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How to deal with upset parents.

Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

 

One of our brothers/sisters has asked this question:

Aslam Walakum

Dear Brother I have got ur reply for the first question but it is since even after going ahead and getting married without my parents but yet till today i contact them and speak to them. but some time they speak to me properly  and some times they dont speak to me at all.

now they have kept a condition in front of me that if i want to speak to them i have to leave my wife and my small kid who is not even 1 year old. i even told them i am sorry for what i have done but their condition is the same.i dont know what to do. i am in a complete messed up sitiuation.some times i feel like just ending my life because i cannot take the tension any more. i am really tensed up and i always keep thinking  that what will happen next i even tend to get furtrated.

i also want to ask you its my fathers birthday on the 30th of Jan. should i call up to wish him  but if i call up my father will not speak and even if he speak to me he will keep the condition in front of me.

 

I NEED YOUR HELP DESPARTELY.

 

(There may be some grammatical and spelling errors in the above statement. The forum does not change anything from questions, comments and statements received from our readers for circulation in confidentiality.)

 

Answer:

 

How to deal with upset parents

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

 

Dear and beloved brother in Islam, one cannot over-emphasize the importance and significance of serving and being dutiful unto ones parents in Islam, especially when they have been blessed by the Lord to attain old age.

 

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:

Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say uff to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.

 

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verse 14:

14 And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.

 

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 46 Surah Ahqaaf verses 15-16:

15 We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: in pain did his mother bear him and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length when he reaches the age of full strength and attains forty years he says "O my Lord! grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favor which Thou hast bestowed upon me and upon both my parents and that I may work righteousness such as Thou mayest approve; and be gracious to me in my issue. Truly have I turned to Thee and truly do I bow (to Thee) in Islam."


16 Such are they from whom We shall accept the best of their deeds and pass by their ill deeds: (they shall be) among the Companions of the Garden: a promise of truth which was made to them (in this life).

 

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 215:

215 They ask thee what they should spend (in charity). Say: Whatever ye spend that is good is for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for wayfarers. And whatever ye do that is good Allah knoweth it well.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated by Abu Umamah

A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws), what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise or your Hell."

 

Sahih Muslim Hadith 6189 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: Let him be humbled into dust! Let him be humbled into dust! It was said: O Allah's Messenger (saws), who is he? He (saws) said: He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise (through his deeds of service towards them)!

 

Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 5120 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Hayadah

I asked: O Messenger of Allah(saws)! To whom should I show kindness most? He (saws) replied: Your mother. I asked (again): Who next?. He (saws) replied: Your mother!. I asked: Who next? He (saws) replied: Your mother! I asked again: Who next? and he (saws) replied: Your father, and then your relatives in order of relationship.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4939 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Jahimah

Jahimah came to the Prophet (saws) and said, "Messenger of Allah (saws), I desire to go on a military expedition and I have come to consult you. He (saws) asked him if he had a mother, and when he replied that he had, he (saws) said, "Stay with her, for Paradise is at her feet."

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.18 Narrated by Aisha

The Prophet (saws) said: "The word 'Ar-Rahm' (womb) derives its name from 'Ar-Rahman' (i.e. Allah). So whosoever keeps good relations with it (womb i.e. kith and kin), Allah will keep good relations with him, and whosoever will sever it (i.e. severs his bonds of kith and kin) Allah too will sever His relations with him!"

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.290 Narrated by Abu Bakra

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "Shall I inform you of the biggest of the Great Sins?" They said, "Yes, O Allah's Messenger (saws)!" He (saws) said, "To join partners in worship with Allah, and to be undutiful to one's parents."

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 1.505 Narrated by Abdullah

I asked the Prophet (saws): "Which deed is the dearest to Allah?" He (saws) replied, "To offer the prayers at their early stated fixed times." I asked, "What is the next (in goodness)?" He (saws) replied, "To be good and dutiful to your parents." I again asked, "What is the next (in goodness)?" He (saws) replied, "To participate in Jihad (religious fighting) in Allah's cause." 'Abdullah added, "I asked only that much and if I had asked more, the Prophet (saws) would have told me more."

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 4.248 Narrated byAbdullah bin Amr

A man came to the Prophet asking his permission to take part in Jihad. The Prophet asked him, "Are your parents alive?" He replied in the affirmative. The Prophet said to him, "Then exert yourself in their service."

 

Your Question:i also want to ask you its my fathers birthday on the 30th of Jan. should i call up to wish him  but if i call up my father will not speak and even if he speak to me he will keep the condition in front of me.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 13 Surah Ar-Raad verse 25:

As for those who break their covenant with Allah after confirming it, who cut asunder relationships which Allah has bidden to be joined, and spread chaos on the earth, theirs shall be the curse, and they shall have a wretched abode in the Hereafter.

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Bakarah verse 27:

And He leads astray only those who disobey Allah, who break Allahs covenant after ratifying it, who cut asunder relationships what Allah has ordered to be joined, and who produce chaos on the Earth. These are indeed the people who are the losers.

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.17 Narrated by Abu Huraira

The Prophet (saws) said, "The word 'Ar-Rahm (womb) derives its name from Ar-Rahman (i.e., one of the names of Allah) and Allah said: 'I will keep good relation with the one who will keep good relation with you (the womb, i.e. kith and kin), and sever the relation with him who will sever the relation with you (the womb, i.e. kith and kin).

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.15 Narrated by Anas bin Malik

Allah 's Messenger (saws) said, "Whoever loves that he be granted more wealth and that his lease of life be prolonged, then he should keep good relations with his kith and kin."

 

My dear and respected brother, regardless of whatever you might have done in your past to gain the displeasure of your parents, under absolutely no circumstances would it be lawful for you or them to break the ties of blood relationship which Allah Subhanah Himself has created.

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 8.20 Narrated by Abdullah bin Amr

The Prophet (saws) said, "Al-Wasil (the one who does good to his relatives) is not he who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but Al-Wasil is he who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him."

 

Respected brother, you do not have to wait for an occasion to call, contact, and strive your absolute utmost to serve your parents. If you find that your parents are still upset at your deeds of the past and refuse to talk to you or meet you.or in their state of displeasure they choose to abuse or revile you.you remain absolutely patient and speak to them in utmost humility and kindness and tenderness. If they refuse to take your call, call them again the next day, and again the next day, and again the next dayand continue to seek their forgiveness until you break their resolve to sever their relationship with you..that would be akin to piety and righteousness on your part in the Sight of your Lord.

 

If one trusts, obeys, and follows the guidance and commands of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of never ever being misled; but if one believes, obeys and follows any other guidance, other than that of Allah and His Messenger (saws), one can be assured of being led astray.

 

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

 

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

 

 

Burhan

 


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