Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

aslamalekum,i am 24 year woman who has seen life subjected to parents fights and quarrels.bering grownup i know who is righteous in love that is my father.i am of marriagable age but could not think of normal life as the whole relation is seen as competition.my mother abhorrs me and takes revenge very badly for having love towards my father.in such case what would shariat advice.

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Answer:

Love between father and mother

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad(saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Unfortunately in some households, when either one or both of the parents seemingly constantly bring their quarrels and their fights and abuses in front of their innocent children, it almost always leaves a lasting effect on their minds. Because of the perfect nature that Allah bestows on every child, it is only natural that the child will make a judgment on who is the oppressor and who is the oppressed, and will almost always side with justice and towards the one is being oppressed.

Allah Subhanah has granted both the mother and father a high and lofty status in Islam, and commanded their children to love, respect, revere, be humble, and obey them both. As the child grows towards adulthood, he will realize that his parents are like his two eyes; and it would be difficult to choose or side with one of them.

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24: Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”

Islam guides the children to revere and obey both their parents, regardless of the relationship between the parents. If at any time a quarrel between the parents arises, it is the duty of the children to not take sides with one of them and abuse or dishonor the other; but rather try their utmost to pacify the situation, and let them sort out their differences between them.

If for any reason the children takes sides with one and abuses or dishonors the other, they will be guilty of disobedience to parents in the sight of the Lord. No matter what the parents do amongst themselves, it is incumbent upon the children to respect and revere and honor and be obedient to both of them to the best of their ability.

Your Statement: my mother abhorrs me and takes revenge very badly for having love towards my father

Beloved sister in Islam, no matter what your mother says or does towards you, have patience and ‘lower your wings of humility’ unto her and obey this command of Allah Subhanah:

Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say ‘uff’ to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, “O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.”

We repeat again, no matter how badly you think your mother treats you, no matter what she says and does towards you, it is your duty to remain patient and not even say ‘uff’ to her! That is the level of obedience and patience the Lord has commanded for the believing children towards their parents for all the sacrifices their parents have given for them!

Regardless of whether the children themselves attain the age of 50 or 70 or 90; as long as one or both of their parents are alive, they shall remain humble and obedient to them.

Your Statement: i am of marriagable age but could not think of normal life as the whole relation is seen as competition

Unfortunately this constant competition in the house between husband and wife is the curse this modern-educated-ignorant-civilized society has laden upon its citizens! Whereas they advocate one President in each country, one CEO in each company, one Commander-in-Chief for the armed forces, one Principal in the school, etc.; these same ignorant people have partially succeeded in implanting and advocating two ‘leaders’ in each house! The only ones who are truly saved from this curse are the ones who sincerely follow the Guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws), fear Allah, and strive to live their lives within the boundaries laid down by their Creator.

Thus one has to be extra careful when choosing one’s life partner in these trying and un-Godly times, and strive to stay close to the guidance of Allah and His Messenger (saws).

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 7.27 Narrated by Abu Huraira

The Prophet (saws) said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser."

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3090 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.'

One may be the most handsome, the wealthiest, and a Prince to the throne in this world; but if he does not fear Allah Subhanah and does not live within the boundaries of Islam; the girl who marries him will never be truly successful. Similarly, if one is the most beautiful and richest Princess in this world, but if she does not fear Allah and does not live within the boundaries of Islam, he who marries her will never be truly successful.

The Messenger of Allah (saws) advised the believers to marry righteous, God-fearing woman; and advised the believing woman to seek a righteous and God-fearing man in marriage… and the ones who heed to this Glorious Advice are the ones who will have peace, tranquility, and harmony: not only in the transitory life of this world, but also in the everlasting life of the Hereafter!

One only has to take a glance at the matrimonial ads today to see the depth of decadence the society has fallen into! One would be lucky to find one in a million ads which would say religious or God-fearing! All the others, whether seeking marriage or proposing, would state the height, the complexion, the level of education, the sect, the wealth, the country of residence, etc.!!!! If these are the criteria whereby one chooses his/her life partner, one should not be surprised at the results these criteria bring to ‘civilized’ societies!!!

A simple solution to this complex situation is offered in the most beautiful way by the Messenger of Allah (saws)! Take his (saws’) advice and taste peace; or leave it and taste uproar!

If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), he can be assured of being led astray.

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allah’s Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your Brother in Islam,

Burhan