! grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favor which Thou hast bestowed upon me and upon both my parents and that I may work righteousness such as Thou mayest approve; and be gracious to me in my issue. Truly have I turned to Thee and truly do I bow (to Thee) in Islam."

16 Such are they from whom We shall accept the best of their deeds and pass by their ill deeds: (they shall be) among the Companions of the Garden: a promise of truth which was made to them (in this life).

17 But (there is one) who says to his parents "Fie on you! Do ye hold out the promise to me that I shall be raised up even though generations have passed before me (without rising again)? " And they two seek Allah's aid (and rebuke the son): "Woe to thee! Have Faith! For the promise of Allah is True." But he says "This is nothing but tales of the ancients!"

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 6 Surah Anaam verse 151:

151 Say: "Come I will rehearse what Allah hath (really) prohibited you from": join not anything as equal with Him; be good to your parents: kill not your children on a plea of want; We provide sustenance for you and for them; come not nigh to shameful deeds whether open or secret; take not life which Allah hath made sacred except by way of justice and law: thus doth He command you that ye may learn wisdom.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 36:

36 Serve Allah and join not any partners with Him: and do good to parents kinsfolk orphans those in need neighbors who are near neighbors who are strangers the companion by your side the way-farer (ye meet) and what your right hands possess: for Allah loveth not the arrogant the vainglorious;

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 215:

215 They ask thee what they should spend (in charity). Say: ‘Whatever ye spend that is good is for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for wayfarers. And whatever ye do that is good Allah knoweth it well.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah

A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise or your Hell."

Sahih Muslim Hadith 6189 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: ‘Let him be humbled into dust! Let him be humbled into dust!’ It was said: ‘O Allah's Messenger (saws), who is he?’ He (saws) said: ‘He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise (through his deeds of service towards them)!’

Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 5120 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Hayadah

I asked: ‘O Messenger of Allah(saws)! To whom should I show kindness most?’ He (saws) replied: ‘Your mother.’ I asked (again): ‘Who next?’. He (saws) replied: ‘Your mother!’. I asked: ‘Who next?’ He (saws) replied: ‘Your mother!’ I asked again: ‘Who next?’ and he (saws) replied: ‘Your father, and then your relatives in order of relationship.’

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4939 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Jahimah

Jahimah came to the Prophet (saws) and said, "Messenger of Allah (saws), I desire to go on a military expedition and I have come to consult you. He (saws) asked him if he had a mother, and when he replied that he had, he (saws) said, "Stay with her, for Paradise is at her feet."

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.18 Narrated by Aisha

The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his bonds of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him!"

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the Great Sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3655 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "There are three people to whom Allah has forbidden Paradise: one who is addicted to wine, an undutiful son, and a cuckold who agrees to his womenfolk's adultery."

Dear and beloved brother in Islam, one cannot over-emphasize the importance and significance of the enjoinment of service to one’s parents by Allah and His Messenger (saws) in Islam! In addition to the service of one’s parents, Islam has also made it an obligatory duty of the man to fulfill his lawful rights due to his wife and children; and piety and righteousness dictates that one fear Allah their Lord, and strive to fulfill the due rights of each party in full without effecting or usurping the rights of the other.

The wife is not duty bound or obligated by Shariah to serve her husband’s parents (in-laws) in any way whatsoever, but if she, of her own will and pleasure, chooses and wishes to serve her in-laws, she would be doing a virtuous deed of ‘ehsaan’ (over and above her duty), and the husband and his family should be extremely grateful and appreciative for her efforts……the duty to serve one’s parents in Islam is laid squarely upon the off-springs of the parents.

The parents of the husband do not have a right in Islam to demand that their son’s wife stay away from her husband and serve them; it is the son’s absolutely obligatory duty to make sure that either he himself serves his parents, or he hires or arranges for a servant to serve their needs, or he makes the necessary provisions to serve his parents until they are completely satisfied.

Under the given conditions, the lawful options in Shariah available to you are:

1. Either return to your home country and live and serve your mother there, or bring your mother to the nation where you work and serve her.
2. If that is not possible, then arrange and provide for a servant to serve your mother.
3. With absolute and utter humility, patience, kindness, tenderness, and above all wisdom, explain to your mother that her demand to keep his wife against her will to serve her, or to demand that the wife live away from her husband for a prolonged period of time is injustice to the rights of the wife in the Sight of Allah Subhanah.

In conclusion brother, we reiterate again that one has due rights to both, one’s parents and one’s wife (and children)….and piety and righteousness in the Sight of Allah Subhanah would be to completely fulfill the rights of each party without effecting the rights of the other. If Allah forbid, the rights of any party are compromised or marginalized, you will indeed be held severely accountable in the Court of Allah Subhanah for unjustly usurping the rights that were due from you.

If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Burhan