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Blackmailed to marry cousin when I love someone else.

Mu' meneen Brothers and Sisters,

As Salaam Aleikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. (May Allah's Peace, Mercy and Blessings be upon all of you)

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Salaam Walaikum, My name is Kiran, I just turned 19 years old. I just really need your help as I was blackmailed into marrying my cousin and I loved someone else. I was 16 years old when my mum told me about a rishta (marriage proposal) my dads nephew called Asim. I was crying and said no! I told my mum I loved this boy named Sharaz and i think she assumed that it was a crush and is normal but it wasn't. I rejected the proposal but then my mum started to blackmail me saying that I could not study or work which was everything for me! Especially with all the arguments in family it was the only thing that kept me going to be honest. She started to get moody and she knows that whenever she's moody she gets her way. As i feel like my mums going to get upset with me I don't know how to xplain that feeling I have. I'm not praising my self but I was at a private Islamic girls high school, i wasn't confident, know about the world etc. everyone in my family would put me as an example for their daughter. I have never expressed my feeling to anyone and I am a self reserved person, I think that's my biggest weakness as I be busy making other people s,lie but no one asks or realises how I feel. I did eventually say yes to the proposal but felt like it was all untrue. I was allowed to start 6form but only was allowed to apply for one and that would be the high school my brothers went to. Asim would email me as my mum would make sure I check my emails and respond to them with her dictating what to say. Even when he would call she would hover around me. I couldn't even tell Asim I was not happy with the marriage. My mum would make sure what I wear and was too busy in what I wore the shalwar kameez, scarf etc. I felt like this but my self confidence down. Anyway I started to get these calls on my mobile for about 2 months didn't know who it was and was waiting for a new top up. I did eventually find out that it was Sharaz, my childhood friend knew we liked each other and text him back from my phone. We started talking and fell in love. I did tell him about my rights and he was meant to come but I kept saying come tomorrow as I was really scared. Time went by so quickly, we went Pakistan I did not know what to do or say I was heart broken didn't know what to do. I would talk to Sharaz occasionally in Pakistan. He did say call him when I arrived back. I would wait for his message and would cry myself to sleep. Everything felt so unreal untrue I felt like this cant happen to me. On the Nikah my dad and mum were with me and the molvi. I just made us read the 3 kalmay and sign some Nikah papers. I still remember when signing it my intention was that 'Allah I do not want to get married or have any intention of becoming Asims wife as I love someone else'. Also the molvi did not ask me anything at all!! On the wedding night, I was very angry and hurt. When Asim walked in the room I told him I did not want to get married! Then he told me how his family wanted me since the age of 14!! That was the last time I went Pakistan. I would call Asim bhai (brother) he is 12 years older than me after all! He tried kissing me put I turned my face away. When I was laying down on my own side curled up I got scared and started to sweat as I didn't know what to do, he just kept coming closer I kept saying no! My tears were rolling down my face. I felt helpless, couldn't ask for anyone's help. He tried to go inside of me but I didn't exactly let him. He would do that every night for about 9 days. I lived with him for 2 weeks. I started my periods. I was relieved. As I would be in pain at times as he would hurt me. The next day I told my mum what happened and she just reacted like its normal. My nany who came with us to Pakistan knew I wasn't ready for the marriage I was 17. They just knew me as being a little girl. She wasn't really happy with it all. If I told my family everything they would force me to stay in Pakistan for 6 months especially my dad.... I couldn't tell anyone anything. I returned back called Sharaz that I'm back. He was obviously heart broken, upset and helpless too. I didn't know what to do I really love him. Even if = was or wasn't in my life I still wouldn't live with Asim after everything. I hate him. He could have at least started to talk to me get to know me instead of just........ Me and him still talk and I told my mum about him, who hit the roof and told my dad! Who slapped me. I understand where they're coming from but it's their fault to. My mum would say refusing to not get married is not a reason. I wasn't ready for it I can't look after myself and she expects me to look after someone who's old as my uncle. Nobody asked me if I was happy or nothing! Things have gone out of hand. There was a point when my dad kicked me my mum and brothers out of the house and would stay at my Nanys. We're back home, he being extra nice. As Asim got his Visa they think I don't know but I do. He should be coming in the middle of April. I'm stuck at home, not allowed to work or study a mobile or anything. I want a divorce. As I can't see another option out of it. Can you please give me some advice too. I have got a phone that nobody knows about that me an talk on. I feel so stressed out I've attempted having an overdose as I feel so helpless feel like running away! Thinking of running away. Don't know :'( my dads worried about his respect in society. I mean he wasn't there for me when I was a kid and when I hit my teens started to get close to me which makes sense why he did! I will be waiting for your reply. Jazakallah


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Answer:

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

Sister, you have agreed to the nikah, got married with your eyes wide open and now within a few weeks you decide you want to separate. What can anyone do? You have to speak up when it matters. Now the marriage is consummated, the families honor is at stake and you are not happy. We understand that your mother has put a lot of pressure on you, but at the end you agreed. That is what counts. You could have put pressure on your parents too, that you are not ready to marry Asim and with difficulty and help from your Nany you could have stopped the wedding. You think Sharaz and his family will accept you now, then you should seriously think again. Marriage is not a joke as many loved ones are involved.
 
Under the circumstances you are in sister, the best thing is that you forget the past and start making an effort to be a good wife to Asim. If you talk about divorce your parents will make life miserable for you and maybe throw you out of the house. Don't bank on Sharaz as without your family's support his family might not accept you and force Sharaz to cut all relations with you. Wake up and see reality. The puppy love you shared with Sharaz is of no real consequence.
 
Don't spoil your life by making things difficult for yourself. Thousands if not millions like you from the sub-continent and Indo-Pak region have gone through such arranged marriages. Believe us sister, more than 75%-80% of them have worked. Because you grew up in the UK you are seeing things differently, but even you did not put your foot down when it would have mattered. There are no guarantees of a marriage working, both the parties have to make an effort in making it work. Even the godless westerners have major problems of keeping their marriage intact.
 
So fear Allah swt and give your marriage a chance to succeed. Nobody actually forced you, you did give your consent. Let us explain what usually happens in a divorce situation. First of all you need your parents support in initiating a divorce, if that is not there you do not stand a chance. Then both the families who are now joined will break up forever and you would be the cause. You cannot fend for yourself, you do not have a job or any savings, how would you live. You would lose your family forever, there would be a general boycott declared. And as a climax if Sharaz does not accede to marry you, then only Allah swt can help you.
 
Think sister, is it worth all these headaches.
 
If you are yet bent upon separation, then talk to your Nany and see what advice she gives you. Her love is unconditional and she will give her full support to you. Then listen to her and go forward as to whatever she advises. Maybe you can talk to your mother heart to heart. There is no stronger bond than between mother and daughter. You will have to get these important people to see your plight so that they can help.
 
May Allah swt make your trials easy. If there is anything we can do please do not hesitate to email us. 

Whatever written of Truth and benefit is only due to Allahs Assistance and Guidance, and whatever of error is of me. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength. Allah Alone Knows Best and He is the Only Source of Strength.

Your brother and well wisher in Islam,

Members of Islamhelpline


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