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There is some confusion in my mind for about women role in different matters

Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.  (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

 

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Assalam a likum!

Hope you find this email in good health . Brother , I am married since 3 years Allhamdulliah .There is some confusion in my mind for about women role in different matters Please tell me if husband is more diverted to his mother than wife and always in mind that his mother is right? What should husband do ,keeping a good relation with both mother and wife ?What is a women role being a good daughter in law according to quran ,is duaghter in law scarifized always to make mother in law happy ? Is scarification is to kill inner human being and say yes mam always ? Is being a woemn there is no place to show our feelings of what we need ? In short ,what is the women role being a mother ,wife and daughter .Please clarify me in detail as I think that Kill inner feelings is the role model for being a good women in every relation

 

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Answer:

 

Role of wife mother in law

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is no one (no idol, no person, no grave, no prophet, no imam, no dai, nobody!) worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

 

Your Question: Please tell me if husband is more diverted to his mother than wife and always in mind that his mother is right?

Allah says in the Holy Quran Chapter 17 Surah Bani Israel verses 23-24:

Your Lord has enjoined the following: You should not worship anyone but Him Alone! Treat your parents with great kindness; if either or both of them attain old age, do not even say uff to them; nor rebuke them; but speak to them kind words. Treat them with humility and tenderness and pray, O our Lord, be merciful to them, just as they brought me up with kindness and affection in my childhood.

 

After the rights due to Allah Subhanah, in Islam the biggest rights in all mankind is due to ones parents. And after the rights of parents, is the rights of near relatives, far relatives, muslims, neighbors, etc. In Islam, the law is that one must give all the rights due to each, without effecting the rights of others.

 

For instance, one cannot take away the right due to ones parents, and give them to our wives and children. Neither can one take away the rights of the wives and children and give them to his parents. There should be a proper balance, and a muslim, who indeed fears Allah and the Last Day, should give each party its rights without effecting the rights of the other. Conversely, neither should a parent demand that their son take the rights due to his wife and give it to them; and neither should the wife demand that her husband take the rights that are due to his parents and give them to her!

 

Dear and beloved sister, such is the importance and significance Islam has laid upon the service of ones parentsthat the relation of the off-spring with their parents will determine whether one enters Paradise or Hell Fire!!! Provided the husband is not blatantly abusing and usurping the lawful rights of his wife, the wife should accept that her husbands first loyalty will always be with his parents.

 

Sahih Al-Bukhari Hadith 3.821 Narrated by Anas

The Prophet (saws) was asked about the Grave Sins, and He (saws) replied, "They are:--

(1 ) To join others in worship with Allah,

(2) To be undutiful to one's parents,

(3) To kill a person (which Allah has forbidden to kill)

(4) And to give a false witness."

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4941 Narrated byAbu Umamah

A man said, "O Messenger of Allah (saws) what rights can parents demand from their children?" He (saws) replied, "They are (or your relation with them will determine) your Paradise and your Hell!"

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3653 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr

The Prophet (saws) said, "An undutiful son, a gambler, one who casts up what he has given, and one who is addicted to wine will not enter Paradise."

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3655 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Umar

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "There are three people to whom Allah has forbidden Paradise: one who is addicted to wine, an undutiful son, and a cuckold who agrees to his womenfolk's adultery."

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4933 Narrated by Abdullah ibn Amr

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "He who casts up the favours he has done, he who is disobedient to parents, and he who is addicted to wine will not enter Paradise."

 

Sahih Muslim Hadith 6189 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

Allah's Messenger (saws) said: Let him be humbled into dust! Let him be humbled into dust! It was said: O Allah's Messenger (saws), who is he? He (saws) said: He who sees either of his parents during their old age or he sees both of them, but he does not enter Paradise!

 

The wife today will tomorrow be a mother..Would the wife not like that one day when she is old, her own children treat her with the utmost respect, and honor, and kindness, and tenderness..and give her more preference and importance than everyone else???

 

Your Question: What should husband do ,keeping a good relation with both mother and wife ?

The absolute best thing a pious and God-fearing husband can and should do is to fear Allah His Lord, and make sure he gives every single right due to his parents without effecting the rights due to his wife.and give every single right due to his wife, without effecting the right due to his parents.

 

The parents and the wife too must fear Allah, be reasonable, and not demand of the person they both love to steal anothers rights and give it to them!

 

If the situation is absolutely unbearable, and Allah forbid, the person is put in a situation whereby he has to choose between his parents and his wife.then Islam guides that the person always choose his parents above anything and everything else..

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4928 Narrated by Abud Darda

When a man came to him and said, "I have a wife whom my mother commands me to divorce," he replied to him that he had heard Allah's Messenger (saws) say, "A parent is the best of the gates of Paradise; so if you wish, keep to the gate, or lose it!"

 

As long as the rights of the wife are not blatantly and openly abused and usurped by her husband, she must realize and accept that the first and prime loyalty of her husband will and should always remain with the service of his parents.

 


Your Question: What is a women role being a good daughter in law according to quran

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34:

34 Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard (their modesty and chastity, the honor and property of their husband, etc.)

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 286 Narrated by Umm Salamah

The Prophet (saws) said: If a woman dies while her husband was pleased with her, she will enter Paradise.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3272 Narrated by Abu Hurayrah

When Allah's Messenger (saws) was asked which woman was best he replied, "The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command, and does not go against his wishes regarding her person or property by doing anything of which he disapproves."

 

In light of the guidance of the Quran and the Sunnah, the wife has absolutely no duty and responsibility laid upon her by Islam towards her husbands family or in-laws, including the husbands parents, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, etc. The responsibility and duty that Islam has laid upon the believing wife is only towards making sure that her husband is pleased and satisfied with her in every aspect of her life!

 

Thus, in essence, if a believing woman worships Allah Subhanah as He Alone deserves to be worshipped, preserves her chastity, and strives to the best of her ability to please her husband, the Messenger of Allah (saws) declared that she will be given the honor to enter the Eternal Gardens of Paradise by the gates of her choice!

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 3254 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik

Allah's Messenger (saws) said, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of Paradise she wishes."

 

Having said that she has absolutely no responsibility towards her husbands family, does not in any way mean or imply that she is allowed to be rude, or disrespectful, or dishonor them in any way. She must at all times strive to develop good cordial relations with her in-laws.

 

But if the believing woman does, of her own free will, serve the parents or family of her husband, she would be doing a deed of ehsaan, a deed which would be over and above her duties and responsibilities; and Allah Subhanah has time and again declared in the Glorious Quran that He absolutely loves those believers who do ehsaan or deeds which are over and above their role of duty and responsibility.

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah Ale-Imraan verse 134 (part):

134 . for Allah loves the muhsineen (those who do deeds over and above their call of duty).

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 3 Surah Ale-Imraan verse 148:

148 And Allah gave them a reward in this world and the excellent reward of the Hereafter. For Allah loves the muhsineen (those who do deeds over and above their call of duty).

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 2 Surah Baqarah verse 195 (part):

195 and do ehsaan; for Allah loves the muhsineen (those who do deeds over and above their call of duty).

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 5 Surah Maidah verse 93 (part):

93 .. For Allah loves the muhsineen (those who do deeds over and above their call of duty).

 

Your Question: is duaghter in law scarifized always to make mother in law happy ?

If all three parties in the equation, the husband, the wife, and the husbands mother, all fear Allah, and each give the rights due to the other parties in full without effecting the rights of another.it would lead to a peaceful and harmonious environment in the family.

 

It is the husband who is sandwiched between his love and duty towards his parents and his natural love towards his wife.and how he handles both these duties is the trial the Lord Most High has laid upon him. If one is fortunate enough to strike the right balance, he would not be in a situation whereby he can only make only one partyhis mother or his wife.happy.

 

But if Allah forbid, a husband is put or forced into a situation whereby he has to choose his loyalty between his parents and any other party (including his own)then Islam guides that piety and righteousness dictates that the parents happiness is given priority over their own or any others happiness.

 

If the wife truly fears Allah and sincerely loves her husband, she will make sure that her beloved husband is never put in such a situation whereby he is made to choose between his parents and his wife. If only the wife can bring herself to understand that a daughter-in-law today will become a mother-in-law tomorrow.and how hurt she as a mother would be if her son whom she gave birth and sacrificed so much from his infancy to his youth, were to choose his wifes happiness over her happinessshe would maybe, just maybe, comprehend the trial of her husband.

 

Your Question: Is scarification is to kill inner human being and say yes mam always ?

More than the wife, it is the husband who is commanded by His Lord Creator to say to his mother: yes mam ALWAYS!!!!! The only time the husband has the right to say No mam to his mother, is if she commands him to associate another god with Allah Subhanah!!!!!

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verses 14-15:

14 And We (Allah) have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me (Allah) and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.

15 "But if they strive to make thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge obey them not; Yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration) and follow the way of those who turn to Me (in love): in the End the return of you all is to Me and I will tell you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did."

 

The wife today will be a mother tomorrow; would she not expect that her own off-spring show her the same unconditional respect, and mercy, and kindness, and tenderness when she is old?

 

Your Question: Is being a women there is no place to show our feelings of what we need ?

A woman has every right in Islam to display and even demand that her every lawful right and feeling and want and need be honored.first by her father, then by her husband, and then by her children! And it is the duty of the righteous and God-fearing father, and husband and children that every lawful right and need of their loved ones be fulfilled to the best of their ability.

 

Your Question: In short ,what is the women role being a mother ,wife and daughter .Please clarify me in detail as I think that Kill inner feelings is the role model for being a good women in every relation 

The very nature bestowed by the Lord Most Merciful upon the mother (be it amongst humans or even animals!) is of such unconditional natural love and mercy.that a mother considers no sacrifice big enough for her off-spring!

 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 31 Surah Luqman verse 14:

14 And We (Allah) have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command) "Show gratitude to Me (Allah) and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal.

 

If amongst the human race there were a symbol of self-sacrifice, none would even dare to challenge the spirit of self-sacrifice of a mother! Every drop of blood that runs in a human body is a result of that un-repayable loan of those life-giving sips of milk sucked in infancy from a weaning mother!

 

Islam has recognized and honored this natural and un-comparable self-sacrificing spirit of the motherand for no short measure has the Lord Most Merciful Commanded the believers to show unconditional respect, love, and honor to their parentsespecially ones mother!

 

Sunan of Abu-Dawood Hadith 5120 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Hayadah

I asked: O Messenger of Allah(saws)! To whom should I show kindness most? He (saws) replied: Your mother. I asked (again): Who next?. He (saws) replied: Your mother!. I asked: Who next? He (saws) replied: Your mother! I asked again: Who next? and he (saws) replied: Your father, and then your relatives in order of relationship.

 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 4939 Narrated by Mu'awiyah ibn Jahimah

Jahimah came to the Prophet (saws) and said, "Messenger of Allah (saws), I desire to go on a military expedition and I have come to consult you. He (saws) asked him if he had a mother, and when he replied that he had, he (saws) said, "Stay with her, for Paradise is at her feet."

A righteous daughter in Islam is one who is pious, God-fearing, and obedient to her parents.

 

And a righteous wife in the Sight of Allah is one who is pious, God-fearing, and devoutly obedient to her husband.

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 4 Surah Nisaa verse 34:

34 Men are the protectors and maintainers of women because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to their husbands), and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard (their chastity, their husbands honor, their husbands property, etc.)

 

Your Statement: Please clarify me in detail as I think that Kill inner feelings is the role model for being a good women in every relation 

Allah Says in the Holy Quran Chapter 79 Surah Naziat verses 34-41:

34 Therefore when there comes the Great Overwhelming (Event, The Day of Judgment!)

35 The Day when man shall remember (all) that he strove for

36 And Hell-Fire shall be placed in full view for (all) to see

37 Then for such as had transgressed all bounds

38 And had preferred the life of this world

39 The Abode will be Hell-Fire;

40 And for such as had entertained the fear of standing before their Lord's (Tribunal), and had restrained (their) nafs from lower desires

41 Their abode will be the Garden.

 

My dear and beloved sister, the restraining of the nafs or desires or inner feelings is not only the role model for being a good woman.Allah is our witness sister, this restraining of ones nafs or lower desires is a virtue that will undoubtedly lead those who believe and fear Allah to the Gates of those Promised Eternal and Everlasting Gardens of Paradise!

 

My dear and beloved sister in Islam, a deed that does not imbed self-sacrifice or does not connote restraining ones nafs or inner feelings can never be considered a good deed in the Sight of Allah Subhanah!

  • Only those who sacrifice their inner-feelings and the temptations the world has to offer, can make themselves available for every prayer on time!
  • Only those who sacrifice their inner-feelings for food and drink can observe fasts for their Lord!
  • Only those who sacrifice their inner-feelings to accumulate wealth and material things can spend in charity!
  • Only those who sacrifice their inner-feelings to live can participate in Jihad!
  • Only those who sacrifice their inner-feelings can remain constant in the duty and obedience of their parents!
  • Only those who can restrain their inner-feelings of unlawful lust can remain chaste!

 

Thus my beloved sister, in conclusion if a deed does not involve self-sacrifice or the restraining of ones lower desires or inner-feelings, rest assured that that deed can never be considered a good deed in the Sight of Allah Subhanah. And beloved sister, we assure you in light of the Guidance of the Holy Quran, that one who does not possess this quality and virtue of restraining ones nafs from lower desires can never attain the Promised Gardens of Paradise in the Hereafter!

 

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me alone. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

 

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

 

 

Burhan


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